Friday, April 15, 2005


Apparently a half-whale/half-dolphin was born back in December in Hawaii.

I think I woke up next to one of those once.

Tuesday, April 12, 2005

Ms. America (where have my balls gone?)

The Cod Gal and I did a His and Hers running diary for the Ms. America pageant last night after the Red Sox game just for fun. She was watching it and I didn't feel like going upstairs to watch something else, so I figured that I may get a blog entry out of it while looking at hot chicks in revealing outfits to boot. I mean hell, I'm still a man, afterall. At least that is what the coroner's report will say.

Anyways, we pick it up about 20 mins in....

Initial impressions...


CodGod- looks like an ugly Barbie, kind of like a giant q-tip....fake boobs galore

CodGal- terrible fake boobs (jealous? The CodGod says) she was supposed to eat the canteloupes for breakfast instead of stuffing them in her chest


CodGod- ok looking, way too much makeup....looks like a pre-insane asylum Paula Abdul...horrible dress

CodGal- pretty face (would look good face down, ass up CodGod says) did Ms. North Carolina puke on her dress backstage? somebody hasn't been doing her crunches (CodGod says..fuckbelly, anyone?)


CodGod- not bad, longshot for the finals, the swimsuit is ok....don't get me wrong, I wouldn't kick her out of bed for eating crackers

CodGal- No opinion at this time during evening gown....(CodGod says that CodGal was busy gazing at his own amazing man-ass) during the swimsuit CodGal says, it's nice to see real boobs and nice legs (CodGod would like to see them as well...wrapped around his head...ok, this is a good spot for Momma-Cod to stop reading)


CodGod- looks like she lost a fight with a psychotic hair crimper, maybe she got her (censored) caught in a light socket? while in her swimsuit, she reminded me of the seaworms that I used to catch flounder while I was a wee-cod

CodGal- How did my mop get on TV? (CodGod says that CodGal wouldn't know a mop or how it works unless it smacked her upside the head) too skinny...should I give her one of my Pop-Tarts? (CodGod says CodGal, eat more fruit....CodGod then gets comfortable on couch)

North Carolina

CodGod- nice, very nice....looks a bit like Anna Benson, the girl who threatened to sleep with every NY Met if her husband Kris Benson whored on him....sounds like my kinda can I get a 10 day contract with the Mets?

CodGal- ugliest black dress ever....ok, nothing special


CodGod- looks like the love-child of Denise Richards and Pam Anderson....wait, I might be onto some kind of Uber-chick....I'll get back to you guys

CodGal- whole package, looks great....can I be her when I grow up? (CodGod is DEFINITELY rooting for that!!)

New York

CodGod- looks just like the interstate....plain ugly with lots of trash

CodGal- did she get lost on her way to a toga party? her gut reveals many toga-parties at the local frat houses


CodGod- pretty damn hot, she actually looks like a normal woman, not all makeup and silicone....and I quote what I wrote "Yum!REALLY nice boobs. She had better win."

CodGal- did she get lost on the way to the stage and fall in a vat of tye-dye? who would possibly let her out looking like that? (CodGod says "who cares? I'll throw her clothes away in the morning") look out Halle Berry, there is another hot chick on the
block....and she probably isn't as psycho as you


CodGod- Yum!! no hips gotta have something to grab onto

CodGal- ok, nice stomach (CodGod says "All the better know what? I should stop here....this is a family blog")


CodGod- way too skinny, the ribs showing on the chest is too heroin-sheik...trying too hard to look like Pam Anderson

CodGal- too skinny but pretty, should chase down her plastic surgeon with the Better Business Bureau to get her money back for a horrible boob job

Well, that's it for the initial observations of the contestants that are involved.


Some random observations....

The whole room/venue that the contest is in must be kept around 45 degrees, for obvious reasons.Trump has to be behind that and I applaud him for it.

That mouth breather (Michael Phelps) next to Molly Sims should close his slack-jawed mouth. He may set even more Olympic records if he did that. Then again, he's a teeny bopper. I would probably be drooling on national TV as well if I were surrounded with such women.

Sugar Ray Leonard says that the competition is stiff. Judging by the look on his face, that ain't it Sugar Ray?

