Tuesday, July 26, 2005


Some pig in Colorado was having "sex parties" and bangin' a bunch of high school guys each week. Apparently she wanted to "be cool" or some shit like that. All I have to say is... Where the hell were these women when I was in high school? We had Pam Smart, but she came with a catch. It's just not fair. Kids today have it too damn easy.

So, they scracth the space shuttle launch a few weeks ago because of a broken fuel gauge. Today, there are going to send that same shuttle back up with that same broken fuel gauge. What's the hurry? It wasn't important enough to chance it a few weeks ago, but now, all of a sudden it is? I just hope that get up and back without turning into dust.

Apparently, there was a sewage pipe that burst a few days ago near Revere Beach, Mass. Even though you can actually see toilet paper and baby ruth's floating around, people are still swimming there. I mean....geez, how desperate do you have to be to swim, not only in a toilet, a USED tolilet.
"Honey, what's that in your hair"
"Oh, it's just a lump of shit."
Maybe it's good sunblock, or something.

Alright, enough of this friggin' 95 degrees with 70% humidity shit. The last time that I checked, there are no rainforests in NH. We went from snow to rain until June to 95 degrees. We'll probably get a snowstorm next.

Well, it's just about official. The Cod Clan will be moving to a new Cod-Mansion sometime soon. We'll be moving to a sprawling estate in the Hampton's that's in a gated community. Well, if you consider trash cans at the end of the driveway a gate.... either way, it's a step up. I'm thinking of adding a family room if I can find another cardboard refrigerator box big enough.

I don't want to know anything about any "celebrities" other than maybe their names and when they will be appearing in Playboy, that's it. Anything else, no thanks.

Apparently, China is having a suicide epidemic. Hell, if I had to live there I'd kill myself too. That aside, the one thing that I noticed in that article is that they say that 2.5 to 3.5 million people unsuccessfully try to off themselves there every year. How can you not kill yourself if you really want to? It can't be that hard. Go jump off of or in front of something. I wonder if they have to stand in line to do it.

I see that Bubba Clinton was offered 20 head of cattle and 40 goats for his goofy, brillopad-hair daughter Chelsea from some dude in Kenya. I say that he takes it, it's probably the best that he can do. I can see why he would be reluctant seeing as he already has one angry cow in his life already.

And I can't go away without linking to this dumbass.

- Cod

ps- Has anyone seen Wheel Gun?

Monday, July 25, 2005

Why didn't I think of this?

Hasn't this happened to everyone at one time or another?

Saturday, July 23, 2005

Outdoors with the Codfather

After getting to know The Codfather (aka Daddy Cod) in an earlier post, I thought that I'd show you some instances to prove that it's genetic....that I'm not a moron by choice. Incidentally, most of these "examples" take place in the outdoors where CF really gets back to his hunter-gatherer roots and really comes into his own.


[authors note: I can count on one hand the instances where I have seen CF lose his cool, this is one]

The Codfather and I had been hearing for some time about how good that the duck hunting had recently been at the Isles of Shoals (You can see some cool pictures of the islands here). More so about a certain "hotspot" that the Codfather's roommate Tim, who also happened to be a New Hampshire Fish & Game officer, had found. Tim wouldn't give up the ghost and tell us exactly where amongst the islands that he was hunting, so after clearing it with the Codmother (I had a dentists appointment), we decided to get together with him and head out one morning before school to see what this "hotspot" was all about.

I woke up around 5am that fateful day, and the Codfather showed up right on time about 10 minutes later. After a 20-minute trip down the coast, we got to the boat-ramp around 5:30 and met up with Tim and his friends (who were already there) and got ready to head out.

The weather was crisp, the wind was light, I was skipping the dentist (my personal hell), we were going to a great spot and I was missing first period of school to go hunting. It couldn't get any better! We were poised to have the hunting trip of our lives!

Then it started....

The normal routine to launch the boat was that The Codfather would back the trailer down the ramp and I would back the boat off and drive it over to the dock, tie it up and wait for him. Well, the backing of the boat down the ramp worked ended up being the best part of the day....

