Sunday, January 30, 2005

Tunnel Rat Tales

Yes, I am aware that I spelled it the wrong way.

These will be just a random sampling of my various interactions/consequences/adventures before or after hanging out with the Tunnel Rats. They are a punk band out of New Hampshire that hurts not only themselves, but everyone around them. You can check out their story and/or music by clicking here. Incidentally, my brother is prominently involved in the band. I may need to refer to him from time to time to fill out a story or two as there are copious amounts of alcohol involved in every story. I can't stress that enough.

The first story...

So, there I was. Day three of a bender/Tunnel Rats practice and I was in Dover, NH... somewhere. Maybe Duke's (lead singer) house? Now that I think about it, I must have been there at some point.

My roommate Billy and I had met up with Bface and Duke at the bar, had a few and went back to Duke's place for band practice where we had a few more. At some point later on (after I witnessed a chick eat a WHOLE LARGE PIZZA!!...no shit) I decided that I had to go home to the wife and the kid. I only had one at the time, I think.

Yeah, yeah, yeah MADD. I know. Not smart.

Anyways, fast forward to me (somewhat) driving Billy's jacked up Dodge pickup ( key point: with his 4-wheeler in the back) home. As I was chatting with the wife, I see the flashing blues. I continue to chat with the wife on the cell phone for a few while keeping a wary eye on the cop car behind me all the while wondering what the fuss could be about. In a moment of (brief) clarity I realize that Mr. Police-Man wants moi to pull over and I concur. That's when the fun begins.....

I tried to hang up with the wife but I couldn't find the cradle (this was a real car phone) in the cab of the pickup so I just whip it towards the floor. I pulled over all nice and neat and I then proceed to watch "The Man" wander up to the truck window all the while wondering how I am going to explain the DWI to the wife.

This is a transcript of the conversation that followed....

Cop- "What took you so long to stop?"

Me- "What took you so long to catch up?"

Why he didn't arrest me on the spot, I'll never know.

next question...

Cop- "Have you been drinking tonight?"


Me- "Yes. But just a few and it was a while ago."

No roadside sobriety check.

Cop- "Where are you headed?"

Me- "Home"

Cop-"Where is that?" (without looking at my license that I had so eagerly provided to him)

Me- "Portsmouth."

Cop- "Well, you're going the wrong way."

Me- ".........."

Still, no sobriety check.

Several uncomfortable seconds later...

Me- "I must've missed my turn while I was arguing with the wife" (pointing to the cell phone now wrapped around my feet, the gas pedal and the gear shifter)

Cop- "Right by that red light that you ran?"

Me- (eagerly) " Yeah! That was it. Damn wife is a pain in the ass!"

...a few moments then go by as he checks out my license and Billy's registration...

Cop- "I need to check out the registration on the 4-wheeler to make sure that it isn't stolen. Where is it, on the fender?" (as he walks towards the back of the truck)

Me- INCREDIBLY STUPIDLY "Oh, I'll show you!!"

I then hop out of the truck and two (out of about 15 in the cab) beer bottles fall out of the truck, land on the ground and start to slowly roll under the truck sounding like a fucking freight train all the way! Seriously.

I grab them as quickly as possible, throw them in the bed of the truck, turn around and say "These beers are......."

He never noticed.

He was busy trying to step on the back bumper to hike his 5'4" frame up to see the 4-wheeler. When I threw the bottles in the back of the truck, the 4-wheeler blocked his view of me doing it.

To make a long story short, I was "Yes sir, no sir" the rest of the traffic stop and then got the fuck out of there.

Heading in the right direction this time.......







1 Comments:

At 10:50 PM, Blogger The Cod God said...

I was one lucky bastard that night. It's a good thing that I didn't get popped. I would have called you guys to come get me and we all could have shared a cell.

 

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