Monday, May 23, 2005

Red Sox and Morphine

[Colin asked me to put this up for him. Seems there is no internet connection at the hospital. I offered to do it in exchange for a bag of morphine. - Wheel Gun Bob]


Well, here I am on day number 6 at Portsmouth Hospital. I’ll fill you in as to why I’m here and how previous 6 days have gone after this running diary of Sunday’s Red Sox-Atlanta Braves game. Without further adieu….

2pm- Here I am ready for the game joined by some saline solution, a intravenous “feedbag” and 1ml of morphine every 8 mins….let the good times roll!

2:05- Matt Clement who is sporting a nifty 4-0 record and a set of balls on his chin starts out by striking out Rafael Furcal and Marcus Giles (yeah, he NEVER took steroids!) …Clement looks good….well, he doesn’t, his pitching does…then again, those balls are quite handsome

2:15- Father time John Smoltz gets things going for the ex Beantowners….personally, I think that he should have stayed in the bullpen but apparently it was hindering his golf game and god forbid another millionaire white guy misses a tee time

2:30- big surprise! We had first and 3rd with one out and Trot grounds into the inning ending double play….haven’t we stranded like 168 base runners in the last 2 games or is it all the drugs making me hallucinate?

2:31- time out to pee in a jug

2:32- 20 oz that time and I didn’t piss on myself…not bad

2:34- our first look at Andruw Jones….man, this dude used to be skinny, now he looks like a younger version of a constipated Raul Mondesi

2:35- Manny made a jogging catch of an Andruw Jones ball and the announcers make it sound like he’s Willie Mays in the World Series…. I guess that must make up for the robust .229 average

2:36- damn, Clement looks sharp…I think that was a 6-pitch inning

2:39- Big V is now up. He’s 5th in the AL with a .333 average… which just got better with a infield hit…not too shabby for a catcher

2:40- time for some more drugs

2:42- you know what? this hospital thing ain’t so bad

2:43- 1st and 3rd with one out after Bill Mueller’s weekly hit….let’s see how we can fuck this one up

2:44- yup, Bellhorn strikes out….now if Damon can just get out, my evil plan will be complete

2:47- Damon just walked, now the bases are loaded with Renteria up….yeah, I feel confident, don’t you?

2:48- Renteria struck out with quite possibly the most half-hearted swing that I have ever seen….it looked like he was petting a cat and didn’t want to hurt it….throw in that stellar defense (he’s leading all AL shortstops in errors) and we have a keeper with him….only 3 years, 5 months and $35 million to go…can I get a witness?

2:49- I’m going to shoot the tv the next time that I see that leprechaun-Foxwoods ad….you’ll read about it in the paper “Local man shoots TV at hospital, laughs hysterically”

2:54- Clement is cruising along now…9 up, 9 down…..I think that inning was about 10 pitches…maybe there is something to having a set of nuts on your chin, eh Bob?

2:59- Hey! Manny got a hit…..that’s about $500,000 a hit so far this year, not bad work if you can get it

3:03- Big V with another hit…..my nigga….1st and 3rd now

3:06- another shocker, Youk strikes out…what’s that, 189 runners left on base in the last two games?

3:06 and 30 seconds- I can’t take the pain of watching the Red Sox, time to hit that magic button

3:07- what happened to the tv? I can’t seem to find it

3:08- Here are the pitches by inning for Clement thus far…12-6-12…not too shabby, it’s downright Maddux-esque

3:10- Well, that’s it…the game is over. They got a hit. Fuckin’ Furcal…of course, he steals 2nd before I even finished typing that last sentence….jesus, now he’s on 3rd with one out. That was either really fast or the brain is awfully slow right now. Maybe I’m in the Matrix.

3:13- of course, we’ve had 632 base runners so far and can’t score(sounds like my love life), Atlanta gets one and scores within 2 minutes….they may have to up my dose of morphine before this game is over

3:16- Clement just beaned some goofy looking fuck, now it’s 1st and 2nd w/one out and Andruw Jones up, can you say 3-run homer?

3:17- nope, just a base hit….bases loaded and so am I…..good times

3:19- shallow fly ball to the ridiculously girly-armed Damon, 2-0 Atlanta…Cod-Need-Drugs….Fire Bad

3:22- another very nice play by Trot Nixon running to his left and making the catch at the wall…after the play, he was trying to give the ball to a little boy and Trot had to keep moving it around because two little girls were trying to take it away from him…..typical women, they’ll make someone miserable someday………boy, I really went out on a limb with that prediction, huh?