The boat wouldn't start.

CF- why won't it start?

Me- I don't know

CF- well, what's wrong with it?

Me- (thinking that I did something wrong) uh, I'm not sure

CF- fix it if you can

Me- Dad, I'm only 12....

CF- (inaudible mumbling)

Me- (still trying to start it) did you get fuel?

CF- yes, I even took the fuel line out and cleaned it

Me- did you put it back in the boat?

CF- (snickering, while looking at the other hunters now gathered around the boat waitng for us to move) of course I did, how could I forget that? this isn't my first big boat-trip, you know

Me- (looking) well, it's not there

CF- what did you do with it?

Me- Me? Dad, you just picked me up...

CF- dammit! let's go back to the house

(tick, tick, tick)

After the 40 minute round trip to the house (where the fuel line was sitting on the porch right where he left it) and back to the ramp, we found ourselves in a similar predicament. Except that this time around we were pressed for time and CF was getting cranky.

The problem ended up being that the fuel in the fuel line was frozen from CF leaving it out on the porch the night before.

(tick, tick, tick, tick)

After sitting in the truck for 10 minutes to not only thaw out the fuel line, but to also get away from the dirty looks and muttered obscenities from some guys that were getting sick of waiting for us, we were off.

The 6-mile ride out to the "hotspot" was more or less uneventful. The more was when The Codfather got a face full of 38-degree water....the less was when I didn't.

(tick, tick, tick, tick)

With us now being at the "hotspot" which I was familiar with from my summers on the Party Boats, I knew that
that it was going to be much deeper water than we were used to anchoring our decoys in. Trying to help, I passed that information along to CF who had just then received feeling back into his face from the douching earlier...

Me- want me to add some extra line to the decoys? It's kinda deep here...

CF- Nah, they'll be ok.

Me- (dropping the first decoy-anchor over the side) The decoy weights are barely touching bottom and Tim said to add plenty of extra line because of the tide, too

CF- good for Tim, now hand me another decoy

Me- (just wanting to help) I have the extra line ready to go ...

CF- (in that "shut up son, I'm your Dad and I know more than you" voice) they'll be fine

Me- ok....

Well, we wrestled with those decoys for 15 minutes before DC finally said "Screw it, we'll fix them later after we get a few birds down".

(tick, tick, tick, tick)

Hell, that was fine with me. I was quite eager to have some fun. The birds were flying all around us and the guys in Tim's boat (about a half-mile away) sounded like they were fighting off an invasion or something. So, we sat back and waited for the first wave of birds over the decoys.

There ended up being one small problem... the decoys were making like real ducks and hotfooting it away from the boat at a pace that could only be described as "hauling ass!" Of course, now that the decoys weren't sitting properly the ducks wouldn't come near us. They were charging right on over to Tim's spread like Oprah jiggling over to a box of Twinkie's.

Me- (trying to break absolute silence in the boat) sounds like Tim is getting 'em pretty good

CF- (tick tick tick) yup

Me- want to go get those decoys? I'll fix them

CF- nope

Me- but...

CF- (tick, tick, tick, tick) No.

After about 5 more minutes of deathly silence and 30 more yards of hotfooting-it by the decoys...it was time.

tick, tick, tick, BOOM!!


I scurried up there and hauled that anchor about as fast as any 12 year-old on the face of the earth could haul an anchor. Before I got it all the way in the boat, CF was already on the throttle. We crossed that 100 yards or so of open ocean between us and those wayward decoys in about 6.8 seconds. "Big Daddy" Don Garlits would have been damn proud.

Without stopping the boat and still going about Mach-5, he banked the boat in a hard turn, reached right over the side and grabbed all four strings at once. It really was quite an impressive maneuver.

He started yanking in all 48 decoys as fast as his stubby little arms could yank them, all the while yelling at them like it was somehow their fault for not staying where he wanted them to. "Fucking decoys! Why won't you stay where you're supposed to?!? What the hell is your problem anyways?!? You never do what your told, you friggin' buncha dumbass'!!"

