Tuesday, April 12, 2005

Ms. America (where have my balls gone?)

The Cod Gal and I did a His and Hers running diary for the Ms. America pageant last night after the Red Sox game just for fun. She was watching it and I didn't feel like going upstairs to watch something else, so I figured that I may get a blog entry out of it while looking at hot chicks in revealing outfits to boot. I mean hell, I'm still a man, afterall. At least that is what the coroner's report will say.

Anyways, we pick it up about 20 mins in....

Initial impressions...

Mississippi

CodGod- looks like an ugly Barbie, kind of like a giant q-tip....fake boobs galore

CodGal- terrible fake boobs (jealous? The CodGod says) she was supposed to eat the canteloupes for breakfast instead of stuffing them in her chest

California

CodGod- ok looking, way too much makeup....looks like a pre-insane asylum Paula Abdul...horrible dress

CodGal- pretty face (would look good face down, ass up CodGod says) did Ms. North Carolina puke on her dress backstage? somebody hasn't been doing her crunches (CodGod says..fuckbelly, anyone?)

Florida

CodGod- not bad, longshot for the finals, the swimsuit is ok....don't get me wrong, I wouldn't kick her out of bed for eating crackers

CodGal- No opinion at this time during evening gown....(CodGod says that CodGal was busy gazing at his own amazing man-ass) during the swimsuit CodGal says, it's nice to see real boobs and nice legs (CodGod would like to see them as well...wrapped around his head...ok, this is a good spot for Momma-Cod to stop reading)

Pennsylvania

CodGod- looks like she lost a fight with a psychotic hair crimper, maybe she got her (censored) caught in a light socket? while in her swimsuit, she reminded me of the seaworms that I used to catch flounder while I was a wee-cod

CodGal- How did my mop get on TV? (CodGod says that CodGal wouldn't know a mop or how it works unless it smacked her upside the head) too skinny...should I give her one of my Pop-Tarts? (CodGod says CodGal, eat more fruit....CodGod then gets comfortable on couch)

North Carolina

CodGod- nice, very nice....looks a bit like Anna Benson, the girl who threatened to sleep with every NY Met if her husband Kris Benson whored on him....sounds like my kinda girl...how can I get a 10 day contract with the Mets?

CodGal- ugliest black dress ever....ok, nothing special

Oklahoma

CodGod- looks like the love-child of Denise Richards and Pam Anderson....wait, I might be onto some kind of Uber-chick....I'll get back to you guys

CodGal- whole package, looks great....can I be her when I grow up? (CodGod is DEFINITELY rooting for that!!)

New York

CodGod- looks just like the interstate....plain ugly with lots of trash

CodGal- did she get lost on her way to a toga party? her gut reveals many toga-parties at the local frat houses

Maryland

CodGod- pretty damn hot, she actually looks like a normal woman, not all makeup and silicone....and I quote what I wrote "Yum!REALLY nice boobs. She had better win."

CodGal- did she get lost on the way to the stage and fall in a vat of tye-dye? who would possibly let her out looking like that? (CodGod says "who cares? I'll throw her clothes away in the morning") look out Halle Berry, there is another hot chick on the
block....and she probably isn't as psycho as you

Illinois

CodGod- Yum!! no hips though....you gotta have something to grab onto

CodGal- ok, nice stomach (CodGod says "All the better to...you know what? I should stop here....this is a family blog")

Kentucky

CodGod- way too skinny, the ribs showing on the chest is too heroin-sheik...trying too hard to look like Pam Anderson

CodGal- too skinny but pretty, should chase down her plastic surgeon with the Better Business Bureau to get her money back for a horrible boob job


Well, that's it for the initial observations of the contestants that are involved.

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Some random observations....

The whole room/venue that the contest is in must be kept around 45 degrees, for obvious reasons.Trump has to be behind that and I applaud him for it.

That mouth breather (Michael Phelps) next to Molly Sims should close his slack-jawed mouth. He may set even more Olympic records if he did that. Then again, he's a teeny bopper. I would probably be drooling on national TV as well if I were surrounded with such women.

Sugar Ray Leonard says that the competition is stiff. Judging by the look on his face, that ain't all...is it Sugar Ray?

They just gave the award for "Miss Congeniality"....isn't that like getting the "You're just a friend" award? (i.e. The Fat Girl)

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My top 5 are....North Carolina...Maryland....Illinois....Oklahoma....and California.

Obviously, they don't agree with me....the facist bastards!!

Their choices are California, Florida, N. Carolina, Kentucky and Illinois.

It is criminal that Maryland didn't make it. Afterall, she ate all of those crabcakes. Shouldn't that be worth something?

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Oooh, the question section. My favorite part....

California-

CodGod-dumb as hell!! (big surprise there)

CodGal- speaks well (CodGal is now shut off)...is that it? what a dumbass

North Carolina

CodGod- sounded rehearsed...show some personality, woman!