They just gave the award for "Miss Congeniality"....isn't that like getting the "You're just a friend" award? (i.e. The Fat Girl)


My top 5 are....North Carolina...Maryland....Illinois....Oklahoma....and California.

Obviously, they don't agree with me....the facist bastards!!

Their choices are California, Florida, N. Carolina, Kentucky and Illinois.

It is criminal that Maryland didn't make it. Afterall, she ate all of those crabcakes. Shouldn't that be worth something?


Oooh, the question section. My favorite part....


CodGod-dumb as hell!! (big surprise there)

CodGal- speaks well (CodGal is now shut off) that it? what a dumbass

North Carolina

CodGod- sounded some personality, woman!

CodGal- sounds smart but didn't show it


CodGod- very sharp with a quick wit (you don't often see that with women because they are all can send your complaints to and I won't answer because I don't care what you have to say) she seems totally cool, someone you could hang with

CodGal- carries herself well (CodGod says "she carries EVERYTHING well") she's a very quick thinker


CodGod- total poser...she owns a cow but doesn't know how to milk it? that says it all right there...yeah, like she hasn't "milked' anything before

CodGal- why is she here? seriously...why?


CodGod- real slow, real dumb....I hope that she is a pothead just so she can justify her stupidity...they asked her "What is your perfect man"...her reply "I don't know"....what a dumbass!! or maybe she's a lesbian....hmmm, that opens up a whole other can of worms....she might just be my new favorite!

CodGal- seems very flaky, a terrible public speaker...dos she have the same speech writer as George Bush? (insert rimshot here)

CodGal says- Why isn't Maryland here!?!?


Here are the "unrehearsed" answers to the questions that were submitted from other women in the contest...


CodGod- totally botched the answer while not answering the question at all, if that makes any sense...what a moron (yeah, I know, me too)

CodGal- (the question was what would you do if you knew what your future was going to be) I like the way that she thinks. The CodGal said that there would be more suicides if people like the CodGod realized that they are born losers and stopped wasting all of my, er....I mean "our" time and let me, um, I mean "us" move on with our lives.

North Carolina

CodGod- she compared herself to Oprah.....WRONG ANSWER!! You are the weakest link...GOODBYE!!

CodGal- Ok, that just killed for the CodGod. She thinks that she is like Oprah. Enough said.


CodGod- this chick has it all...she's hot, very smart, doesn't take any shit from anyone, she grew up with a family of guys and has her own construction company already, ....I'm in love! CodGal...we're through!!

CodGal- This is the future Emmy-Cod. This girl seems like she is going to grab the world by the balls and run with them. Just like I think, I KNOW that Emmy-Cod will. Hell, after a few short years on this earth Emmy-Cod will kick most of your asses. (CodGod says, not "most of your asses"...ALL of your asses...don't fuck with her, just ask Bface)


CodGod- when asked what sex that she spent more time with in college and why, she replied "Um...I think that I lived with all girls...I forget why we girls lived together with no guys....Tee-Hee"

it's called a SORORITY , YOU DUMB BITCH!!

It was on her BIO for Chrissakes!!

Jesus, I hate dumb chicks.

You know what? That's not fair to women....I hate ALL dumb people!!

CodGal- Why is she still here? Seriously. Someone explain this to me, please.


CodGod- missed her, on my "throne" at the time

CodGal- maybe if she is quiet and never speaks, some rich man might want to marry her (CodGod says "Ms. Illinois, take my advice, keep your mouth full and everything will work out)

(CodGal says- sorry everyone, he's the one typing)


Some final thoughts before the final judging...

Ms. Illinois is better off being quiet and looking pretty. She has a ZERO chance as a public speaker in the future. Then again, she may be President someday.

Ms. California's dress looks like some baby shit on a towel and she wore it. How could she possibly thinks that it would help?

Where are my testicles and what have I done with them?

Miss NC wore a black dress. I know that black is a slimming color, but hell. Aren't they slim enough already? With that black dress on she could turn sideways, stick her tongue out and look like a zipper.

Miss Florida looks like Susan Lucci 20 years ago. And the fact that I know what Susan Lucci looks like makes me a viable candidate for execution....immediately. I'll supply the ammo.

Miss Kentucky could bite an apple through a chicken wire fence. If she wins, I will refuse the celebratory blowjob. I don't want her scraping my belly hair off. It can prove to be quite painful.

