Wednesday, July 06, 2005

Women Facts

Disclaimer for any and all women readers-- The author would like to let all of you emotional-wrecks know that this is written in jest, so try to control yourselves. He would also like to say that if you can't take it, you can forward all vitriol diatribe to that slack-jawed Llama, Oprah


I found these random facts while doing a search for something completely and totally unrelated to it. I would never want to see what the average woman is like so I could compare and see if I could pass for a chick while in drag so I could work the street for some extra money. Never.

You can read the original posting here.


The Average American Woman

Smith Sensei:: In today's English class, we'll be talking about the average American. to begin with, the average U.S. citizen is a married woman well on her way to ruining some poor dude's life age 32. That's because about 51.2% of the population are women seems like 90 percent and 32 is the median age that's when they are no longer worth dating, much less sleeping with. You have to constantly make sure that their soup stays hot so they know when their boobs flop into the bowl.....again.

Yamada: Interesting. and how many children does the "average" woman have?

Smith Sensei: She has 2.1 children. That rules out Jerry Springer fans and NBA groupies, who average 7....both in kids and teeth, or toofuss'

Yamada: How do you get the "point one"? Oprah probably came up with it.

Smith Sensei: Very funny.

Yamada: Just kidding. So how tall is the average woman?

Smith Sensei: She is 5 feet 4 inches. on the rare occassion that she actually gets up off of the couch I don't know what that is in centimeters.

Yamada: That's okay. I can figure it out. So what else can you tell me about the average American "woman" ? she's evil!

Smith Sensei: She is slightly overweight what a surprise, about 143 pounds try putting both feet on the scale and dieting I don't think that a diet coke while surpersizing your Big Mac Extra Value Meal counts, sweetie. Her dress size is size 10 or 12. that's a friggin' pup-tent

Yamada: Wow! That sure isn't the median size in Japan. Japanese women are much smaller! Yamada has a keen grasp of the obvious

Smith Sensei: Yes, but as japan adopts the American lifestyle, dress sizes will begin to increase in Japan as well. Hopefully they'll have some Walmarts there to sell chicks their bon-bons and muu-muu's in bulk, all within arms length. They'd better. You think that a Rhinocerous stampede is bad? Hell hath no fury like a woman bon-bon less.

Yamada: How true. So, keep going. Tell us more . How about religion?

Smith Sensei: She doesn't go to church on Sunday that's when they have all the good sales for bulk Pop-Tarts, but she believes in God. if there was a God, there would be no women

Yamada: How about money? they always seem to have it, they never seem to earn it

Smith Sensei: She makes less than $20,000 a year stealing from her husband's wallet from her white collar leave it to a woman to take the easy way out and avoid manual labor job. She lives in the state where she was born because she leeched onto the first guy that she saw and spends a third of her income ha! on housing. That must be a typo, I'm sure that they meant Ho-Ho's.

Yamada: Does she ever move? good lord no, she can hardly get off the couch

Smith Sensei: Yes, as a matter of fact. She'll move an average of 11 times in her life. just to go to the refrigerator and back But nearly all her moves will be within her home state. state of obesity

Yamada: Tell us some personal information

Smith Sensei: She wears contacts or glasses to see where her breasts ended up flopping off to, makes 6 phone calls a day to Domino's and has a TV, VCR, stereo, or radio that her husband paid for on 11 hours a day. while the washer and dryer go undisturbed

Yamada: How about crime? marriage should be one

Smith Sensei: You mean will she be arrested? her heart will be, after that last artery closes

Yamada: No. How is she affected by crime? she likes to watch Cops

Smith Sensei: She'll be a victim of crime an average of 3 times in her life. she'll be hit by a car while waiting for a flatbed to haul her ass to that Pop-Tart sale (hit-and-run....the driver panicked and took off...he thought that he had killed a Moose out of season)...Greenpeace will throw a tail-rope on her and tow her out to sea (kidnapping)....KFC will be charged for her murder after she chokes on one of the chicken buckets

Yamada: How about love and marriage? How about oil and water?

Smith Sensei: She has a 50% chance of divorce. that's also her Blood-Cheese level (think blood-alcohol level)

Yamada: That's not very encouraging. try living with them So what's the single most important fact that you can tell us about the average American woman? they are pure and simply evil

Smith Sensei: Well, she has 10 credit cards. and none of them are hers

Yamada: I should have known nobody could know the horrors that we men experience on a daily basis. Hey, do you know any American woman who's interested in meeting a handsome Japanese man? Not right now. Check back in when the Yen is stronger against the dollar and you'll have your pick of the pasture.

Smith Sensei: This isn't a dating service. If it were, it would be cruel and unusual punishment.


This Public Service Message brought to you by 9 years of marriage.


At 10:51 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

As you all know, the CodGod is not married to the "Average American Woman."

At 10:56 PM, Blogger Wheel Gun Bob said...

But they do have vaginas. I can't remember what they are for.

At 11:22 PM, Blogger The Cod God said...

Anonymous said...

As you all know, the CodGod is not married to the "Average American Woman."

that's for sure...


Wheel Gun Bob said...

But they do have vaginas. I can't remember what they are for.

It's a good place to hide their keys...

At 8:51 AM, Blogger Erin Nicole said...


...i'm too tired to form a clever response.


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