While he was back there yanking, ranting and raving, it crossed my mind that I may be witnessing some sort of psychotic-episode or maybe a transformation, kind of like the Hulk or something. It was at that point, showing wisdom beyond my years, that I decided to tuck myself up in the bow. As far away from the hurricane at the stern as I could get.

I was having a transformation as well, from a normal, healthy child to a triple-jointed circus freak.

After watching the last of the decoys come flying back in the boat looking more like a Bald Eagles swooping down on some poor unsuspecting fish, we headed for home.

That ride home sure was awkward. You want to talk about a small boat getting smaller? I would have rather been at that dentist's appointment than be in that boat right then and there.

It was the first time that I had seen the Codfather lose it, so I didn't know whether to talk to him or to keep my yap shut. Instead of those two choices, I went for option C...trying to untangle the "Leaning Tower of Decoys" on the stern which prompted the only words to be spoken on the ride in...

CF- leave them alone

Me- ok

We got the boat hauled out of the water without incident (hallelujah!) and hopped in the truck to head for home. He immediately apoligized (which is a feat in itself) in his own way for pulling that nutty...

CF- uh...mmmm....uh, sorry about that back there

Me- that's ok, how are you going to untangle those decoys?

CF- I'm not sure. I may have to buy new ones.

Me- oh, that stinks....I don't know why they took off like that, maybe it was the tide?

CF- I do know one thing, I'm going to make sure that I have enough line on them next time for the deep water (giving a knowing smile)

Me- yeah, that's a good idea

CF- I'll do that right when I get home so they are all set. Hey, want to give it a try tomorrow?

Me- I think that I have a dentist appointment....

Pocket Cod

Pocket Cod caught his first striper today.

Well, not his first, but his first without any assistance from myself.

He made the cast, he hooked the fish, he landed the fish.

The boy is definitely mine.

Thursday, July 21, 2005

Things I have hit

Any time that you hit anything while on a boat, it feels as if the world is about to end. I don't care if it is just a stick, log, or a rock. It's makes a loud noise and the boat shakes like David Wells' gut after going down some stairs.

Now, while being Captain I have hit everything from lobster buoys to channel markers. Undoubtedly, the two funniest ones that I have been involved with were as a crew member, not running the show. If I were the captain, it wouldn't have happened and if it did I sure as hell wouldn't be telling you degenerates about it!

Anyways, the first full-time commercial fishing job that I had was on this boat named the Jerri Ann. Jerri Ann was a big ole girl with a wide ass, and you should have seen the boat! (insert rimshot here, please)

Well, we used to leave the dock at 2am everyday and have our first string of gear hauled just in time for all of the pretty little tuna boats to show up and play "fisherman" between cocktail parties and fundraisers just long enough to fuck us up. Unfortunately, the owner of the Jerri Ann(my boss) also owned one of those pretty little boats and he would also go tuna fishing during the summer with one of our crewmembers firmly in tow.

Our job on the big boat, which I thought was catching fish, was to supply him with a 100lbs of fresh bait everyday and a few swimmers, to boot. He would leisurely wake up at 5am, stroll on down to the boat and steam out to where we were fishing in a third of the time that it took us, the bastard.

What he would do when he got out there was pull right along the stern, I would hand him down the box of herring, and off he would go to catch a huge fish, make a ton of money and be at the dock by noon. Not that I'm jealous or anything..

We had a nice little system going and it seemed to be working out well...until "Crash" (as we later called him) had a slip of the wrist, so to speak.

The morning had started out normally enough, we left early, got Massa his precious bait (god forbid he actually haul a bait net like everyone else) and then he pulled up to get it...


Now, the Jerri Ann is a big boat...at the time it was one of, if not THE biggest gillnet boat around. It was 65' in length, 22' across the stern and stood about 7 feet out of the water. The boat that Massa was on was a little piss-pot of a rig. It was about 35', which is decent enough, but it was narrow at the stern and only stood out of the water about 2' from rail to water.