Miss Illinois looks SO much smarter not talking. Then again, all women do. What is that saying? "Better for people to think you the fool, than to open your mouth and prove it"? That applys to ALL women.

If Ms. Florida doesn't win I am dressing up in the CodGal's lingerie and entering the pageant next year ...and no one wants to see that.

Last year's Miss USA is talking....why? No one wants to hear her speak. Just sit there and look pretty, ok darlin'?


The finally standings in reverse are....

at #4....Miss Florida?!?!?!?!

How she didn't win, much less get in the top 2 reeks of communism.

fuck this, I'm done!

I'm off to fill out my entry form for next year.

The CodGal's Final Thoughts

shame, shame, shame...

Florida comes in 4th?!?

I guess that they wanted a puppet and not someone with a mind of their own. Someone who knows how the real world works. (I guess that Trump likes 'em pretty and dumb)


Thursday, April 07, 2005

My Own Private Vietnam

When I was a wee-one living in Hampton, Nh we always had bird feeders in the back yard. It was kind of cool getting to see all the various species of birds up close and in their element.

Even better was watching my retarded cat Bo (short for Bo Diddley) being continually dive-bombed by pissed off mourning doves after he would unsuccessfully try to catch one. It was funny as hell. They would line up and attack him one after the other. We also had a bird feeder that was attached to the outside of our kitchen window with suction cups. When a bird would land on it, Bo would sit on the counter trying to stalk the bird all nice and quiet with his tail twitching ever so slightly and then BAM!!! He would make his move by leaping at the bird and smashing headfirst into the glass. The best part about it always was that he would walk away acting all cool like he meant to do it. Good times.

Anyways, a couple of years ago I decided that it might be cool to get some bird feeders and put them on our back porch so the kids (and myself) could watch them in the winter.

I rigged up a couple of feeders, bought some seed and sat back waiting for the birds to arrive.

It didn't take long. Within a couple of days we had several different species of birds coming in on a regular basis. Everything was going fine until one morning after stumbling downstairs, I saw the ultimate scourge of all bird feeders....the dreaded grey squirrel.

At first, I figured that I would just bang on the glass doors and they would run away. I don't mind feeding them as long as they stay on the ground. No problem, right? Well, that lasted all of two hours before they realized that they weren't going to be hurt, so they would just stare at me for a second and then go back about their business of destroying my bird feeders.

I tried opening the door to spook them with my ghastly mug. That worked for a couple of days until they (once again) realized that nothing of harm was going to happen to them.

I tried yelling and screaming for a few more days until I realized that my neighbors must really think that I had gone insane. I can just hear them now...

"Honey, that crazy boy next door is outside in his underwear screaming at the trees again."

Something had to be done and it had to be done immediately.

Oh, I know! My son has a BB gun. I'll do like my grandfather used to do and shoot them in the ass a few times. That'll scare them away for sure! He said that worked for him. (He was probably trying to spare my feelings since I was so young and killed them every chance that he got)

Well, it wasn't until I had shot the same squirrel in the ass four times during one morning that I realized that something more drastic needed to be done.

Now, in my defense, I'm not a bad guy. I had tried to be nice to the squirrels. I even went so far as to put out seed just for them, but they would walk right over it (while sneering at it in contempt), jump on one of my feeders and start emptying it. They were openly mocking me now. I knew that they knew that I knew that they knew that I knew it. It was definitely a war of intellect and they were (obviously) winning handily.

I thought of when I was a child and my stepfather had put chicken wire on one of the feeders in our yard while attaching jumper cables to it. When a squirrel jumped on it, he hooked jumper cables up to a car battery. That was always good for a quick laugh, but it never hurt or deterred the little bastards. They just kept on coming right back.

One afternoon, while walking through the local sporting goods store with Daddy Cod and all the while lamenting about my troubles with the 7 tree-rats that had so rudely violated my bird feeders that morning, it struck me! Well, it didn't actually strike me, I tripped over the display in the aisle, but still...

A pellet gun! Yeah, that's it! I'll get a good quality spring piston, single cock pellet gun! Something with a little more oomph then Jr Cod's little pump-up one. A Beeman R9 to be precise. All the squirrel stopping power that you will ever need. I was done fucking around now.


