Booze, Mud and Tang

One morning after getting the shit beat out of us by the ocean the owner's wisely cancelled all of the afternoon trips. This was a great thing. Whenever we got any time off from fishing it always meant one thing....party! Well, drinking....same thing.

We hung around for a while on the boat to suck down a few rum and cokes and then put the boats away for the day. When we got back in, we all decided to pile into my Bronco and head back to the Love Shack. Since it was a 2-minute drive, I just had to make it interesting. There is a small half-moon shaped beach that rings the 5 houses that were built between our dock and another. In my altered-state, it looked like the perfect shortcut! Well, we got across the beach part ok but I got us stuck while trying to climb a rock wall. After backing up and smashing into the rock wall a few times to knock it down, we were on our way.

We got to the love shack without anymore mishaps and had a few more drinks. Figuring that since it was rainy and windy there was going to be little chance of scoping some Betties anytime soon. So, what were 8 half drunk guys to do on a crappy summer afternoon? Find a place to go drinking!

We settled on this Chinese food place called Tang's because they were known to serve underage people (me) and they had the strongest drinks around. That was a good enough reason for moi.

When we stumbled in, we must have been a sight because all of us still had our fishing clothes on. Ratty t-shirts, jeans stained with fish blood and knee-high rubber boots. It was probably a good thing that the place was empty because they probably would have turned us away for fear of us offending any of the other patrons. Looking back they probably wish that they would have done it that time, as well.

They seated us in a remote area of the restaurant and we proceeded to order. Everyone was ordering mai-tai's and scorpion bowls so I just followed suit when my turn came. The waiter never even blinked. I couldn't believe that no one got carded and the oldest one of us was 22. I had finally found my people!!

It was fairly calm for the first half of the meal but the boys got a little riled up as the empty scorpion bowls piled up. A couple of small food fights broke out and a couple of chairs were overturned. I decided that it was time to leave while I was walking back from the buffet and my buddy Timmy Poole thought that it would be a good idea to do his best Lawrence Taylor imitation and tackle me from behind. Chicken fingers, teriyaki steak and two drunken fishermen went tumbling in every direction. I was saying "Check, please!" before I even hit the ground.

After dropping $400 on lunch and another $200 at the liquor store, we headed in the general direction of home. Somehow, and as always happens, the topic got onto me being a giant homo and driving a pussy truck that wasn't tough enough to make it through a mud puddle.

Now, you can call me what you want but you don't insult a man's truck. I had to defend her honor!

That must have been quite a site. 8 guys wrestling in a Bronco while it drove down Rte 1 careening into oncoming traffic. How we didn't crash and die, I'll never know.

Well, after the skirmish I had to show the boys what the old girl could do [insert joke here] and there just happened to be a place right nearby where we could have some fun. Incidentally it is the same place where I had once driven through a river. What I had failed to mention in the previous post is that there is a fork in the trail and it was a well-known fact that you always went right, never left. With a belly full of MSG and rum and a head full of rocks, I went left. I was going to show these moron's just what the old Bronco was capable of.

Now, I had been left once before and I had only driven about 100 feet before I got stuck. Luckily, I got out that time with no problems but I did get out to take a look at the trail for future reference and it didn't look so tough. The first part consisted of a few sharp turns, some decent mud and a few rocks. It then turns into a long straightaway that goes right through a clear-cut that the electric company had put in to access the power lines nearby. At the end of the straightaway there was a beaver pond that was always flooded and surrounded by DEEP mud. But if you stayed away from that, overall, it didn't look like it could be too bad. Right?

Well, we went flying around the corners, crashed through the mud and rocks and hit the straightaway. I cruised right on past where I got stuck before, got a boost of confidence and picked up some speed. It was right after I said to everyone "This isn't so tough" that I heard a loud smash and we came to a sudden stop with everyone ending up in the front seat piled up on each other. After getting my face unstuck from the windshield and someone’s arm out of my ass, I tried to get the truck (you pervs) unstuck to no avail.

Well, time to get out and see what’s up....