....the transfer of bait from our boat, down to their boat went fine. It was when I stood up and waved to the Captain that everything was all set, that it all went awry.

It seems that while we were jockeying for position, the last move that Derek (captain) made was to put the boat in reverse. When he saw me wave, he instinctively rammed what he thought was the gear shift from the reverse position, forwards.

Well, that was the wrong lever.

Instead of putting the boat into forwards, he grabbed the throttle lever right next to it and put the boat into full-speed reverse. .

It all happened in such slow motion. I was yelling "wrong way!"....Massa's eyes getting as big as pie-plates...his crewmember clinging onto anything that he could....

Then the impact.

We hit that tuna boat at what seemed like 30mph, but was probably more like 3mph. The problem arose in the fact that the Jerri Ann weighed around 70 tons while the tuna boat weighed about 6. The tuna boat spun around in a circle, lurched over so fast that captain and crew went tumbling ass-over-tea-kettle and water began pouring over the rails sending gallons of water through the wheelhouse door (my personal favorite).

After what seemed like an hour, Derek realized that he had made a bit of a boo-boo and threw the boat into "forwards", thus ending the calamity before we sent Massa's tuna boat down to Davey Jones' locker.

While we were pulling away, Massa asked me "Why'd he do that?", kind of like Derek was playing a practical joke on him or something. At that point, I was just trying to hold it together...you know, because of the seriousness of the situation. I don't know why, but him asking me that made me lose it entirely and I ended up bursting out laughing, much to the chagrin of my Massa.


Massa, Derek's Dad, is a total asshole to everyone and everything, but to no one more so than Derek. He had been extremely hard on him about everything while he was growing up and not much had changed after he grew up.

With Derek smashing into his "baby", who knows how he was going to react?

We all gathered around the VHF speaker outside the wheelhouse to hear the conversation and have a few laughs. After a few minutes, we finally heard the call...

"You on there Derek?"

visibly shaking..."Yeah, Dad"

"You want to put out a few fenders next time?"

That was it! We couldn't believe it. I had never been so let down in my life.

I don't know if he was on some high dose of elephant tranquilizer that morning or what, because normally that would have cause his head to explode like that dude from the beginning of Scanners.

Throughout some conversation the rest of the day we found out that Derek had hit the tuna boat so hard that he ripped a few of the bunks clean off the inside of the hull. He also knocked some stuff off the wall of the engine room, but nothing too major. As far as the Jerri-Ann was concerned, we had a 2-inch scratch on one of the letters on the stern.

Next time, I'll share the other "crash story" that didn't involve me at the helm. It was much more spectacular.

75 foot party boat going 20mph + big rock = cool blog entry

Saturday, July 16, 2005


So I open up my browser this morning, which is set to open my my local paper, The Portsmouth Herald, and I see this...." City water safe to drink despite pollutants "

Is it me, or is there something wrong with that headline?

It's nice to see my tax dollars at work.

This is disturbing

After reading this I felt sick.

Then I felt like hopping in the car and heading down to Pitsburgh and "re-educating" this young fella by way of my foot up his ass...to start.

The poor kid is DISABLED!!

It's T-ball!!!

I'm so friggin' pissed right now that I.....shit. There's no point in getting wound up because there is nothing that I can do about it.... but I hope that someone else does. And don't give me that "the system will take care of it" bullshit. If he gets prison time, and that's a big "if", it will be too good for him.

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

Please shoot me...now

I was just watching the local news and every now and then they bring in some local band or a band that is in town for one reason or another. Normally, the bands are ok but today, yeesh!

I think that it was quite possibly the worst band that has ever lived. Seriously. Just check out their name, "Harry and the Potters." The name says it all but the website is worth checking out just to see the picture on the intro page. Enter at your own risk, though. I didn't get past the picture.


In other news, some dumb broad made her kids ride in the trunk while Lassie got to ride in the front seat. What the hell is going on? That's two psycho-moms in two months that have done that.

She just made the list.

