Thursday, February 24, 2005

Smokey and The Cock



My friend Derek has a knack for losing his license. He managed to lose it at least 7 or 8 times the last time that I checked. It was always for dumbass stuff. He would get a $40 speeding ticket and even though he had about $40,000 in the bank, he wouldn't pay it. Invariably he would get pulled over a month later and off to jail he would go. My favorite chain of events involving Derek and his license happened one fall. He had been pulled over on Rte. 1 for speeding and when the cop saw that he was in default for not paying an earlier ticket, off to jail he went. I then got a phone call and headed down there to bail him out. No big deal, right?

Well, the very next day while I was relaxing at home with the family, I received a phone call. It's Derek and he's in jail again. Apparently he had duplicatd his actions from the day before. He had driven his truck not only on the same road, but past the very spot and at the same exact time that he had been busted the day before while the same cop was sitting there. Derek said that the cop was laughing as he walked up to his truck after pulling him over.

So, now you know a little background on my driving-license-challenged friend. That leads us up to another time that he had lost his license. This time he had to drive up Concord (about an hour away) to get it back. He asked me to drive him there while using his car since my truck got terrible gas mileage. I stupidly agreed....as I always did.

I headed on down to his house to drag his ass out of bed and while walking up to his house I noticed that the rear seat in his car was down and everything was askew. Nothing terribly out of the ordinary as he was a slob. After rousting him we headed out to the car. I wasn't really paying too much attention until I heard him yell "Fuck me!!"

Derek had been about to open up his car door when he noticed that his $500 stereo had been ripped out of his dash. Not only that, but he had a 15'' subwoofer in the back that they couldn't get out as it was too big so they hacked it up with a knife instead. He probably lost about $2000 in stereo equipment, so he wasn't very happy. He proved how unhappy (and stupid) that he was by throwing his keys at his window. As you can imagine, the window smashed into a million pieces. Now, instead of just having no radio all the way to Concord we were going to freeze our asses off as well.

Well, there wasn't much that we could do about it right then, so we took off for the DMV. After a quick stop at the Hampton Police Department to fill out a report for the stolen equipment we were headed up to Concord no worse for wear.

Not too much happened during the first half of the trip but then a NH State Trooper car pulled up behind us. I didn't pay them too much attention as we weren't doing anything wrong. They followed us for a couple of miles but then the road split into 2 lanes and they then pulled out around us to pass. While they were doing that the cop in the passenger seat glanced over, saw the smashed window and immediately waved for us to pull over.

After I pulled over I saw what looked like a State Trooper, only smaller, get out of his car. You could tell right away that he had a bad case of "small man's disease" by how he walked and the way he puffed his chest out like he was some sort of rodent trying to scare away the bigger snake. After looking at my license and Derek's registration the ensuing conversation went something like this....

MiniCop- where did you get this car?

Me- it's his, sir. (Pointing to Derek)

MiniCop- Yeah, sure it is. (Looking at Derek) Do you have any i.d.?

Derek- No, I lost my license and we are on our way to Concord to get it renewed.

MiniCop- You have nothing with your name on it? No credit cards or anything?

Derek- I think I have some mail around here somewhere...

MiniCop- What good is that going to do me?

Derek- I don't know. You're the one who asked for it.

MiniCop- Don't be a wiseass to me!

Derek- Hey, I'm just doing what you told me.

Me- (looking at Derek with a SHUT THE FUCK UP!! look)

MiniCop- (looking at Derek) You be quiet. (looking at me) Is this car stolen?

Me- No, sir. It's not.

MiniCop- If it's not stolen then where is the stereo and why is the window broken?

Me- Sir, we filed a report about the stereo at the Hampton Police Department this morning. You are more than welcome to check it out.

MiniCop- Don't tell me how to do my job!!

Me- Sorry sir, I was just trying to help.

MiniCop- Yeah, right. So where did you steal this car from?

Derek- (blurting out before I could answer) We didn't steal this fuckin' car!

MiniCop- (leaning in the car across my body) You'd better shut-the-hell-up before I take your buddy here (jerks his thumb at me) out of the car and show him what kind of a real man he is.

