Wednesday, September 28, 2005

These are my people

*This will replace the former entries that were listed under the title "whaa?". It will be a collection of various web searches that led someone (or something in a few cases) to my blog.


Well, since my last entry I've had a few more of you stumble onto my little blog here from various corners of the internet. How the hell the search engines made the connection to my blog in several instances, I'll never know.

First up... the sports related ones.

We twice had a search that led to me. I'm especially proud of that one. Until he beats my beloved Patriots, he blows. Get over it, hayseeds. Tom Brady is the better quarterback and if I had a thing, just one little bitty thing, to do with convincing just one person that Peyton Manning does suck (.com), then this has all been worth it. (sniff)

Another in the sports related area was a search for Charlie Brown football stats. While I'm not positive that anyone did keep such stats, I think it would be safe to say that they sucked. I don't know about you, but I would have punted that douchebag Lucy instead. What a pushover. You know, he always reminded me a little bit of Wheel Gun, for some reason.

To wrap up the sports related searches, we have the 1985 Superbowl (HELL-no comment) and The latter being a totally unprovoked attack on Tom's character (a must read) by some delusional Peyton Manning lackey.

Now, onto the better ones...

Now, this next one we can attribute to one Captain Leech. You may only know him as the dude who likes unconventional sex with many gravity-challenged woman, but I know him as the only man that could get a band banned for life from The Rat in Boston, Mass... or so the story goes. Anyways, he snared me a match by offering me some friendly advice. He offered up that I should change my name to "The Cock-Sucking God Swallowith." As tempting as the name change was, I chose to keep my original name. It would break the Codmother's heart.

The actual search was for "cock suckin' boys". Obviously, a derelict of Bface-like proportions is among us. Certainly not the type of person that I cater to with my wholesome, family oriented programming. (dodging the lightning bolt)

Ahh, this next one is my favorite search of the week... "Older ladies showing their grey(sic) pussies blogs".


So many ways to jump into this one, I don't know where to start.

Well, let's start with WHY IN THE HELL WOULD YOU WANT TO SEE THAT?!?!? Not only that, but why would there be a blog about it? Wouldn't it be easier to just search around on some porn pages? Also, why would you click on my blog to find that anyways? I mean, didn't you see my name attached to it? I understand that while I am a big pussy, I'm not gray... yet. And, I haven't written about it, so there. I wish I still had the link to what entry matched the criteria.

Man, I've heard of fetishes, but... yeesh!

Also in the world of adult-oriented searches we have the ever-present search for "facts on vaginas". While I'd like to think that I know a thing or two about the opposite sex and their plumbing (the Cod Gal is heard snickering in the background), I'm no expert and I generally don't claim to be... either by typed or spoken word. So, that's all I have to say about that.

If anything, that search gives me a chance to link to an old entry that I happen to like a bit more than the others. Here it is in all it's glory...(sounds familiar) Women Facts.

Another one of the fetish-type ones was a search for "ugliest black asses", Next!

We had yet another search for "Cop Cock" that linked to my "Smokey and The Cock" entry. That makes it around 10 times, now. Maybe it's something about the uniform... I don't know. I'll have to ask The Codfather about it.

I just realized that most of these searches are either for things of a sports-related nature or something about getting laid in less than traditional ways. That either says something about me, or people that cruise the web. Probably a little of both.

Oh yeah, here is another good one... "The Maury Povich midget". First off, I didn't even know that he had a midget now. Second, how the hell did it come to me? I must have mentioned them both in one entry or another, but I can't seem to find out which one it was. I need to start saving the links when I get them. And to think, Maury was once a well respected journalist on CNN. How the mighty have fallen.

Anyways, a few more searches that linked to me were "Pam Smart", for obvious reasons. A "double kickstand" for my story about Derek and his out of control moped (scroll down when you get there).