- Colin

ps- if you're bored and need something to read, I did a running diary about the home run derby last night on my other blog...I also have something else that will be posted there in the next couple of days, as well

Friday, July 08, 2005

Meet the Family

For lack of any creativity, I decided to interview the Cod-clan. I'll ask them a few questions and type their replies verbatim. By doing that, it may read a bit weird at times. Deal with it.


First up...

Emmy-Cod.....5 years old going on 18.

Me- What's your name, rank and serial number?

EC- uh....whaaaaat did you say? What did you say, Daddy? Name, rank and cereal number? Cereal number?

Me- yeah, serial number

EC- cereal is YUMMY.....can I have some cereal please?

Me- not right now pumpkin

EC- ok, now what?


Me- Who are you?

EC- EMMY!! Who are you?

Me- I'm your Dad.

EC- ok, now what?


Me- What's going on with the Red Sox bullpen this year?

EC- ..........

Me- Emmy (she turns her gaze from the tv)

EC- hmm?

Me- (repeats question)

EC- cause they're not winning this year...yes, that's their problem....they aren't winning and that's not good


Me- What's your favorite food?

EC- chocolate ice cream

Me- that's not really food

EC- yes it is, to me...so what else do I need to do?


Me- What is your least favorite food?

EC- umm....uhh....ummm....the food that I don't like with peanut butter....ummm...things I don't like are butter and jelly cause we don't have it....I like the jelly at camp

Me- What camp?

EC- the camp that um, go to the camp, that um, that we go to, we go to the camp, Pocket Cod you have to go to camp next week

Me- EC, you don't go to camp

EC- yes, I do....the camp that the (neighbors) took us to because I love it so much

Me- you don't go anymore

EC- I know

Me- ok, then you don't go, do you?

EC- (sung to the tune that only she knows) IlovecamplalalacampcampcamplalalaIneeditbumpbumpgotocamplalala......


Me- Why don't you clean your room?

EC- because, ah...what did you say?

Me- Why don't you clean your room?

EC- why don't I clean my room? because I don't want to keep it clean because I don't like it that way...I wanna keep it clean cause I like it that way cause I like to keep it clean that way cause I like it every day I try to not messy in my room again I keep doing it I don't know why


Me- what do you think about your two brothers?

EC- they're very nice and they are very cute (she then hugs Pocket Cod and says...."I could love him so much I could kiss him" and then she kisses Pocket Cod....a fierce wrestling match ensues)


Me- one more question, who is the most handsome man that you've ever seen?

EC- (without hesitation) you

Me- that's my girl

Next up, Tre Cool....13yrs old going on 6-feet under. Don't expect TC to be very entertaining, his answers will be bland and offer up nothing. He would make a GREAT politician!

Me- Name, rank, serial number?

TC- (strange look)....what?...what is a rank?

Me- it's used in the Army

TC- (irritated already) I'm not in the Army!

Me- I know....it's just, ah....forget it

(this is going well already)


Me- Ok, who are you?

TC- who am I?

Me- yes

TC- (really slow, like I'm a moron) I'm.... Tre...... Cool


Me- Who am I and why am I so damn good looking?

TC- (weird smile) are you talking about me or you?

Me- me

TC- You're Daddy Cod and you're not good looking.

Me- that's it? you're killing me here

TC- (nods)


Me- Who is your favorite Sox player?

TC- umm...ahhh...I'll go with Bill Mueller.

Me- Why?

TC- because he gets the bat on the ball and he's a decent defensive player

Me- So, he's just like you except that he gets the bat on the ball and he's a decent defensive player?

TC- hey, shut up!!

Me- (tee-hee)

(this is riveting, ain't it?)


Me- How many chicks do you have chasing you around? After all, you do have the blood of Cod-Juan in you...

TC- (irritated) I don't know

Me- Ok, I didn't want to ask this but (sigh), how many guys, then?

TC- (evil look with dramatic pause)..... zero... (he turn and shakes his head obviously disgusted with his old man, yet again)


Me- What do you think about your brother and sister?

TC- they're cool but sometimes they get on my nerves

Me- just sometimes?

