It's always been me

I'm that guy. The guy who always seems to get hurt...a lot. I don't try to understand the phenomonon, but I have learned to accept it. I don't even question why anymore.

You guys know what I'm talking about. Everyone knows someone like me.

None of the injuries are especially damaging (some would argue about the concussions) but they were all entertaining for those around me.

Have a flight of stairs and want someone to fall down it?....invite me over.

Want someone to not only wash your glasses but somehow cut themselves in the process?....give me a call.

I'll share with you a few examples of the phenomenom that is I...

Let's start with one day while I was working on a party boat when I was 15 or so. We were at the dock doing some minor repairs that involved lifting a few of the hatches up so we could access below deck. Not only did I fall down one, but I am the one that opened it not 2 minutes earlier. I opened it, walked two steps away and then the captain asked for something behind me. Being the dutiful employee that I am I eagerly turned around to go get it. All I remember is one minute I was looking out at the picturesque harbor and the next minute seeing stars. Luckily my face stopped me from falling the full 8 feet straight down. Well that and my ribs.

Total damage: split chin, one chipped tooth, bruised ribs and one captain hysterically laughing

Next we move on to when I was just a pup (12yrs old) working my first job at the pier. My job was to do various things like rent out rowboats, help load up the party boats and sell things in the tackle shop. It was while selling things one day that I went to get something for a customer and I managed to walk right through a sliding glass door. Not only did I walk through it, I stood there as the glass fell all around me like a complete shithead. About a month later that same customer came in, asked me for something and when I turned around to go get it he he says "Watch out for that door". Of course I turn to say "what?" and walk smack dab into the temporary plywood door that we had mounted to replace the glass door. I am so smart.

Total damage: 4 inch gash in shoulder, smaller cut on wrist, bruised ego (this was back before I was a beaten man)


My father used to have this piece of shit truck known as a "Scout" that I believe was built by AMC, of all companies. Of course he kept it in tip-top shape. It was while doing errands one day with him at the age of 4 that I found myself lying in the road as he drove away. Apparently, I was leaning against the door and it popped open as we were driving down Rte 1. I only remember a few things from that day. One was a red corvette narrowly missing my head (I remember looking up into the wheel well as it went by). Another is after I had stopped rolling around I was worried that my Dad wouldn't notice that I was gone and I was going to have to hoof it home. The last was thinking that he was going to be pissed that I dropped the bag of nails that we had just bought for some project that he was doing. Oh yeah, that and my sister crying. Good times...good times.

Total damage: my first concussion, various bumps and bruises and one pissed off mother


A few years ago to augment our fishing income that had dramatically gone down due to government regulations, my boss and I decided to switch to a new fishery....catching slime eels. Yes, they look as gross as they sound. They actually eat fish from the inside out, but I am digressing yet again.

We had to build the traps ourselves. They had to be built out of a 45-gallon drum with a screwtop and cones mounted to the sides that on one end look almost like those "Chinese Finger" toys and just a regular cone on the other end. One of the things that we had to do was take the discs of plastic that we removed from the side of the barrels to mount the cones and drill them out so we could use them as stoppers for when we put the bridles on. Bridles are just the rope that you use to attach the trap to other traps...more or less. Well, me being the ever dilligent employee yet again, I decide to take a whole bunch of them home and drill them out that night so we would save some time the next day. Of course I charge up the old Dewalt cordless drill and run right out and buy a brand new 1/2 inch drill bit. The rest of the "project" went something like this....

(setting up drill) Wow, who would have though that this drill bit would be so sharp? I had better be careful with it

(walking out on deck) shit, I can't do this here, I'll drill right into the deck

I know! I'll hold it in my hand and just stop drilling when it goes through. Another problem solved by Mr Fixit.

(drilling for about a quarter second)

(going inside and banging on bathroom door) Missy, can you take me to the hospital?

The cut actually proved to be kind of interesting. It started at the base of my middle finger (this one right here, Dan!) and curled around to the front of the finger. You could see the curve of the drill bit perfectly. Kinda funky.

After waiting for what seemed like an eternity for the wife to get ready while bleeding everywhere, I got sick of waiting and drove myself to the hospital. Incidentally, if you have ever cut your shifting hand and then tried to drive a standard transmission without that hand, you know that it's quite the adventure.

Total damage: 8 stitches, $400 hospital bill, one ruined set of clothes, eternal admiration of my tool handling skills from everyone at work

Thats just a sample. Nothing too major but mostly the result of being dropped on my head at an early age. That reminds me, that actually happened as well.

Quick story...

One time my brother and sister thought that it would be funny to hold me up in the air by my feet and drop me face first into a metal wagon at the age of 2. I don't recall thinking that it was as funny as they insisted that it would be.

total damage: tooth knocked out and driven through my lip leaving a ragged hole and a cool scar

That's just a snippet of my good fortune over the years. I will add to the list every now and then. Hey, anything for a laugh, right?