A few other searches were for a boat called "The Codfather". Then there was "a dude jumping out of a window during 9/11" which was odd. It goes to show you how well the search engines key in on certain words because I sure as shit haven't ever written about that day. I was stuck in the middle of the ocean not knowing what exactly to do. It kinda sucked not knowing what exactly was going on, but that's another story for another time.

I'll leave you with this last search that landed some poor, unsuspecting soul on my twisted blog. "What does Yamada mean?"

- Cod

Monday, September 26, 2005

Woe is me

Rodney Harrison is out for the season.

I knew that was coming after watching his knee get twisted 12 different directions yesterday, but it's still jarring to see in print. It must be the finality of it.

No Bruschi. No Harrison. No Charlie Weis. No Romeo Crennel. It also looks like we'll be without Matt Light, our starting left tackle, for the season as well. That's not to mention the 4 cornerbacks that are hurt as well.

If Master Belichick is ever going to earn his money, it will be this year. It's a good thing that he dumped the ole ball and chain this winter.

Oh yeah, and from here on out Tom Brady will be referred to as "Tommy Cool". A name that I've been using for some time now, but not in print for obvious (Bface-related man-crush jokes) reasons.

Also, Adam Vinatieri will be known as "The Closer". 18 game winning field goals will do that for you. Fuck the two Super Bowl-winning-kicks... that 45 yarder against the Raiders in the snow to send it into OT is still the GREATEST KICK EVER!!

There is no debate.

- Cod

ps- maybe Big Bill's buddy Jon Bon Jovi can write him a nice song to keep his spirits up

What to write...

Having just popped in one of my reclaimed Cramps cd's (Fiend of Dope Island) from Bface and gazing upwardly at my kickass framed "The Cramps and The Lords of Altamount at the Filmore" concert poster (also courtesy Bface, but that wasn't mine to begin with like my cd), I decided to write something.

I don't what the hell it will be, but it will surely involve something stupid that I've done to myself... or someone else for that matter.

Yeah, that's it. I could write about how I must have somehow screwed up someone's life along the way. Although, in all fairness I didn't have much time to have done something like that.

Afterall, I've been with the Cod Gal since the tender age of 17 (?). It's hard to ...... AHH!! My Cramps cd just skipped, then stopped. What the fuck. (raising clenched fist to the air) Bface!!!

*We are experiencing some technical difficulties. We'll be back as soon as we can.*

Ok, I'm back.

I'm sure that Bface will be relieved to know that he didn't screw the cd up too bad. I'll let him off the hook this time. Although, interrupting "Dr. Fucker, MD" is grounds enough for an ass-whuppin'. I'll let it slide this time. No sense in going and getting myself all beat into a bloody pulp, right? (<------ gracious nod to my eldery brother)

Anyways, I haven't screwed up anyone's life, that I know of... well not permanently. It may have seemed that I did something horrible at the time, but I'm sure that I meant well and someday we can all look back, laugh about it and have a beer. Though, now is probably not a good time , but someday I'm sure.

Well, that was a waste of time. Maybe I can write about all of the good things that I have done for everyone that I know. That should be an easy one to write about. Afterall, it's not like I go around kicking kittens and slapping babies.... right? Well.... (any actions before I stopped boozin' may be up for interpretation)

Ok, let's write about that.

Let me think of something and I'll get right to writing....



Hey! "Elvis-fucking-Christ" just came on. That is, quite possibly, the greatest song of all time. (like how I contradicted myself? I should be a politician, dammit) Just thought that I'd let you know.

Ok, back to the writing.


Well, screw that idea. I can't think of an instance and I don't have all day, you know. It takes time to keep that couch warm, yo.

I could write about how my Patriots showed that they are still the big dogs in the NFL by slapping around the Steelers in that little playpen that they call a stadium. I could continue on about how Brady, Vinatieri and Belichick should have their own wing in the Pro Football Hall of Fame... but I won't.

I also won't get into how during this upcoming weekend the last 3 games of the baseball season will be played between the tied-for-first-place Red Sox and Yankees and how it will probably kill me. That's better suited for my Red Sox blog that I also don't write for.