TC- basically all the time....the only times they don't is while I'm sleeping or they aren't around

Me- did you ever think that maybe it's you that bugs them?

TC- no...well, sometimes.....usually Pocket Cod just irritates me for the heck of it

(he really does)


Me- Why won't you clean your room?

TC- cause I'm too fat and lazy...wait, don't type that, just cause I'm too lazy

Me- Why are you so damn lazy?

TC- (silence....then I poke him) ......I'm thinking ( more silence).....I don't know

Me- try not to talk too much

TC- ok

(I guarantee you that this is more painful to type than it is to read, so bear with me)

Me- Who is the most handsome bastard that you have ever seen?

TC- (without hesitation) me

Me- if your so damn good looking, then why aren't there any people chasing you around

TC- I said that I didn't know how many. I didn't say that there aren't any.

(thankfully, that's it for Tre Cool. Let's move on)


Next up, Pocket Cod who is 8 going on MLB All Star.

Me- Why are we on this earth?

PC- someone discovered it

Me- discovered what?

PC- earth....no America

Me- ok, so someone discovered America and that's why we're on this earth?

PC- yeah

Me- wouldn't someone have to have been on the earth already in order to find America?

PC- no, cause I think that it was London or England that discovered America

Me- ok

Me- what is your favorite thing in the world?

PC- baseball

Me- I knew that you'd say that....why do you like it so much?

PC- cause I'm very good at it

Me- says who?

PC- (with a goofy smile) Meeeeeeee......

Me- you must have had a THE GREATEST BASEBALL TEACHER EVER....

PC- umm...yeah, I guess

Me- thanks

Me- Why won't you eat eggs?

PC- because I don't like them at all...I don't like the taste of them

Me- well, how do you know that without eating them?

PC- because I ate them before and there Bleck


Me- Why don't you clean your room?

PC- I just cleaned it today

Me- for money

PC- for money!! for my game that I want to buy

Me- but why do you need money in order to clean?

PC- because I want to buy a game that I really want

Me- would you clean it for free?

PC- ummmm, yes

Me- now you're just lying for the people that read this

PC- no I'm not, but I just want a game so badly so I asked for money


Me- Why am I so cool?

PC- cause you look like me

Me- heh, no you look like me because I'm your Dad

PC- that's what I meant to say

Me- that you look like me?

PC- no, I look like me

Me- say what? what? I'm confused

PC- I don't care

Me- Why is the sky blue?

PC- cause it's blue

Me- but why?

PC- cause its just blue with white in it....no, its black, it's black

Me- the sky is black?

PC- yes, its the sun that is reflecting on it...the sun is reflecting on the sky so it will stay blue

Me- the sun isn't black

PC- I know, I said the suns reflects on the sky so it will make blue

ME- but what causes the blue color?

PC- ummm, black

Me- black what?

PC- the black sky

Me- so black is blue

PC- the sun reflects on the black and makes it blue

Me- reflects off of what?

PC- the clouds, the sun reflects on the clouds and makes the black sky blue

Me- ok, sounds good

PC- Dad, without the sun we would be in the dark all the time and there would be no blue.

Me- ok, that clears it right up for me


Me- what do you think about having a sister and a brother?

PC- (gives the thumbs-down sign and let's a raspberry go...a real wet one)

Me- Well put.


Well, that's about it for the Cod Clan.

Public school....yeesh.

Wednesday, July 06, 2005

Women Facts

Disclaimer for any and all women readers-- The author would like to let all of you emotional-wrecks know that this is written in jest, so try to control yourselves. He would also like to say that if you can't take it, you can forward all vitriol diatribe to that slack-jawed Llama, Oprah


I found these random facts while doing a search for something completely and totally unrelated to it. I would never want to see what the average woman is like so I could compare and see if I could pass for a chick while in drag so I could work the street for some extra money. Never.

You can read the original posting here.


The Average American Woman

Smith Sensei:: In today's English class, we'll be talking about the average American. to begin with, the average U.S. citizen is a married woman well on her way to ruining some poor dude's life age 32. That's because about 51.2% of the population are women seems like 90 percent and 32 is the median age that's when they are no longer worth dating, much less sleeping with. You have to constantly make sure that their soup stays hot so they know when their boobs flop into the bowl.....again.