CodGal- sounds smart but didn't show it

Florida

CodGod- very sharp with a quick wit (you don't often see that with women because they are all dumb....you can send your complaints to thecodgod@comcast.net and I won't answer because I don't care what you have to say) she seems totally cool, someone you could hang with

CodGal- carries herself well (CodGod says "she carries EVERYTHING well") she's a very quick thinker

Kentucky

CodGod- total poser...she owns a cow but doesn't know how to milk it? that says it all right there...yeah, like she hasn't "milked' anything before

CodGal- why is she here? seriously...why?

Illinois

CodGod- real slow, real dumb....I hope that she is a pothead just so she can justify her stupidity...they asked her "What is your perfect man"...her reply "I don't know"....what a dumbass!! or maybe she's a lesbian....hmmm, that opens up a whole other can of worms....she might just be my new favorite!

CodGal- seems very flaky, a terrible public speaker...dos she have the same speech writer as George Bush? (insert rimshot here)

CodGal says- Why isn't Maryland here!?!?

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Here are the "unrehearsed" answers to the questions that were submitted from other women in the contest...

California

CodGod- totally botched the answer while not answering the question at all, if that makes any sense...what a moron (yeah, I know, me too)

CodGal- (the question was what would you do if you knew what your future was going to be) I like the way that she thinks. The CodGal said that there would be more suicides if people like the CodGod realized that they are born losers and stopped wasting all of my, er....I mean "our" time and let me, um, I mean "us" move on with our lives.

North Carolina

CodGod- she compared herself to Oprah.....WRONG ANSWER!! You are the weakest link...GOODBYE!!

CodGal- Ok, that just killed for the CodGod. She thinks that she is like Oprah. Enough said.

Florida

CodGod- this chick has it all...she's hot, very smart, doesn't take any shit from anyone, she grew up with a family of guys and has her own construction company already, ....I'm in love! CodGal...we're through!!

CodGal- This is the future Emmy-Cod. This girl seems like she is going to grab the world by the balls and run with them. Just like I think that...no, I KNOW that Emmy-Cod will. Hell, after a few short years on this earth Emmy-Cod will kick most of your asses. (CodGod says, not "most of your asses"...ALL of your asses...don't fuck with her, just ask Bface)

Kentucky

CodGod- when asked what sex that she spent more time with in college and why, she replied "Um...I think that I lived with all girls...I forget why we girls lived together with no guys....Tee-Hee"

it's called a SORORITY , YOU DUMB BITCH!!

It was on her BIO for Chrissakes!!

Jesus, I hate dumb chicks.

You know what? That's not fair to women....I hate ALL dumb people!!

CodGal- Why is she still here? Seriously. Someone explain this to me, please.

Illinois

CodGod- missed her, on my "throne" at the time

CodGal- maybe if she is quiet and never speaks, some rich man might want to marry her (CodGod says "Ms. Illinois, take my advice, keep your mouth full and everything will work out)

(CodGal says- sorry everyone, he's the one typing)


-----------------------

Some final thoughts before the final judging...


Ms. Illinois is better off being quiet and looking pretty. She has a ZERO chance as a public speaker in the future. Then again, she may be President someday.

Ms. California's dress looks like some baby shit on a towel and she wore it. How could she possibly thinks that it would help?

Where are my testicles and what have I done with them?

Miss NC wore a black dress. I know that black is a slimming color, but hell. Aren't they slim enough already? With that black dress on she could turn sideways, stick her tongue out and look like a zipper.

Miss Florida looks like Susan Lucci 20 years ago. And the fact that I know what Susan Lucci looks like makes me a viable candidate for execution....immediately. I'll supply the ammo.

Miss Kentucky could bite an apple through a chicken wire fence. If she wins, I will refuse the celebratory blowjob. I don't want her scraping my belly hair off. It can prove to be quite painful.

Miss Illinois looks SO much smarter not talking. Then again, all women do. What is that saying? "Better for people to think you the fool, than to open your mouth and prove it"? That applys to ALL women.

If Ms. Florida doesn't win I am dressing up in the CodGal's lingerie and entering the pageant next year ...and no one wants to see that.

Last year's Miss USA is talking....why? No one wants to hear her speak. Just sit there and look pretty, ok darlin'?

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The finally standings in reverse are....

at #4....Miss Florida?!?!?!?!

How she didn't win, much less get in the top 2 reeks of communism.

fuck this, I'm done!

I'm off to fill out my entry form for next year.


The CodGal's Final Thoughts

shame, shame, shame...

Florida comes in 4th?!?

I guess that they wanted a puppet and not someone with a mind of their own. Someone who knows how the real world works. (I guess that Trump likes 'em pretty and dumb)





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4 Comments:

At 8:54 PM, Blogger Allyon said...

Why, OH LORD WHY, did that lovely woman marry Donald Trump? There are plenty of rich men who don't glue their hair to their foreheads.

 
At 9:04 PM, Blogger Sarita said...

I'm going to start a band. I'm going to call that band "Fuckbelly".

 
At 10:10 PM, Blogger Wheel Gun Bob said...

Tits!!!

 
At 6:17 AM, Blogger B-Face said...

MBF, you didn't really need to ask why she married Trump. He has billions and billions of reasons why.

 

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