Monday, December 27, 2004

Screw The Consumer Gods (and your kids)

So another Buy-Mas has passed and I am stuck with yet another pile of crap that my kids will never use. I think that a line from my Aunt on Christmas day directed towards my eldest son says it all...."You haven't used that yet? I bought you that last Christmas". Year after year my kids get things that they "have to have or they will die" only to forget about them 2 weeks later...if even that long. Every year I swear that I will save the boxes for them because they seem to end up having the most fun with them. Would it be morally wrong just to give empty boxes as gifts? It would kill two birds with one stone. You could save money and give gifts that would be appreciated. This and several other reasons are why I am willing to share Colin's Plan to a Monetarily Viable Christmas.

Let's check a few of them out....

#1. You can get the empty boxes from the back of your local grocery store. Some stores will even bring them out to you if you ask.

#2. They are usually banana boxes so they can double as air fresheners. Everyone that has kids or lives in NY (I'm looking at you, Blair) knows that air fresheners are a must. Especially you Yank-me fans after your stinkass loss and world class choke-job to the WORLD CHAMPION RED SOX!! I'm just trying to help you guys out. Offering up the proverbial olive branch.
**note to my P.O.** (Does that count as community service? It's kind of like helping out disabled children, the Yank-me fans)

#3. If you color the box a little, you can tell the kids that it is some new cool character on tv.
Kids are inherently dumb.....well, mine are anyways. Yeah, yeah, yeah, the apple doesn't fall too far from the tree, I know. Luckily the tree is my brother. At least that is what Maury Povich tells me.

#4. If you give them crap now, they'll be conditioned to get crap every year. Hey, it worked for me. (Sorry Mom, just kidding.....or am I?)

#5. It is also funny to watch their little looks of disappointment when they get nothing but an empty box after you psyche them up for the NEW CYBERBOT KILL KILL TOY BASEBALL SIMS PLAYER BANDICOOT PS2 GAME 2005!

Those are just 5 easy ways to make your next Christmas, and many more for sure, more bearable on the old wallet. This is just a smidgeon of my self-proclaimed (and I can't emphasize that enough) brilliance when it comes to giving gifts not only to your children, but other people as well. Now you'll have to excuse me. I have to go clear space on the mantle for my
Father Of The Year award that is sure to come soon.

Until next time.....

Saturday, December 25, 2004

Big Fucking V!!

My man-crush, Jason Varitek, just re-upped with the Red Sox for 4 more years. I cannot begin to tell you what that means to me. Maybe the wife will get lucky tonight....

Let's go back a few years or so. I first heard of my boy Varitek (from here on out known as Big V) when he came to us via a trade along with Derek Lowe for Heathcliff I- am-now-sitting-on-a-pizza-box-because-I-just-destroyed-my-last -piece-of-furniture-after-your-latest-blown-save-you-jackass-Slocumb. I would have to say that we got the better end of that deal...don't you agree? I think that I saw Slocumb taking my order at Wendy's the other day.

Moving on...

I think that the Red Sox did the right thing here, but it was a bit more $ than I think that he should have received....remember that this is coming from his wanna-be bitch. Apparently he was demanding a no-trade clause and that was the big sticking point for some time because a few other players, namely Manny Ramirez and Trot Nixon, had clauses stating that they would get a no-trade clause if anyone else received one. The Sox generally don't give out no-trade clauses at all. Apparently The Sox and The Evil Scumbag Snake Devil (Scott Boras) did some quick math and came up with a clause stating that Big V would a get no-trade after 8 continuous years in the majors with the Sox. Trot and Manny will not hit that goal during their current contracts, so it works out for everyone. Except Manny and Trot of course...

Anyways, I'm fucking psyched! We also signed Wade Miller for $1.5 million, with incentives that could have the deal top out at $4.5 million, the other day. That is a HUGE signing. He has better career numbers than that fuckstick Carl Pavano who signed with the Yankees to be the meat in the Jeter/A-rod pie. I wonder if he gets a portion of his salary in KY Jelly? Maybe he can be the pivot man in the circle jerk. Either way, I am feeling much better about our chances to defend the WORLD FUCKING SERIES after signing Miller, David Wells, and Matt Clement for the same amount of $ that gayboy Pedro Martinez wanted. Speaking of that jerri-curled bastard, did you see that he totally dissed his midget pal? Now the midget is taking offers to be the official ball-lapper for any team that'll have him. He is the perfect size for that. What a douchebag that Petey turned out to be. Unfortunately, I have already made my feelings perfectly clear in a previous post. But still, that fucking, um....nah, let it go Colin. Let it go. But I'm not bitter or anything. No, not at all.

That'll about do it for now.

- The Notorious C.O.D.

Saturday, December 18, 2004

My Favorite Rapper

is Big E. Smalls....

....because he's dead!

Question: Why did Ron Artest leave the game early?

I don't know, why?

Answer: Because he wanted to beat the crowd!

(insert rimshot here)

har har har!

