Wednesday, February 09, 2005

The Cod God Cooketh

I can cook the shit out of a steak, or pretty much anything on the grill. But it wasn't always that way. I have had my share of mishaps. These are a couple of them...

One morning after having been out fishing all night (we were fishing exclusively at night at this point) I had come home around 7am and decided that I was ready for "dinner". I spied a taco mix on the counter that the wife must not have used the night before, some hamburger in the fridge, and thought that I was golden. I fired up the stove and did my brown the hamburger and put in the taco mix thing.

Now, me being the natural bunny-humping hippie that I am, I decided to use the toaster oven; instead of the regular oven, to crisp the taco shells. I was trying to save the world by not wasting all that precious natural gas, you know.

Well, that would have been fine except for the fact that I had grabbed a beer and flopped down on the couch to watch Sportscenter. After having worked a 18-20 day (no joke) the day/night before, its safe to say that I was lethargic, to say the least. I didn't fall asleep, per say, but the next thing that I know I smelled smoke.

I reluctantly pulled my fat ass off of the couch and walked into the kitchen. What I saw woke me up quite quick.

There was a bonfire happening in my toaster oven!

Of course, after seeing this possible disaster unfolding before my eyes, I did the correct thing and opened up the door on the front of the toaster oven to get a closer look.

Good god, I'm stupid.

I swear that it made a "whooshing" noise as I opened it up and the oxygen hit the flames. The flames got so high that they actually left soot marks on the cupboards above the toaster oven.

I, being a man of action, ran around in a few panicky circles and then got myself together enough to realize that I might kill my family in their sleep with taco shells. Not the best way for them to go out.

This next part is 100% true, I swear!

I got my bearings enough to realize that I had to get the flaming box (formerly known as a toaster oven) out of the house. I grabbed some oven mitts, muckled onto the flaming bastard and headed for the nearest exit, which was the front door. Halfway there, my pride kicked in...

I couldn't let the neighbors see me out front with a flaming appliance, could I? Afterall, I am a respected member of my community and a known gourmet.

As I was holding this ball of what was now molten metal, I decided that it would best for me; not the family; if I put it out on the back deck. What I didn't know as I was sprinting to the back door was that it was locked. I actually had to set this fireball down on the floor, take the board out of the doorjam, unlock and open the slider and then throw it out.

Thankfully I did it with little more damage than a (slightly melted) spot on the carpet, one burn mark on the deck and one charred toaster oven.

The lesson here is that you wouldn't think that taco shells would burn so well, but they sure do. I'm using them in my next bomb!

---------------------------------------

The next instance of bad cookery was when we had our eldest sons 4th birthday. I was out fishing on a 6 day trip when the arrangements were made, so none of this is my fault.

As far as the food went, we were going to just do some hot dogs and hamburgers on the grill. My wife, in all of her infinite wisdom, decided to save some money and buy burgers in bulk. While that is not normally a bad thing, she thought that the "star" burgers looked especially good at BJ's.

Star burgers are in the shape of a star for the mental-midgets of the world. Once the star-shaped-burger turns into a... oh hell, I don't know.....NORMAL LOOKING HAMBURGER it is then supposed to be done.

Think about that.

In order for it to go from a star into anything that resembles a hamburger, something must need to be expunged from said patties. In this case (and all) that thing is fat!

Fat burns....and it burns quite well.

About 2 minutes after I fired up the grill we had 3 foot flames coming out of it. That led to several things that were previously known as "hamburgers" being turned into a chunks of asphault with steak tartar centers.

We didn't get many people showing up to the kids birthdays after that unless it was promised that I would be anywhere else besides at the grill.



5 Comments:

At 7:19 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Why do I have the sudden feeling that the theme from The Benny Hill Show is constantly playing in your household?

Those poor children...God help them all...

-Danny

p.s. To see a much more tame version of "West Coast Drunkhood", go to this link. Yes, I'm the Mexican in the sombrero...

http://www.themrtexperience.com/teddancin.mov

 
At 9:16 PM, Blogger The Cod God said...

Maybe we should take up a collection so they can fly out there and be taught by the great Danny Secretion!

 
At 9:21 PM, Blogger The Cod God said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

 
At 9:40 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

One of these days...I'll have the guts to go bar hopping with B-Face and Colin.
-Danny

 
At 9:43 PM, Blogger The Cod God said...

According to Bface's latest comment, if you have nuts you'll be perfect for me.

 

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