I don't know.

Emmy-Cod is rumbling down the stairs now, so I have to go.

If I think of anything to write about, I'll get right on it.

Saturday, September 24, 2005


I'll have something up by tomorrow... I hope.

I've haven't been writing because I've been busy as hell doing various things this last week, or so.

This is the busy time of year for us monkey spankers, you know.

- Cod

Thursday, September 15, 2005


I was just stunned, STUNNED to find out what someone had searched for that led them to me. Actually, I'm not stunned that someone searched for it. I'm stunned that this blog popped up.

It didn't just pop up, I was at #4!!

I'll fill you in as to what the search was on my next installment of the "Whaa?" columns.

- Cod

ps- CptLeech strikes again!

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

We're not supposed to walk upright, part 3

If you didn't read the first two sections of this, you can catch up by clicking on the links below.

part 1
part 2

Now where did we leave off? Oh yeah, I had just received my surgery date.....


Oh joy!

Surgery two days before my favorite holiday of the year, turkey day 2002.

I love turkey day because you get to see the family, eat great food and you don't have to buy any crappy presents for anyone. It's the perfect holiday, with the exception of the 4th of July. That has booze and explosions prominently involved. Nothing can compare to that.

Anyways, I just sat back and suffered quietly (the Cod Gal would argue with the "quietly" part) while waiting for my surgery date to come. Up until that point I had been getting through the days ok with a steady dose of percosets. It didn't kill the pain completely, but it made it so I could at least move around a little bit.

Then one morning about one week before my surgery, I woke up and the pain had become excrutiating literally overnight. I hadn't done anything the day before to aggravate the injury, so I was a bit concerned because I now couldn't even sit still. Not for more than about 30 seconds or so. I was flopping around like an epileptic mackerel going through withdrawls.

After my wife got ahold of the doctor for me, he told me to double my dose of percosets. After trying that for a day, we came to the conclusion that it wasn't doing anything more than making me feel like I was going to puke half the time. They were probably working a little bit, but I couldn't tell. I was in friggin' agony.

After talking to the doctor yet again, he said that there was nothing more that he could do for me outside of the hospital. He wanted me to check in to the hospital right away and he would be waiting for me when I got there. Doctor Feelgood was planning on loading me up full of morphine until the we had the pain under control.

While being loaded up on morphine for a week sounded like fun, I didn't want to spend any more time in that hospital than I had to.

The reason being that I have spent about 40 days of my life in our local hospital(s) for a variety of illnesses/injuries (one of which you can read about on this little section of cyberspace that I have stolen, here is part 1 /part 2 /part 3/ and part 4) and I have come to the conclusion that I would rather be at home doing nothing than sitting in a hospital bed doing nothing. Although, the bedside service at the hospital is always a plus.

So instead of heading for the hospital, I decided to tough it out in a percoset induced haze and wait for The Day. (insert dramatic music here)


Alas, THE DAY finally came.

Luckily, I was scheduled as the first surgery of the day so I had to be there early. The few times that I have had surgery in the past, I have always preferred to be first, or as close to first as possible. It would drive me nuts to sit around all day waiting, and starving. The Cod Gal had some neck surgery a couple of months ago (trust me, it was from atrophy, (sigh) not from overuse) and she was scheduled for later in the day. It was around 11am, I believe and she didn't end up going under the knife until 3pm and coming out of it until 6pm. That's too late for me. I like to get it over with as soon as possible.

After getting changed into that horrible hospital gown, I had to lay around for what seemed like an hour (probably more like 20 minutes) with my nerves going batshit. Was it going to go ok? Was he going to screw up and paralyze me?... (which is always a possibility when doing back surgery) When the hell are they going to do this? Where is the nurse with my "magic shot"?

Finally, my doctor came in, we went over some last minute details and then off I went to the room of horrors.

