Doc B-face

This test was originally given to Oprah by Dr. Phil. Normally, I wouldn't use the tv guide listing for Dr. Phil or Oprah as toilet paper, but I want to be a full-service blog.

This version has one more answer per question that Dr B-face came up with after many a long night of "research". I find that the extra answers are more applicable for not only me, but pretty much every one that I know....all 3 of them.


You can take the original test here, if you must. Billy, I'm looking at you!


The Dr. B-face Test
version 1.0


1. When do you feel your best?

a) in the morning
b) during the afternoon ∧ early evening
c) late at night
d) After I've jumped out of the bushes and chased the paperboy down the street in combat fatigues, camouflage facepaint, and my homemade flamethrower consisting of a Maxwell House can, rubbing alcohol, and garden hose, screaming at the top of my lungs about the Boston Herald's left-wing conspiracy


2. You usually walk...

a) fairly fast, with long steps
b) fairly fast, with little steps
c) less fast head up, looking the world in the face
d) less fast, head down
e) very slowly
d) toe-to-heel along the white line, arms outstretched, reciting the alphabet backwards


3. When talking to people you...

a) stand with your arms folded
b) have your hands clasped
c) have one or both your hands on your hips
d) touch or push the person to whom you are talking
e) play with your ear, touch your chin, or smooth your hair
d) put my beer between us so they can't touch me with their disease-ridden bodies, then realize they're breathing on my beer, so I cover it with my beer with my hand, then realize I just shook their germ-hand with my beer-hand, so I drink the beer as fast as I can to get as much alcohol into my system as possible so as to destroy any airborne pathogens I may have sucked up, and blame them and loudly demand that they buy me another beer.


4. When relaxing, you sit with...

a) your knees bent with your legs neatly side by side
b) your legs crossed
c) your legs stretched out or straight
d) one leg curled under you
e) the door to my inpenetrable, miles-deep steel-reinforced lead-lined bomb shelter locked, sitting on a special centrifuge specifically designed, once armageddon starts, to mix my DNA with that of beautiful women, whose DNA I've collected over the years from discarded napkins and cigarette butts, and my M-16 (it's still in the mail, something about the ATF, so I make do with a rubber band and paperclip) trained on the doorknob. I'm usually only disturbed by my wife coming in with a load of laundry, telling me to get the fuck off the washing machine.


5. When something really amuses you, you react with...

a) big appreciated laugh
b) a laugh, but not a loud one
c) a quiet chuckle
d) a sheepish smile
e) suspicion. Quiet, sneaking suspicion. Or confusion. Yeah, that's it, confusion. No wait, suspicion. What are my choices again?


6. When you go to a party or social gathering you...

a) make a loud entrance so everyone notices you
b) make a quiet entrance, looking around for someone you know
c) make the quietest entrance, trying to stay unnoticed
d) pick out the most popular person in the room, drink about a fifteen beers, and then loudly berate them about absolutely anything at all, usually their guilt in the situation in the middle-east, call them a nazi every time they start to respond, do the timeless "lampshade-on-the-head" classic theatrical dance routine, grab a hooter or two and tell them they "want it", and odds are I'm eventually escorted out, conscious or otherwise, and sometimes even airborne.


7. You're working very hard, concentrating hard, and you're
interrupted.....

a) welcome the break
b) feel extremely irritated
c) vary between these two extremes
d) when I get up for another, hit my knee on the table, and my beer-can pyramid falls down


8. Which of the following colors do you like most?

a) Red or orange
b) black
c) yellow or light blue
d) green
e) dark blue or purple
f) white
g) brown or gray
h) you forgot magenta, muave, pink, and fuschia. I also have a lovely boa in teal. Or is it aquamarine?


9. When you are in bed at night, in those last few moments before going to
sleep....

a) stretched out on your back
b) stretched out face down on your stomach
c) on your side, slightly curled
d) with your head on one arm
e) with your head under the covers
f) scrambling under the bed like a pale-white spider in my boxers, with my aluminum-foil helmet, short-wave radio, a map of the booby-traps I set up in case I have to take a leak in the middle of the night, and bottle of Jim Beam, wondering if I alien-proofed the windows with Saran-Wrap



10. You often dream that you are...

a) falling
b) fighting or struggling
c) searching for something or somebody
d) flying or floating
e) you usually have dreamless sleep
f) your dreams are always pleasant
g) On top of a tower in Texas with a .30-06 (scoped), doing what needs to be done to rid this country of radioactive commies. They're everywhere, man. They even watch you through your computer monitor. They're watching you right now. That's why I stretched duct tape across mine, shot it, and dumped it in the Charles. They can prove nothing.

NOTHING.



POINTS:
1. (a) 2 (b) 4 (c) 6 (d) 10
2. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 7 (d) 2 (e) 1 (f) 10
3. (a) 4 (b) 2 (c) 5 (d) 7 (e) 6 (f) 10
4. (a) 4 (b) 6 (c) 2 (d) 1 (e) 10
5. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 3 (d) 5 (e) 2 (f) 10
6. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 2 (d) 10
7. (a) 6 (b) 2 (c) 4 (d) 10
8. (a) 6 (b) 7 (c) 5 (d) 4 (e) 3 (f) 2 (g) 1 (h) 10
9. (a) 7 (b) 6 (c) 4 (d) 2 (e) 1 (f) 10
10.(a) 4 (b) 2 (c) 3 (d) 5 (e) 6 (f) 1 (g) 10

Now add up the total number of points.



If you scored 100 points, you're ok. Live to read another day.