The Drunken Boob (no, not me)

When I worked on the party boats, we often ran different types of trips. Out of the four boats that the company owned, one (The Thumper) was designated specifically for charters. I worked on that boat for two years and usually the charters were great. Since everyone knew everyone there would be no disagreements and there would also be tons of food for not only them, but us as well. Usually, it was smooth sailing.

Sometimes, they weren't so good. Especially when they showed up on a bus together. That usually spelled trouble and meant that they had been drinking for the whole ride. Those ones usually sucked.

One year I found myself working on a different boat, the White Star. Our usual bag was doing 1/2 day cod and mackerel trips and then switching over to 1/2 day bluefish trips when they showed up. You tend to get into kind of a rhythm after a while. You also get a lot of regular customers and we were no exception. A couple of my favorites were Grits (I have already mentioned him in another post) and his partner in crime, Buzz.

Buzz is the type of guy that will give you his last dollar if you need it, but he would also pound the living shit out of you if he thinks that you have crossed him or his friends. He wasn't very tall, but he was strong as hell and a few jailhouse tattoos, so no one fucked with him much.

For some reason or another, one day we found ourselves being responsible for a charter trip. Buzzy had shown up not knowing that and was bummed that he couldn't go with us since, as a rule, we kept freebies off of the boat when we had a charter. Hell, they had paid for the whole boat and that was what they were going to get. So, we ended up asking the "head" of the charter if Buzzy could come. He was an awfully nice guy and agreed quickly. It's a good thing that he did.

The trip started out normally enough but became more interesting as the day went on...

I first noticed the "Drunken Boob" (referred to as TDB from here on out) when he got on the boat. Nothing terribly out of the ordinary, but he did stumble a bit while getting on board. When you see that, you tend to keep an eye on someone. We have had too many problems w/drunks in the past (fistfights, throwing things over the side, harassing other passengers...etc) to not be so wary.

TDB started acting a little funny at about the one-hour mark. He would stumble around looking lost, hat cocked sideways, confused. After the 2nd stop of the day I knew that he was drunk, we just didn't know how. He hadn't come in to buy any beer from our galley-girl.

We have to do cooler checks before every trip to make sure that no one is sneaking booze on board. We hadn't found any in his but after talking to him briefly, I decided to check again. I normally just poke around to find anything obvious and I would also occasionally taste/smell whatever was in any of those drink containers.

I knew I had to look a little harder in his.

After some quick rummaging, and with him leering at me, I noticed that he had some soda at the bottom of the cooler. Now, anyone who has ever had a Jack and Coke knows about the weird foam that forms at the top. It looks like soda foam, but not quite. And with me being an accomplished alcoholic at that point (age 17), I saw it right away.

The bastard had a 6-pack of 16oz cokes mixed with Jack Daniels (half and half I later found out) with 2 already having been consumed.

Me-Hey, I have to take these away.

TDB- (slurring) c'mon man, there's nothing in those

me- is it Jack or Jim Beam?

TDB- (proudly) I only drink Jack!

Me-you just told me that there wasn't anything in there

TDB- (muttering to himself) qvceysjiqjy qchiqcs ssqvy......

me- what was that?

TDB- nothing.... nothing...no problem man, you're just doing your job

I thought that would be the end of it, but it wasn't.

I had kept both my captain (Ron) and my best friend/co worker (Billy) appraised of TDB situation the whole morning, as I had been the only one to deal with him. That's what makes this next part so weird.

TDB must have guzzled those jack and cokes because he was convinced, and I mean convinced, that Billy was the one who took his booze. Even after I had told him repeatedly that it was me. He just wasn't listening.

You need to understand that the only thing that Billy and I have in common is that we are on the same earth. He has dark brown hair; I have beautiful cascading locks of gold (at least I did when I was younger). He has glasses, I have hawk-like vision. He has brown eyes; I have eyes the heavenly blue color of the clearest skies and the deepest oceans. He has often had to avoid the fashion police from locking him up so he won't injure anymore defenseless clothes; I was nattily attired in my Sunday best jeans and t-shirt ensemble. You get the point.

The booze was hitting TDB pretty good by now and he was becoming obnoxious and belligerent.... much like my normal self, actually. TDB was mouthing off to Billy, throwing bait over the side, and telling everyone within earshot how much that we sucked. He kept grabbing the fish that people were catching around him and slamming them off the wall, just to make a mess. He was trying (and once was successful) to hit Billy in the head with the fish as well. That part was actually quite funny, although I could never figure out why Billy didn't agree. Anyways...

At this point Billy and I were starting to get pretty pissed. Like I said, my captain knew what was going on the whole trip. During a short ride between stops TDB started giving me some more shit and it was all I could do not to tell him to go fuck himself and throw him over the side right then.... but, the customer is always right, you know.

A little later on he finally crossed the line. He told me that he was going to "Jump that lil bastard that took my booze in the parking lot when we get in"

Not smart.

I passed that along to old captain Ron and asked for permission to pound his face in when we got in. He eagerly said "Absolutely...just make sure that you do it in the parking lot." He also gave us the green light to stop taking shit from him.

It was like we had our 500lb shackles removed! It's not often that you get to tell a customer what you think, when you think it. Anyone who had/has a job that deals with the public knows exactly what I am talking about. God, it still makes me smile thinking about it now.

Needless to say, we got into a few colorful exchanges every time that he spoke. Always away from other passengers.... I am the consummate pro, you know. He tried to take a swing at me up on the bow between stops, but he was so drunk that I just stepped back and he fell on his face. I believe that I consumed my entire lunch from the time that he started swinging to the time it actually got to where my face had been a few minutes earlier.

On the way home he kept telling us that he was going to "kill both of you bastards" every chance that he got. So when we got in it is fair to say that we were pretty fired up.

Now, I'm no tough guy. I prefer to stay out of fights because I don't like breaking people's hands with my face. I'm just too damn pretty for that. But I was ready for this one. It's not often that you get to take out your work-related frustrations with the source of them.

Right after we got tied up, TDB hopped the rail, said "see you punks in a minute" and charged up to the parking lot. We had to stay behind and make sure that everyone got off of the boat safely. That damn "consummate pro/dedicated employee" thing again. Right as the last person touched the dock we went sprinting up the ramp into the parking lot looking for some fun.

Nothing.

He was nowhere to be found.

I think it was the first time that I wasn't relieved to not do something that could have possibly hurt me.

As we were looking around, confused, the lady that owns a tackle shop/fuel dock business came out and said she had something for Billy. It was $50. She said some guy came in, handed her the fifty and said to tell the kid with the glasses (for the 100th time..it wasn't him who took the booze dipshit!) on the boat "no hard feelings".

So, with nobody to pound on, we wandered back down to the boat and told everyone that had hung around to watch what a pussy he was and all that other manly shit that we always say.

What we didn't know was that Buzz (remember him?) had grabbed him in the parking lot, threw him against a car and put the fear of God into him. He had said something along the lines of "If you touch either one of those kids, I'll show you what we do to guys like you in prison."

We never heard from that guy again and Buzz never mentioned it.


I'll tell you one thing...if that were me that Buzz had grabbed, I would have left us $100.