Don't fuck with us, we're armed

I saw this headline today...

EARTH GETTING WARMER, HUMANS TO BLAME

Really.

What was your first clue?

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Hey this whole Tedy Bruschi thing really sucks. When I saw the headline early yesterday morning I immediately had a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. The poor bastard wins three super bowls (in case I hadn't mentioned it before), makes his first Pro Bowl then comes home and has a stroke. Luckily, it looks like he'll be ok. I don't care if he never plays football again, just as long as he'll be there for his three kids. It's some scary shit when you see that happen to a professional athlete at the age of 31. Good luck, Tedy. (what's up with the one "D" anyways?)

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I just received a care package from Dan Secretion and it included a kickass bumper sticker. It says, "Fuck your honor roll student! My kid kicks ass and listens to The Secretions!" I'm sure that it will be a big hit with all the rich pricks when I pull into the Little League parking lot. Fuck them anyways.

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A buddy of mine (Derek) once bought a scooter from another friend of mine. It was one of those bigger Aero 80's that Honda used to sell. They actually qualify as a motorcycle here in NH. How they figure 80 cc's is a motorcycle, I'll never know.

One day, Derek was giving me a lift home (I know, I know. How gay were we? Two guys on a scooter. Hey, I was 16. Anything that moved us without involving pedaling was kickass) when it started acting funny. We had to stop in an empty lot near my house because the motor kept bogging down. The motor wouldn't stay running normally so we decided to put it up on its gay, double-kickstand thing that they have and see if that would help. Derek fired the scooter back up and was standing to the right of it while twisting the throttle back and forth trying to keep the motor running. Right about the time that he had it wide open, the scooter rocked back on its kickstand and took off like a shot with Derek firmly in tow. He disappeared in a spectacular explosion of whipping tree branches and flying pine needles.

Now, for reasons unbeknownst to me, he never let go. Apparently, his body weight had continued to keep the scooter at full throttle. I was actually quite surprised at how long the scooter stayed upright while dragging his limp body on the ground beside it.

I heard his adventure end with a scream and a loud crash. After I stopped hyperventilating with laughter, I fought my way through the bushes to see if I could find him. I came upon a large group of trees surrounded by several feet of thorn bushes and Derek in the middle of it all. He was just sitting there with this far-away, dazed look on his dirt-smeared face. His clothes were torn and covered with leaves. His hair had chunks of thorn bushes scattered throughout it. The scooter was off to the side with a broken windshield and it's rear wheel still slowly spinning.

It was funny as hell.

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How the hell do bands like New Found Glory even procure record contracts? Do they have compromisisng photos of the record executives? I mean, have you heard these guys? Strangling a cat while running fingernails down a chalkboard would sound better than the assault on my sensibilities that they call "music"

I mean...just....damn, I'm speechless. They are just plain terrible.

It goes to show that what Bface preaches is true. Whatever pre-packaged flavor-of-the-month garbage that they play on the radio and Mtv says is cool will be bought up by some mindless drone.

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It's pronounced fuckin', not fucking. When you say it that way you sound like an uptight douchebag.

You know who I'm talking about.

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Some items that have changed hands during our "Yankee Swap" on Christmas Eve...

1000 rounds of .22 ammo
many different kinds of booze
a cheese grater
gift cards for Staples and Best Buy
a George Foreman grill
gift cards for the liquor store
multiple items from the 2004 WORLD SERIES CHAMPION BOSTON RED SOX
a pocket knife that Momma face so callously STOLE from me
girly candle crap
a wine chiller

you can draw your own conclusions...

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Things Bface and I have given each other as gifts over the years in no particular order...


I gave him a GG Allin watch that showed a picture of a bleeding, naked, dog-collared GG as the watch face and featured a syringe and a Jack Daniels bottle as the hour and minute hand...
He gave me a framed 1997 Confederacy of Scum Supershow poster with a flourescent stripper on it.

I gave him a "Keith Richards for President" t-shirt....
He gave me a Dwarves t-shirt that has a "skull and crossboners" (yes, cross-boners) configuration on the back

I gave him a framed "Bladerunner" movie poster...
He gave me a kickass framed "The Cramps and Lords of Altamount" concert poster

He gave me a giant knot on my head with a possible concussion...
I gave him a broken hand

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While in the "gifty mood" here are a few other notable gifts that family members have given each other....

I received a Winchester model 1300 pump shotgun from my Dad.
I gave Dad a deer-antler handled knife. I saved up my paper-route $ for months to get that.
My brother, my uncle and I all went in together and bought Momma Face a beautiful .22 pistol.
The Cod Gal bought me a .40 caliber Glock pistol to replace the one I had to (reluctantly) sell the year before. It is quite possibly the nicest gift that I have ever received. Not because of what it was, but because how much she knew (and remembered) that it bothered me when I sold my first one. Once again, my chick rules.
Dad gave Bface and I a really cool tactical knife this year. Bface got the "killer" of the two.

Wow. Lots of implements of destruction changing hands.

The moral as always....don't fuck with our family. We're armed.