Now, let me preface this next part for all you hippie-tree hugging-animal loving bastards out there. I have a hunting license and have been through all of the safety courses. Not only that, none of the squirrels went to waste. If you don't want to read about dead tree-rats, leave now and don't come back.


Now I was ready.

I broke the gun out as soon as I got home and went about sighting it in. I was immediately impressed with the weapon. I had never shot and/or seen a pellet gun with such accuracy! I was putting pellets through the same hole at 25 yards while free standing. That's damn good for a pellet gun.... and for me as well.

Damn, I couldn't wait until the next morning....

Well, morning broke and I was ready for the little pricks. Unfortunately, they were ready for me as well. It was almost like they knew what was coming. Why would they immediately scatter now at my sight when before I could bellow like a elephant with his nuts caught in a thorn bush and they would just stare at me? Did they have a spy in the Cod God's household? I'll have to question the kids later.

After a few long distance shots that just hit ass-fur, I knew that I needed a new strategy if I were to rectify the situation.


One freezing cold morning after the kids had gone off to school and I had run off a minimum of 12 rats-with-fluffy-tails, I had an epiphany! I'd leave one of the windows open upstairs and whenever I saw one through the glass doors, I would silently creep upstairs into on of the bedrooms and off him.

Let's just say that it worked like a charm. They were going down quicker than Starr Jones' husband in a men's room. The old freezer at the Cod mansion was filling up quite quickly. I think that my best day was 7 "eliminated".

Of course, there were a few hiccups along the way. Like the time that I dropped one, went outside to pick it up and my cute neighbor was out back walking her dog. She saw me, gave me a big smile and a enthusiastic "Hi!".... until I turned around and she saw the dead squirrel in my hand. They moved out shortly after that.

That first winter I bagged 36 of the little tree rats, but, and there is always a but, there was one that I could just never seem to get.

Call me Captain Ahab because this one was my white whale.

I ended up nick-naming him "diamond" due to the patch of brown hair on his back that formed a perfect diamond. It really was a cool looking patch, but I think that it gave him superpowers or something. Several times I had clear shots at him and for some reason or another, I would always miss. I remember one time in particular when I had him dead to rites (for lack of a better term) at about 30 feet and I missed him completely! It wasn't even close and I couldn't believe it! Not only that, but he didn't immediately
run away so I took another shot....another miss. What the hell was going on? I had never once missed from that range, much less twice. It had to have been some sort of mystical beast. Maybe the ghost of squirrels past coming back to haunt me? What made it even more galling for me was that he was from the original batch of squirrels that had taunted me for months before I had bought the pellet gun (now affectionately known as "The Equalizer") and he was the only one still eating me out of house and home.

Well, one morning he was a little too cocky for his own good. He was yet again sitting there on the railing of my porch while eating my bird seed laughing at me with his eyes. He saw me pick up the gun and aim at him but it's like he knew I was going to miss again. But this time I didn't. I have to tell you, I almost felt like throwing a party to celebrate or marching around with his head on a stick but my therapist electro-shocked that thought right out of my head at "Anti-Squirrel Therapy".

After that, I kept the squirrel population under control but I never had the determination of that first year. In fact, this year I only had to bag 2, and one was by accident. Maybe I'm getting soft, I don't know.

What I have now is a multi-step process for the little shits...

Step 1- bang on the glass and scare them away.... they get 3 of those

Step 2- have Emmy-Cod open the door and yell at them....they get 3 of those as well

Step 3- the pellet gun comes out, but only to shoot them in the never draws any blood and I have found that it is a good deterrent.... they also get three of those...sometimes more

Step 4- as The Loudmouths song about the Tunnel Rats says...."Aim for the head!"...but lately I don't feel like going out there, picking them up and having to deal with them, so I usually just keep referring back to Step 3

I know, I'm a pussy....but, oh well. If they were seagulls, there would be NO MERCY!!!

Quickly...On a related note, when some of my neighbors found out what I was doing they were outraged, just plain outraged! How could you hurt such a cute little creature? That was until they were kept up at night by the squirrels chewing through their walls. Then they were offering to buy me more pellets for the gun and offering me bottles of booze for every one that I killed.

Just thought that I'd mention it.

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