Sunday, February 27, 2005

The Codfather

The Codfather is a unique man.

He is all of 5'6" but comes across as 6'6". You may snicker at that but until you have met him, I'd be quiet. He'll kick your ass and won't break a sweat doing it.

CF is built like a bull. As you look at him all that you see is head, giant shoulders and an ample gut with no legs. He looks like a walking weeble-wobble (for you 70's kids out there).

CF was a Green Beret in the Army in the early to mid 60's. That was back when 100 of the best soldiers were chosen to "try out" for elite Special Forces group and out of that 100, only 3....yes 3, made it.

He went on to be a policeman in Hampton for 23 years. He started as a part-timer for a few summers, got on to full time and eventually worked his way up to be the 1st Captain in the history of the HPD. Some of his larger accomplishments were convincing the department to acquire motorcycles so they could get through the summer crowds better, getting them to upgrade from 6-shot .357 Smith&Wesson revolvers with a reload speed of 3.5 seconds to 15-shot .40 cal Glock semi-auto pistols with a 1.2 second reload speed. Quite the difference in firepower if you ever needed it. He also brought up the subject of having a SWAT team after a few disastrous local hostage situations.

He even talked the local selectmen into having the town fund the SWAT teamwhile putting CF as the head of it.

Who better?

Nowadays, said SWAT team has evolved into having several other officers join Hampton Police Department on the team. It isn't often that someone can look at what their father may have done while still having a positive effect on the community.

He is still a fully decorated expert marksman (although I have some quarrels with that distinction) along with a bunch of other stuff that only coppers know about.

Anyways, don't fuck with CF.


...he's a bumbling fool just like his youngest offspring (me).

I have seen him fall down, cut himself, never see a punch coming even though everyone else did, light himself on fire and other various calamities. Yeah yeah, I know. Obviously the wind wasn't blowing at all when this apple fell from the tree.

Some highlights in no particular order....


He once arrested a guy who had escaped from a mental hospital. To this day, he still says that he was the most polite person that he had ever arrested. Anyways, he had just finished fingerprinting him when the guy asked for a cigarette. Of course, CF being a fellow smoker at the time, he complied. When CF reached towards his pack of butts in his front shirt pocket, the guy hit him in the face as hard as he could. He then (smartly) ran into his jail cell as fast as he could and locked himself in there. CF ended up with his nose tucked snugly under his left eye.
The Dr's had to stick a small spoon up his nose to push all of the "parts" back into place as four people held CF down at the hospital. He later had mentioned that if he could of gotten to the prisoner, he would have killed him. And I don't blame him one bit.


One morning soon after I moved out of CF's house I had stopped by after my boat didn't go fishing that morning just to say hey. As I wandered in I realized that he had just jumped out of the shower. Now, CF likes to sleep in the buff. Don't ask me why, he just does and it can be quite traumatizing. After he wakes up or showers he throws on his $300.00 terri-cloth robe. He always has liked the finer things in life.

Anyways, he was sitting at the table chatting with me and having a butt when it happened.

The head fell off of the cigarette and fell into his lap.

Now, I don't know if you have ever experienced something with a flame coming into contact with terri-cloth, but it can be quite spectacular!

Right after CF saw the head of the butt fall off, he continued to sit there talking and calmly patting at his crotch while trying to put out the possible fire and wondering what had just happened.

It was about 2 seconds later that I heard a "whoosh" noise and watched him start jumping around the room.

Being the good son that I am, I
immediately saw the flame climb up his robe towards his face but it didn't register. Well, it registered, but it didn't register that he might be burned badly. When I saw the flame I had immediately burst into hysterical laughter! I'm not kidding you. It was one the fucking funniest things that I have ever seen!

Here was a proud man (The Codfather) running around the kitchen like a chicken with it's head cut off yelling "Put it out!! Put it out!!"

After he yelled at me to help him a few more times and I got my laughter under control, I finally snapped to my senses. I jumped up, tried to pound out the flames on his back...... and then he took it off.

Now, nudity amongst family members might be quite common in this world of ours, but it certainly wasn't in our family so I tried to avert my eyes.

I had to look back as he could have been burning to death. What I saw scarred me for life...

The Codfather looked just like a naked garden troll and was running around with everything jiggling and hanging out all over the place. It wasn't pretty. And that can certainly be quite traumatic on a child. Even if said child was 19 at the time.

Either way, I got the fire on CF put out before all of the hairspray in his hair caught fire. But the memory of The Codfather running around in circles yelling "Put it out!! Put it out!!" while naked, will haunt me to the day I die.


One more story for now....

CF was doing his usual route while patrolling Hampton late on night. As he was driving along, he almost ran over what looked like a dog in the road. Come to find out it was a 14yr old girl on her first Jack Daniels kick. She was literally crawling in the middle of the road. Good times.

Moving on....

After CF piled her into the back seat, he brought her down to the police station. After they figured out her name and called her parents in Exeter (about 20 minutes away), CF put her into the care of another female (she was a secretary at the time) at the dept. He knew that he was going to have to stick around to talk to drunkgirl's parents, so he figured that this would be a good time to hit the head (bathroom).

The cops had several of their own bathrooms at the police station. The prisoners also had their own and neither one was close to each other, but for some reason it became confused that night...

Fast forward 20 minutes.....

The Codfather was sitting there enjoying his newspaper while doing his thing on the hopper when he heard a rustling. Apparently drunkgirl needed to barf and for some reason the secretary thought that the cop bathroom would be better than the normal jail cell one would.

The Codfather's words of conformation from earlier today....

I was sitting there enjoying the newspaper when I heard a noise...

The next thing that I knew I was looking at our secretary holding drunkgirl's feet while another cop was holding her shoulders. They threw her in my stall headfirst and took off. Drunkgirl proceeded to give me three good shots of pepperoni and pepper pizza mixed with Jack Daniels into my underwear. I didn't know where to start or stop wiping after that. Cod God, ask your mother about this if you don't believe me.
[Even though we are divorced now] She still questions how a young girl puked into my underwear while I was on duty. I don't blame her for asking, but I was truly innocent.

And that ends out The Codfather stuff for now. I'm sure that there will be more to follow.


At 12:04 AM, Blogger Allyon said...

No comment (besides, I'm laughing too hard).

At 12:49 AM, Blogger B-Face said...

NO ONE LAUGHS AT DADDY COD.......oh, wait, it's Momma Cod. Crap. She probably has far better stories that would make us laugh than anyone else.

- Mr. Puff


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