Me- (thinking to myself) what the fuck did I do??

Derek- Yeah, whatever....

MiniCop- That's it! Both of you, out of the car!!


So, we both get out of the car as we were told. As I do I glance around and notice that there isn't another car within sight and then think to myself ....great, I'm going to get my ass beat on the side of the road by some psychotic cop and his buddy because Derek didn't pay a fucking ticket....when will I ever learn?

MiniCop storms off to his car to run my license and do whatever it is that they do in there. His buddy, who has remained conspicuously silent while standing to the right and behind the car the whole time finally pipes up to explain how it looks with us being in a car with a broken window, stolen stereo and it not being registered. (What we didn't know at the time was that NH had just passed a law stating that if you lose your license they also yank all registrations in your name) He also added this gem about his partner, MiniCop..."He's kind of crazy. Don't worry about it though, he's just having a bad day."

Yeah, easy for you to say.

Mute-Cop tells us to get back in the car and he heads back to the cruiser to plan our demise. While we are sitting there I can see the two of them in my rearview mirror laughing it up and having a helluva time. They obviously are finalizing the plans on where to dump our battered bodies after they have their way with us. After a few more guffaws, they both get out looking all stern and make the short walk back to our car.

MiniCop leans both arms on the door, puts his face about 10 inches from mine and asks....

"What, do you got a good cock or something?"

Me- uh.....excuse me?

MiniCop- your cock, is it good?

Me- (glancing at Derek and then back at MiniCop) "............."

MiniCop- Is it big?

Me- Um.....I don't......uh, I think that.......damn

MiniCop- Do the chicks like it? Is it nice?

Me- (REALLY worried at this point) I don't know how to answer that, sir.

MiniCop- Well, it must be big because you're donating it to science.

Me- (scared now) uh......I really don't want to

MiniCop- Well, you're going to. See?


He then flips over my license and right on the space where you can donate specific organs it says in big letters "Penis."

Later on I found out that some girls who had my wallet at one point thought that it was absolutely hysterical to write that in there. I didn't think that it was too funny. I thought the cop was going to do something naughty to mini-me.

Well, one good thing that came out of this is that the two cops thought that it was just the funniest thing that they had ever heard. They kept laughing and said to Derek and I, "You should have seen your faces. Ha ha ha! Go ahead and...ha ha ha....get out of here....hahahaha!!!

So, I did.

9 Comments:

At 7:07 PM, Blogger Sarita said...

1) If you were going to steal a car, why would you remove the $2,000 worth of stereo equipment before taking the car?

2) Seriously??!?? That's whack.

3) C'mon, Coddy, it's all in the name of science.

 
At 8:23 PM, Blogger The Cod God said...

I concur.

Tell Psycho-Mini-Cop that.

 
At 11:28 PM, Blogger Wheel Gun Bob said...

I'm only donating the first 8" or 9" of my dink to science.

 
At 12:49 AM, Blogger B-Face said...

You should have whipped it out, thumped it on the dashboard, honked the horn with it, and said "What do you think I broke the window with, munchkin! YOU tell ME if it's any good, Colombo!"

Anyways that's what I would have done.

 
At 8:50 AM, Blogger The Cod God said...

I was going to do that next.

 
At 8:11 PM, Blogger Missy said...

We don't call him Beer Can Barnard for nothing. Hee Hee

Sarah, what does Science have to do with this?

 
At 9:39 PM, Blogger Allyon said...

"You could tell right away that he had a bad case of "small man's disease" by how he walked and the way he puffed his chest out like he was some sort of rodent trying to scare away the bigger snake."

I think I married someone just like that.

 
At 2:05 PM, Blogger The Cod God said...

Hey! Easy on Dad.

j/k...of course

Dad may be short be he will kick your ass, not just talk about it like "someone that you married".

 
At 11:32 PM, Blogger B-Face said...

I disagree - Daddy Cod is far less likely to take a swing at someone out of anger or frustration than the other guy. Big Cod has nothing to prove.

 

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