When I got into the operating room the first thing that I was struck by was how big it was. This place was huge! Definitely bigger than my first apartment.

The 2nd thing that struck me was "what the hell is that contraption on the operating table"? They had some sort of metal whirlygig that looked like something a mistress would strap her sex slave into for some good, clean bondage fun.

I also wondered how the hell that I was going to get into that contraption of death. The nurse that I was chatting with while the other nurses set up told me that they were going to strap me into it after I was under the influence of the general anestethic.

Now, I am not a petite man. So, being the great guy that I am, I offered to climb up there for them (all the while secretly hoping that they would say no). Thankfully, they assured me that it would be no problem to do toss me up there without my help.

Phew! If I had seen myself in that thing with my bare ass hanging out and sticking up for all to see, I would have had to kick my own ass. (yeah yeah, I know Wheel Gun, I always have my ass sticking up or something like that... har har)

So, I was lying there talking to the nurse for a few minutes when the next thing that I knew...BAM! I was in the recovery room. Not only was I in there, but I was gagging and dryheaving left and right. It was not exactly the best way to wake up.

Apparently, the retching had something to do with a reaction to the general anestethic. I vaguely remember doing that once before when I came out of it, but I thought that was an isolated incident.

It was no big deal, I guess. After a couple of shots of compazine, I was ok and headed up to my room for the night.


The one thing that the doctors didn't prepare me for was the lack of muscle strength that I would have immediately following surgery. I guess I should have thought of that myself seeing as how they had to cut through my back muscles and all, but still... damn. I literally couldn't even roll over. It took every last bit of strength that I had just to do it so the doctor could change my bandage. The only way to do it was to grab onto the bed rail and pull like hell and hope for the best.

Surprisingly, the nurses had me up and walking, albeit quite gingerly, by later that evening. I couldn't believe it, but there I was shuffling over to the bathroom. (And thank god for that! I wasn't up for calling someone to help me out in there. No one should be subject to the horror that is my junk)

The best part of that first day was that I could already feel the difference in pain levels from before the surgery and after. It was quite amazing, actually.

I thought that everything was fine and dandy until I talked to the doc. He said the bad news was that my disc had broken into 7 segments and one of them had actually wedged up against my nerve, thus causing the massive increase in pain that I had talked about earlier in this post. Unfortunately, he said that it looked like it had injured the nerve, but only time would tell that.

The good news was that I was going to be able to leave the next morning after he came back in to check on me and made sure that I didn't have my spine sticking out of my ass, or anything fun like that.

True to form, he sauntered into my room around 8am, changed my bandage again and gave me the go-ahead to get the hell out of Dodge... but with some serious restrictions. No walking up stairs for at least two weeks, no driving for 4 weeks, no water around the incision for 4-5 days, and a few others as well. Basically, I had to take it as easy as possible. That was it.

[That shouldn't prove to be too hard, right? It's not like I have any stairs in my house... oh wait, all the bedrooms and the bathroom with the shower is upstairs. Ok, I can deal with that... I guess. Next, no driving for a month...that'll be a tough one. Has anyone seen the Cod Gal drive? I'm better off risking any damge to my back that I would incur by driving. It beats the injury that I would inevitably get when we get in a car crash with her at the wheel. (just kidding babe, you're the best!)]

I then eagerly phoned the Cod Gal to tell her that I would need a good wheel man for my daring escape from the hospital and that she should get in the Codmobile and get her ass over there pronto! She quickly informed me that she was getting the (friggin') kids off to school and that I should "shut up" and she'll "get there when I'm goddamn good and ready!"

Ok babe, take your time.

She rolled in a little while later and off to the car I went. This was one time that I didn't complain about having to be pushed in a wheelchair to the Codmobile.

Off to the Cod mansion!

to be continued....

Monday, September 12, 2005

Whaaa? part 2

A few days ago after compiling a few of the more odd searches that led some of you wackos my way, I figured that I was in the clear for a while before I would have to do it again.