3:24- Mueller with another hit, he has his quota for June now

3:26- Oh my God!! Bellhorn got a hit, its now 1st and 2nd w/nobody out…let’s see what happens next, I predict a pop-up and a double play

3:27- nope, Damon got the double play out of the way, fuck me…..

:30 seconds later (seriously)- Renteria fouls out to 1st on the first pitch…you can’t make this shit up

3:28- Nurse? More drugs! STAT!

3:42- bottom of the 5th, 1st and 2nd with Big V up….c’mon V!! I’ll make you forget your wife’s name if you get a hit here

3:44- damn! Force out at 2nd. Well, it’s your loss Varitek!! Now it’s 1st and 3rd with 2 outs. Lets see if we can blow this one as well. Come on Youk, you can screw it up!

3:47- HO-LEE-SHIT!! A HIT!! AND A RUN!! YOOOOOOOK!! I never doubted you for a minute!

3:49- Good god! Mueller just got another hit!! I think I just saw a pig fly by my window. It’s all gravy for him until September now. The score is now tied up 2-2.

4:04- We’re now leading off the bottom of the 6th and Damon gets yet another hit. That boy has been on fire this year. Too bad he’s going to have to cut his hair and shave when he signs with the Yankees this winter.

4:05- On the 1st pitch Renteria advances him perfectly to 2nd while expertly leaving first base open. Boy, what a play. See what $40 million will buy you?

4:07- Yeah!! Papi drives in Damon with a double to left. You gotta love the big man.

4:08- first pitch…Manny belts it into the bullpen, 5-2 Boston!! Let’s celebrate, shall we? Nurse?

4:15- Julio Franco leads off the 7th by grounding out. I think his wheelchair got a flat on the way to first.

4:18- (Bface) Clement just retired his 11th batter in a row (Bface) by getting his 7th strikeout (Bface) of the game while giving up only 3 hits (Bface).

4:35- Its end of the 8th Bface. 18 in a row retired by Clement (Bface). I smell a complete game, don’t you (Bface)?

4:37- pee break

4:39- no spillage again, 2-2 baby!

4:43- Manny just had his third hit of the game to right. It certainly looks like he’s coming out of it. I sense a patented Manny-stretch of something like 30-64 with 8hr’s and 25 RBI’s coming up in the next few weeks.

4:44- Trot just got a hit to right. He's been hitting the shit out of the ball this year, as well. If it weren't for Damon, Big V, Papi, and Trot...we'd be screwed. Anyways, it's 1st and 2nd with two outs and my man-crush coming up. Let’s celebrate! Hit that magic button, baby!

4:48- Well, no one is perfect. Big V struck out. I’ll still give you a rubdown big fella.

4:52- Clement comes out for the 9th and gives off a leadoff single. That’s it. It’s all over now. We lost. Nurse? Drugs?

4:53- There’s a lazy fly to Creeping Jesus in center….two more outs to go (Bface)

4:57- Youk with a great diving play for out number two (Bface)!! YOUK!!

4:59- Groundout to Bellhorn!! COMPLETE GAME, BABY!! 4 hits, 7 strikeouts and NO WALKS!! Clement is now 5-0. How ‘bout them apples, Bface?!?

I think I’m going to run out and get me a fine set of hairy balls for my chin.

-Cod

6 Comments:

At 5:09 PM, Blogger Allyon said...

Welcome back, Cod. May you be blogging from home very soon....

 
At 6:21 PM, Blogger B-Face said...

Let's be honest now, Coddy-boy, I never said I was anti-Clement. All I said was, after seeing him in Florida, that I wasn't sold yet.
I am now.
Now let's move on to your boy Wade. I'm almost sold.

 
At 11:16 AM, Blogger Erin Nicole said...

i just hope renteria is loved. i didn't want to give him up... :(

 
At 3:00 PM, Blogger B-Face said...

He gets booed quite often, and to be honest he's not exactly delivering the goods. Especially considering his pricetag. But he'll wake up soon and start hitting, no doubt. It's not like he sucks, he just seems to be having trouble.

 
At 5:51 PM, Blogger Erin Nicole said...

maybe he's homesick. ;)

i get too sentimental with my players...

 
At 1:27 PM, Blogger The Cod God said...

I've been trying to post since yesterday afternoon, but it won't let me.

I'll do it as soon as it lets me.

Your God

 

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