The Cod God be Sicketh- Part 1

[This is some of what transpired while I was at the hospital. It won't be terribly funny or written very well. Some of the details are missing/forgotten Just thought that I'd warn you.]

Hello all my little Cod and Coddette’s. I start writing to you today from the cozy confines of a bed located on the 4th floor of Portsmouth Hospital. I’ve been hanging out here since Monday (or was it Tuesday?) afternoon…mostly for the drugs.

Sorry to disappoint all you ladies (and Bob) but I’m not in here for a penile extension or a breast reduction. Just plain old pancreatitis.

Well, I shouldn’t say “plain old” because it hurts like a motherfucker!! Unfortunately, I shouldn’t even be here, but I learn slowly and I’m very stubborn. I’ll give you guys a day-by-day breakdown of what it’s been like this time (I had it last summer as well…much, much worse) and you can see how much fun that I am having.

Monday Night 5/16

I had my usual two drinks and later that night barfed twice. Not the normal course of events.

Here are some random thoughts that occurred to me over the course of the evening…
“I hope that this is the flu”
“Why am I so damn good looking?”
“This can't be a good thing.”
“My uncle has luscious breasts, even if they are a little saggy.”
"Were those my shoes?"

You get the picture….

Tuesday 5/17

I woke up with a little stomachache, but nothing that concerned me very much. Then it got a bit worse. And worse. Then I got sick at 1 in the afternoon and I knew that I was screwed.

So, off to the emergency room.

Luckily, there was no one there ahead of me so they took me in immediately. After the usual questions from the nurse and several disapproving looks after admitting that I was in the hospital for the same thing last year, they took me in.

After waiting for what seemed like an eternity, some lackey came in, hit me with some pain meds and took some blood. After laying there for a couple of hours while rotating between self-loathing and anger, the Dr came in and confirmed what I already knew, it pancreatitis again.

Oh joy.

Time to spend a few days hopped up on pain meds and eating nothing but ice chips! Woohoo! Actually, it’s really not as glamorous as it sounds. I know, hard to believe but it’s true.

(F.Y.I.- The way to “fix” pancreatitis is to immediately stop eating or drinking anything stronger than some ice chips so the pancreas can rest and control the pain. That’s about all you can do. It kinda blows. The only thing that makes it worse is when you have a roommate; he gets to eat his 3 meals a day and they have to carry them right past your bed. I’m telling you, they should have used that as torture at Abu-Ghraib instead of putting panties on their head(s) and having dog leashes put around their necks. Hell, that sounds like the average Friday night at my house. Moving on..)


Well, they must had a busy weekend because it took them 5 hours to find me a room and that one ended up being in the surgical recovery wing. Not exactly the place that you want to be when you have a gut problem.

After another long delay, I ended up being shacked up with some dude that was recovering from appendicitis whose favorite sentence was “I had morphine today.”

I don't know why he thought that I would need to hear that over and over, but he did.

It invariably went like this....

Him- I had morphine today

Me- yeah, I know...you just told me

Him- Yup. It’s not like you see in the movies

Me- yeah, you said that

Him- yeah, I had morphine...(giggle)

Me- (muttering to self) of all the fucking rooms....in all the fucking hospitals

Lather....rinse...repeat.

He actually ended up being a pretty cool guy who apparently is some sort of big deal as an artist but I think that he was a bit disappointed when I had no clue who the fuck he was.

Him- I'm an artisit

Me- (writhing in pain) yup...um hmm...great

Him- my name is (blank)

Me- yeah

Him- ever hear of me?

Me- um...no....listen, I'm kind of hurting here...

Him- (interrupting)You’ve never heard of me?

Me- nope

Him- I’ve been in all of the papers and on TV tons of times

Me-great.... sounds cool...I really can't talk right now

Him- I’ve had shows all over New England

Me- sorry, I haven’t heard of you....listen....

Him- do you ever go to the Kingston Library?

Me- (pause)… I told you that I live in Portsmouth

Him- Yeah, I know

Me- (silence)

Him- I had morphine today

Me- (slapping forehead)