So, without further ado, here you go... you pervs.


Our first search was a bit different. It was "Jason Varitek + hookers".

Now, each one by itself I can see. But combining the two together makes you think. Was it just some wacko that fantasises about the two of them together? Or maybe it was an angry Mrs. Varitek looking for anything to get him on. And if that is the case... Jason, I'm all yours. Call me. 1-800-Tek-Love

Our next category is a from the few "innocent and obvious why it matched" category. One is for the "cod world record" and another is for "blue hake pictures". I don't have the first, but the second one is kicking around here somewhere and it's a nice picture, as far as hake pictures go. They are ugly, slimy fish. (Soooo many jokes can go right here)

Although, one kinda weird search was "rare fish heads". Now, what in the hell would you want to do once you found some? Do you mount them over the fireplace like a deer? I don't know, maybe Barnes and Barnes are making a comeback. Maybe it's for a rare soup? If you still out there rare fish head searcher guy, let me know.

Next up is the strange/perverted category, or more commonly known as "my people".

First was a search for "Cop Cock". Now, I don't know if I am more weirded out that someone searched for that or that the search linked to me. Either way, no thank you. But, I could hook you up with the Codfather. He put in his years as a cop and I'm assuming that he is swinging a schlong. He may not have seen it for a while but if he has, I guess that it would fall in the category of "retired cop cock". Not that it matters, right Wheel Gun?

Anyways, our next contestant for "weird search of the week" was "football players + enemas. Hmmm, not sure what to make of that one. Is it someone looking to give one to a football player? Maybe it's the new thing to do. All the cool kids are doing it, don't you know. I know that I am. Been doing it for years and I love it! Wait, was that my outside voice again? I hope that no one heard me. Back to the story...

This next one will make Wheel Gun proud. The search was for "pimping ain't easy". Fucking-A right it isn't! I gots to keep my ho's in check, yo. Listen G, you cain't let da bitches be all up in your grill, homey. You gots to slap dem hoes back in check once in a while, B. Word. (you taught me well, Bob)

Now, our award winner for strangest search goes to the magnificent bastard that searched for "smokey cock -robinson -wilson -bandit". I don't even know where to start on that one. Maybe it's a new BBQ sauce. They do have some strange names nowadays. Any ideas, anyone?

Well, those are my people. My twisted, twisted people.

I feel like a new father every time that I see another bizarre search taht leads to me. Thanks Yahoo!

- Cod

Saturday, September 03, 2005

We're not supposed to walk upright, part 2

Let's see...

Oh yeah, we had left off with the spine doctor having just informed me of the injury that would change my life forever, a ruptured disc. It may sound a bit over dramatic to say that it changed my life, but it has... as you'll see.

Anyways, after he told me what was wrong, I asked what would happen next. He said that surgery would be inevitable, but we could try some epidural injections first if I liked. He said that at worse, it wouldn't aggravate my condition any and at best, it would reduce the swelling around the nerve and offer me some relief. Most importantly, it would buy me some time.

The reason that time was so important is because we had just begun our extremely busy part of the fishing season. Actually, it really couldn't have happened at a worse time. I normally made about half of my money for the year over the next 3 months. For a person who at that time was acting as the sole provider for 5 people, this wasn't a good thing. (Why couldn't it have happened in January? The story of my life...)

So, I decided to try the injections. They come in a series of three and mine were scheduled at two week intervals. Luckily, my Captain was sympathetic enough to my situation (at the time, the bastard) to schedule our trips so I wouldn't miss any time.

The injections themselves are really no big deal. I was more fascinated, than uncomfortable... well, most of the time. First, they shoot up your back full of lidocaine, then they use a different kind of x-ray machine named "fluoroscopy" to help the needle find its mark. It is constantly updating itself on a computer monitor and the Dr. uses it to guide the needle right next to the nerve with great precision. It's pretty cool to watch the needle on the screen as it moves further into your back.