Yamada: Interesting. and how many children does the "average" woman have?

Smith Sensei: She has 2.1 children. That rules out Jerry Springer fans and NBA groupies, who average 7....both in kids and teeth, or toofuss'

Yamada: How do you get the "point one"? Oprah probably came up with it.

Smith Sensei: Very funny.

Yamada: Just kidding. So how tall is the average woman?

Smith Sensei: She is 5 feet 4 inches. on the rare occassion that she actually gets up off of the couch I don't know what that is in centimeters.

Yamada: That's okay. I can figure it out. So what else can you tell me about the average American "woman" ? she's evil!

Smith Sensei: She is slightly overweight what a surprise, about 143 pounds try putting both feet on the scale and dieting I don't think that a diet coke while surpersizing your Big Mac Extra Value Meal counts, sweetie. Her dress size is size 10 or 12. that's a friggin' pup-tent

Yamada: Wow! That sure isn't the median size in Japan. Japanese women are much smaller! Yamada has a keen grasp of the obvious

Smith Sensei: Yes, but as japan adopts the American lifestyle, dress sizes will begin to increase in Japan as well. Hopefully they'll have some Walmarts there to sell chicks their bon-bons and muu-muu's in bulk, all within arms length. They'd better. You think that a Rhinocerous stampede is bad? Hell hath no fury like a woman bon-bon less.

Yamada: How true. So, keep going. Tell us more . How about religion?

Smith Sensei: She doesn't go to church on Sunday that's when they have all the good sales for bulk Pop-Tarts, but she believes in God. if there was a God, there would be no women

Yamada: How about money? they always seem to have it, they never seem to earn it

Smith Sensei: She makes less than $20,000 a year stealing from her husband's wallet from her white collar leave it to a woman to take the easy way out and avoid manual labor job. She lives in the state where she was born because she leeched onto the first guy that she saw and spends a third of her income ha! on housing. That must be a typo, I'm sure that they meant Ho-Ho's.

Yamada: Does she ever move? good lord no, she can hardly get off the couch

Smith Sensei: Yes, as a matter of fact. She'll move an average of 11 times in her life. just to go to the refrigerator and back But nearly all her moves will be within her home state. state of obesity

Yamada: Tell us some personal information

Smith Sensei: She wears contacts or glasses to see where her breasts ended up flopping off to, makes 6 phone calls a day to Domino's and has a TV, VCR, stereo, or radio that her husband paid for on 11 hours a day. while the washer and dryer go undisturbed

Yamada: How about crime? marriage should be one

Smith Sensei: You mean will she be arrested? her heart will be, after that last artery closes

Yamada: No. How is she affected by crime? she likes to watch Cops

Smith Sensei: She'll be a victim of crime an average of 3 times in her life. she'll be hit by a car while waiting for a flatbed to haul her ass to that Pop-Tart sale (hit-and-run....the driver panicked and took off...he thought that he had killed a Moose out of season)...Greenpeace will throw a tail-rope on her and tow her out to sea (kidnapping)....KFC will be charged for her murder after she chokes on one of the chicken buckets

Yamada: How about love and marriage? How about oil and water?

Smith Sensei: She has a 50% chance of divorce. that's also her Blood-Cheese level (think blood-alcohol level)

Yamada: That's not very encouraging. try living with them So what's the single most important fact that you can tell us about the average American woman? they are pure and simply evil

Smith Sensei: Well, she has 10 credit cards. and none of them are hers

Yamada: I should have known nobody could know the horrors that we men experience on a daily basis. Hey, do you know any American woman who's interested in meeting a handsome Japanese man? Not right now. Check back in when the Yen is stronger against the dollar and you'll have your pick of the pasture.

Smith Sensei: This isn't a dating service. If it were, it would be cruel and unusual punishment.


This Public Service Message brought to you by 9 years of marriage.

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