The Bronco Part II

There is no real appropriate way to segway into any of these stories so I will just tell them at random...

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Billy's friend Ray had a '78 Bronco that was all jacked up with badass tires. He just thought that the thing was the absolute shit. I kept hearing about how it would drive through hell and back and also how it would go right over my truck and keep on going if we were to go muddin' together. So, one day I decided that I would see what "the boy" had. In his defense, he had never been 4-wheelin' with Billy and I so he didn't really know what to expect.

{Authors note: my truck was as stock as stock gets right down to the radial tires.... just so you know}

Anyways, we go to an area that has a nice stretch of muddy trails that lead into a swamp. Billy's girlfriend Lindsey is with me in my truck and Billy is behind me with his boyfriend Ray. As we go charging along I come upon a great muddy area. I then tell Lindsey "Watch this, we'll shut Ray's ass up." I sat there for a few minutes waiting for Ray to catch up and pretending to be stuck in the muddy bog. Ray pulls up, sticks his head out of the window and (true to form) starts telling me how much of a piece of shit that my truck is. Little did he realize that I was just waiting for him and his boyfriend Billy. As I started revving the motor, Billy wisely ducked back inside the truck but Ray kept yelling anyway. I then threw it into gear and he got fucking douched, and I mean DOUCHED!! by mud. The best part was that my truck didn't even move for about 10 seconds, it just kept sending multiple 12-foot arcs of mud onto his truck. It covered every single inch of his front end and windshield. What was even better than that was when I found out later on that while he was bitching at me, a clod of mud had hit him square in his (ever) open mouth. Apparently he was gagging and then had the dry heaves. That'll teach him!

After that little bit of fun, we moved on down the trail. We came upon something that used to be a stream, but was now a river. Ray wouldn't cross it with his "Bad-Ass-Truck" so I blew by him with my stock vehicle and had at it. It ended up being quite a bit deeper than even I had thought. Before the entire truck could even get into the river, we quickly dropped down about 3 feet...but that was short lived. The Bronco didn't die but kept chugging along and the water started to slowly get shallower. After traveling through another 15 feet of river with a gradual incline, we hit it....

The "Sippi Hole".

That motherfucker dropped the Bronco down so quick and so far that I couldn't even see the hood! The water was so deep that it rose above the bottom of the windows and was licking at the windshield. At one point we started moving sideways in the current but that didn't faze the old girl at all. We just kept on chugging right along. Once we got clear of the rapids and triumphantly climbed the bank on the other side of the river, we yelled across to Ray and Billy that "It's nothing.... no problem! Especially in that Big Badass truck of yours, Ray. Bring it on over"

After much trepidation on Ray's part, he finally took his skirt off long enough to try and conquer the river.

Well, he got about a truck length into the river before the shitbox died. We came to find out later that he didn't have an air cleaner or its case on top of his carb, so the water just poured into his motor and killed it. Apparently he knew about it beforehand. What a dumbass.

After I came driving back through the swift flowing river and rescuing Billy and Ray on the way by, both of whom were now perched on the roof of Ray's Bronco, we charged over to Ray's house to grab some tow chains and rope to get his "Bad Ass Truck" out.

Once we got back to the scene of the crime, we had to figure out a way to get Ray's truck towed out. We obviously couldn't attach a chain to the tow hook on it's frame because none of us had any SCUBA equipment with us. After some brainstorming and finagling, I decided to back up to the front of Ray's truck with Billy at the ready. We were going to have to find something under the hood to attach to.

After watching Billy fumble around under the hood for 5 minutes or so Ray got pissed, opened his door and stormed out. Ray was immediately waist deep in water, but he was determined and didn't care at all! The funny thing was that when the door opened, you could actually see the current flowing through the entire truck and out the other side. Good times.

Ray eventually tied a line to something solid and off we went. I did get him pulled up and out of the river that way but we still had to turn around and go back through the river again.

On the way back we started off well enough until we got to that damn "Sippi Hole. "

We hit that bastard and the towline immediately snapped and then came flying forwards to smash my side mirror. After that hard lesson learned, we knew that Ray wasn't capable of perfecting an adequate knot, so Billy had to do the next one. Once he did that, we proceeded to save Ray's shitbox Bronco from it's watery grave.

As I was towing Ray and his "Badass truck that would run over mine" out of the swamp with Billy's "superknot", we came upon the same mud hole that I had douched him with before.

As I slowed down I could see him yelling and waving his fists at me...but I had to do it anyways. I douched him again. Not once, but twice..and there wasn't a GODDAMN THING that he could do about it!!

Once I towed his shitbox to his house, we actually had to use a 2x4 once to scrape the inch and a half (we measured) of mud that was on the windshield. Not only that, but a rock must have hit the windshield and cracked it, but I wouldn't know anything about that.

In following, Ray ended up being pretty respectful of my truck after that.

To be continued...