Anyways, that part isn't bad, but when he hit that plunger on the hyperdermic needle and I received my first injection, it hurt so friggin' bad that I immediately thought that they had screwed up somehow. What had happened was that since I was extremely swollen around the disc, the steroid solution had no place to go. What it did was compress the nerve worse than anything you could imagine. It actually felt like my left buttock (where the pain was located... insert joke here) was going to explode. Not only that, but teh pain went from there all the way down through my foot. Not good times. Not good times, at all.

The whole process takes about 15 minutes and after waiting around for another 20 minutes or so to make sure that they didn't paralyze you by accident, you're on your way. The rest of the day really blows monkeys because you're sore as hell from all the fluid near the injury and that takes time to subside. By the next day, it's back to just normal pain. Well, it was for me anyways.

A couple of weeks later, having received a few days of relief, we decided to try a second injection. Unfortunately, the second one offered zero relief and actually dislodged a piece of the disc so that it could now float around and cause me great pleasure... not.

Apparently, the disc actually broke into several pieces when I injured it. After the surgery, I found out that it was in at least 3 pieces, or 7. I can't remember, I was on morphine but I do know that it was a prime number. Chalk one up for the Hampton Schools!

Yeah, fuck them. I had to have learned it somewhere else. Probably from Bface through punch-mosis. He'd teach as he beat me. "Now Cod, I'm only going to punch you 7 times right now. Is that a prime number? What? Ow, please stop is not a number!! Again!!" And they say that older brothers suck.

I digress...

Well, the 2nd shot didn't work at all so the doc decided to send me to a surgeon to discuss my options. Options? What options? I have an Owee in my back and I need it fixed.

This all happened in June of 2002, smack dab in the money season.

I made the appointment with the neurosurgeon and waited. You know how it is with any specialist, if you are a new patient, you are scheduling at least a month out. Thankfully, the spine doctor had me on some pain medication, or I wouldn't have even been able to walk.

Looking back, how I ever continued to work through it is beyond me. I remember when it really acted up, I couldn't walk normally. I would walk with my left leg kind of swinging out and forwards, instead of just moving it straight forwards. Not only that, but I couldn't walk completely upright. It was the first time that I had an injury that actually affected my motor skills, so it was a bit disconcerting.

Anyways, I saw the surgeon and he scheduled me for surgery right away. Unfortunately, due to some other considerations that I won't go into here, I had to reschedule a couple of times but we did eventually settle on a date.

2 days before Thanksgiving, 2002.

to be continued....


I have a website that tracks all the hits that I get on my blogs. It has a feature called "came from" that (surprise) tells me where all of you twisted fucks come from.

Here are a couple of "matches" as certain websites see it....

Someone searched Alta-Vista for the term "get cock in jail"... a lonely inmate with computer priviledges, perhaps? Anyways, it hit on my Smokey and the Cock entry. Enjoy boys.

Yahoo had some weirdo search for "Trot Fucking" which is weird enough in itself. I assumed that they forgot to add a word or two, but they hung around long enough to find my blog (as the number 5 match, no less!!) and click on the link to an old entry on my Sox blog. Odd, to say the least. Then again, those are my people.

Another search that Yahoo linked to me was "how to back a boat down a ramp". I was the third match on that one! It linked to one of my favorite entries, Outdoors with the Codfather.

Yahoo once again strikes with "scorpion bowl recipe" linking to my What a Drunk entry. That entry is probably the worse thing that I have ever done according to me. I didn't want to write and didn't have a subject so I forced it. The result is pure garbage. If you feel like a pity-laugh, go ahead and read it. Then again, you must feel like a pity-laugh if you're here in the first place.

I've had other like "fucking sister in-law".... "women's shoe size"... and "fat bitch" connect to me. I wish I had saved them all. It would have made for a better story. If any of you have found me via searching for something else, let me know or I shall hunt you down like the dog(s) you are!

Oh well, fuck it.

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