Dr. Cod, Rocket Scientist

Here's one that will surprise you, I used to be (and I probably still am) a bit of a pyromaniac.

I know, shocking.

Not a Burn-Down-the-Local-Church pyro, but just an I-enjoy-a-good-fire kind. Geez, looking back at my past blogs I'm sure it will be hard to see where I got that from....right, Uncle Bob?.

It was a love first born out of necessity....the necessity to not be bored. The bad things would always happen when I had nothing else to do. What the hell is that saying? "Idle hands are the Devil's playground" Well, whoever came up with that certainly had me in mind.

After spending a night over at my buddy Derek's house, we found ourselves with nothing to do and no one to do it with. While I was sitting there bored out of my mind, I noticed a bottle of something on the coffee table. Being the inquisitive type I picked the bottle up to see what its contents may have been. It ended up being some kind of liquid furniture polish. Being none too impressed with that, I chucked it back at the table. While it was still rolling around I noticed those magical words that make every bored pyro's life worth living... :FLAMMABLE: Keep away from open flame.

Well, now we had something to do. With a renewed sense of purpose I decided to test how flammable this polish really was, for educational purposes only. I am a scholar first, pyro second.

But, what to burn? After the usual suspects like the neighbor's house, a homeless person, a seagull, a boat, and the neighbor's lawn, we decided to do something else altogether.

Now, I had heard that you could make a good, if not spectacular, jet engine out of nothing more than a 2-liter soda bottle and some fuel. After some searching we discovered that we had both of those things. Oh joy!

We set off to conduct some experiments before the big launch. After all, NASA didn't just strap the astronauts to a pile of jet fuel and send them on their way. They always tested before the big launch and being the serious rocket scientists that we are, we would too.

These are the actual notes taken from my paper that was published in New Scientist Magazine in the fall of 1989. I hope that the terms aren't too scientific for you civilians to understand.

Test #1 (date and location REMOVED for National Security purposes)

approximately 1/2 cup of furniture polished poured into 2-Liter bottle
dropped match into bottle
ran like hell
realized that hand was getting hot
dropped bottle from hand
ran like hell to get ice for burned hand

RESULT: one half-melted bottle and one burned hand

Test #2

another 1/2 cup of furniture polish poured into bottle along with some rubbing alcohol for fun
dropped match into bottle
ran like hell
much better ignition this time
no sustained burn
needs more flammable liquid

RESULT: nice "whump" noise with flash, melted bottle

Test #3

dumped what was left of furniture polish into new 2-liter bottle along with half-bottle of alcohol and with a healthy shot of WD-40
My assisstant can light this one
Watched assisstant jump back in horror as bottle shoots flame at his face as soon as the match got close
good mix
bottle shot across the ground about 8 feet
needs more fuel if we are to realize our dream of going into outer space this afternoon

RESULT: we're close, needs more aerosol products

Test #4

dumped everything flammable that we could find into bottle
sprayed WD-40 and hairspray into bottle for approximately 30 seconds at the same time
I will give my assisstant the honor of lighting this one as well
nice "whoosh" with little movement of bottle
something wrong, it can't be out of fuel yet
Assisstant picks up bottle, says "All Clear"



The next thing I remember seeing was a blinding flash accompanied with a very loud "whump" noise. After the smoke cleared I had regained enough of my senses to check if I still had all of my body parts attached. Luckily, I did. But, while doing that I realized that there was a glob of something on the arm of my brand new coat and it was burning a hole right through it. While I was putting it out I hear Derek behind me....

Derek- Colin.....Colin...

Me- (ignoring him)

Derek- Colin!....little help?

Me- um hmm..

Derek- Colin....I need some help here!!

Me- fuck you, you burned my new coat you asshole!

Derek- Fuck your coat...

Me- (interrupting) great, now I have to go buy a new one, thanks a lot

Derek- MY HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!


Well, that got my attention. I turn around and see flames about 8' high going up the side of his house. I stand there looking at it while thinking "Wow, that fire sure is getting big now. I hope that lilac bush doesn't catch, That would be bad. Look at Derek swatting at the fire with a rake. What a dumbass."

After Derek yells at me one more time, I snap out of it long enough to smartly jump in there to stomp the fire out. Once in there, I quickly realize that it I probably shouldn't be standing in the middle of a fire that is bigger than me. Not one of my brighter moments.

After jumping out and running around in circles for a few minutes to see if my ass was on fire, I notice an old shed nearby. I ran over, kicked in the door for effect (it was open) and grabbed an old carpet that was in there. I dragged it over, we threw it on the fire and that corralled it fairly quickly.

Luckily he had this "drop cellar" type thing that is basically just a square hole in the ground that is lined with cinder blocks that allows access to under the house. That contained most of the fire but it didn't keep the siding from getting a bit charred. After assuring him that it would "scrub right off", I decided that it would be a wise time to go home. Even if I had to walk.


Unfortunately, I didn't make the "Young Scientist" program at NASA. I think it was a political thing.