Me- (looking under the truck) aw shit... I fucked up good this time

Tim-(slurring) nah, we'll get it unstuck!

Ed- yeah, use his floor mats!

(before I could say no they took out all of my floor mats and ripped the carpet from the trunk)

3 minutes later....

(now I am the proud owner of muddy floor mats and carpet, which they just throw back into the truck)

Tim- I saw a come-a-long when I ripped the carpet out of the truck, grab that

Me- No, there isn't a tree within 200 yards

Ed- ok, Tim ( grabs it and drops it into the mud immediately)...the cable seems stuck

Tim- I'll help you (breaks a piece off)

Me- (looking at the ground shaking my head) I gotta get new friends

(5 minutes pass while I weigh my options and everyone else tries to see who can drink the most Yukon Jack.....then I heard a voice)

Tim- I have something that'll work!

While I was pondering how I got myself into yet another dumbass situation, Tim had wandered off looking for something to get us out when he came across a fence. For some strange reason he thought that he was going to get us out with that. He had ripped down a 30' chunk of it and was now dragging it towards us with a huge shit-eating grin on his face.

Me- where did you get that?

Tim- (pointing) that house over there

Me- the one that we're going to have to ask to borrow their phone?

Tim- um.....oh

Me- (sighing) how is that going to work?

Tim- (smiling again) we'll pry the truck out!

Me- with what? the rotten 2x4's or the chicken wire dragging behind you?

Tim- (looking behind him) chicken wire? oh...yeah....um, we'll rap that around the tires!

Me- please don't

Right about then Ed came walking up dragging another large section of the same fence.

Ed- Let's do it!

Me- No, really, don't

Tim-(ignoring me) fuck him, Ed, we'll show him how we do it in Mass, let's go

With no other choice, I sat back with a drink and watched them single handedly not only dig my truck in deeper but puncture a tire with chicken wire and snap off my exhaust with a 2x4. After the exhaust incident, I couldn't bear to watch anymore. I figured the best idea would be to wander over to the house and ask to borrow their phone to call a friend of mine who owns a giant-ass truck with a winch on it.

As I walked up I didn't know if they saw Tim and Ed dismantling their property or not and I was hoping that they wouldn't answer their door with a shotgun or a pitchfork. Luckily, some chick answered...without any weapons. She warily cracked the door about 2 inches and asked me what I wanted. I calmly explained my plight and said that I would happily pay for my phone call. It was after I mentioned money that they agreed to let me use it. They opened the door, threw a cordless at me and slammed it shut. I can't say that I blamed them. I was covered in mud with bloody clothes on while reeking of fish and alcohol. They probably thought that I was out there burying my fishing buddy/gay lover.

Either way, I got Jeff and his giant truck out to the scene. While he was there I was trying to act all sober and responsible. The reason being that he just happens to be the son of my Dad's best friend while also being a neighbor and I didn't want him ratting me out. Well, he wasn't buying it and he was charging me $50 to get me out, the bastard. So much for friends.

After some debate, I shoved the quivering pile of mud and booze formerly known as my friends into the truck and hooked up the cable winch to the rear of my truck. Right as I hopped in to steer, Jeff thought it would be funny to turn into Mario-Fucking-Andretti!! We were instantly going backwards at what seemed like 100mph but was probably more like 40. All the while his giant tires were throwing baseball-sized chunks of mud all over my truck. While holding on for dear life I noticed mud accumulating on the inside of my windshield and I couldn't figure out why it was there. Oh look, it's coming in from behind me! Apparently, one of the idiots had opened my window in the tailgate earlier and never closed it. My head was being pelted with mud the whole time we were going backwards and everyone else was giggling like schoolgirls while ducking. Not good times.

I thought that Jeff would stop pulling after he got us clear of the straightaway, but NOOOOOO. HE just had to show us how badass his truck was. He took us through trees, over ledges and across rocks. I swear we completely rolled a few times. Once we got to the street, he got out to unhook my truck, smiled, and drove away slowly.

I went home and changed my underwear while swearing I would never go left again.

Just call me Rush.