Friday, December 17, 2004

Petey, Petey, Petey

Petey-O, Petey-O, where for art thou Petey-O? Oh yeah, New-Fucking-York! Petey, you should have taken the high road. You just couldn't let it go, could you? You just had to be a douchebag about it. You just signed a 50+ million dollar contract and you couldn't go out quietly. You could have just said "I would like to thank the Boston Red Sox and their fans for supporting me these last 7 years. They will always be a part of me and a fond memory of my career". Then you should have giggled (you probably homo) like the schoolgirl that you are all the way to the bank with your signing bonus. Instead of that we get comments like "Still, with an off year, I'm way over Schilling as a pitcher" and "I didn't leave because of the money. I left because of lack of respect and effort to get me". Jeez, where do I start with this one? If he is "over Schilling on an off year" then why did Pedro have a higher ERA, less wins and more losses last year than Schilling? That doesn't sound better to me. Call me crazy, but I think that Pedro leaving had something to do with a wee-bit of jealousy towards Schilling. He wasn't the undisputed #1 pitcher last year for the first time in 8 years (one w/Montreal) and it absolutely KILLED him. He acts just like a woman and we all know that they need reassurances every chance that they get. Are you with me guys?....Guys? Seriously. Are you there? (insert cricket noises here)

I do want to keep this fairly short so I won't go into everything that he rambled on about. There are so many other priceless nuggets of pettiness, contradictions and downright bitterness in a interview that he held with full-Pedro-body-massage-specialist Michael Silverman( he always wrote glowing words about Pedro, even when he was being a prima-donna) of the Boston Herald. You can read that here. It is a must read if you would like a perfect example of a spoiled, pampered athlete. My point is that if he didn't get the contract that he would have liked from Boston, that's fine. Take your millions upon millions and move on. That's your right in this wonderful country of ours. Pedro, you do need to remember that you are in the United States of America and not the Dominican Republic where your latest contract would equal the GNP for 3 years. During your stay in Boston you got what you wanted ($) and we got what we wanted (wins). You earned every cent that you got and gave us 7 years that were amazing....three in particular. I noticed that you didn't complain at all when we signed you to a blockbuster, and unprecendented, contract immediately after trading for you 7 years ago without ever seing you throw a pitch in a Red Sox uniform. You couldn't sign fast enough. You went on to make more money last year than any pitcher in baseball history! 17.5 million dollars baby! It reminds me of Ty Law who has been bitching about his contract. He has made more money in the last 5 years than ANY OTHER CORNERBACK IN THE HISTORY OF THE NFL! Maybe you two can go out to dinner some treat, of course. But that is another rant for another time.

God, I hate ungrateful fucks like that. Here I am laid up with back problems while my wife and I have to decide week-to-week what bill will be paid and what one won't. These guys forget about more $ in a month than I will see in the next 5 years. Don't get me wrong, I don't blame them for getting all the money that they can but they definitely need a reality slap every now and then and I am here offering up my services. Maybe not to Ty Law. He's a crazy bastard.

ps- yes, my grapes ARE a bit sour, thanks for asking

Ok, that'll be all of my preaching....for now.

On an aside...

I just saw the new "Greatest invention of all time". It is a lid that seals like a tupperware top but it will stretch to fit any size bowl. It also has other capabilities. It can go from the fridge to the microwave to the dishwasher without ever leaking and/or cracking. All my problems are solved.

Good god. I just read back those last couple of sentences. What the hell has happened to me? I just became excited about tupperware! I am so damn pathetic. Someone shoot me....PLEASE?

Thursday, December 16, 2004

Marriage....the other four letter word

If anyone dares to bring it up to you, use a line from Monty Python and the Holy Grail...


ps- I'm not quite dead yet!

Wednesday, December 15, 2004

Red Sox

Two very important transactions involving my beloved Red Sox in the last 24 hours or so. First off, we signed Edgar Renteria. He is one of the most underrated shortstops in the game. Well, if you can call a 4-time All Star and a 2-time Gold Glove winner a underrated player. When people think of the great SS's they usually name No-Mahh, Fag-Boy Jeter, and Miguel Tejada with the obvious omission of A-rod because he is a 3rd baseman now. Anything to join the Yank-me's, eh A-rod-in-Jeters-arse? How did you like us celebrating on your field? I digress...

Anyways, Renteria is a great sign for the Red Sox except that I think that they may have paid a bit too much for him at 4yr's and $40 million. I was actually hoping that they would re-sign Orlando Cabrera but I hear that he wanted about the same money. Renteria is the better player than Cabrera...although Cabrera was good for comic relief with his 6,000 different handskaes as seen on the Red Sox dvd's. I personally thought that the Sox would either re-sign Pokey Reese for short money or one of the other 3-5 SS's (i.e. Barry Larkin) that are still on the market seeing as how they have prized prospect in Hanley Ramirez a year or two away from being a major league SS in the minors right now. Maybe now they will use Ramirez to trade for a front-line starter...maybe Tim Hudson? A boy can dream, can't he?


Tim Hudson got traded to the Braves. DAMMIT!!

As far as Pedro goes....thanks for the memories and enjoy being the one who superceded Mo Vaughn as being the latest veteran that the Mets overpaid for. They are stupid for guaranteeing (sp?) 4 yrs....maybe they think he can be a closer after his arm falls off next year. I highly doubt that the NY Mets and their fans will let you show up whenever you want for practice/games etc... like you did in Boston.

A quick story about Pedro...

During last years playoffs he actually showed up after a workout had ended and ran into manager Terry Francona while he was leaving the park. Pedro then said that he thought they they were supposed to workout at 4pm, not 2 pm. He was walking in at 5:30. Pedro was late for being late. That tells you all that you need to know about Petey. Don't get me wrong...he was far and away THE BEST pitcher that I have seen in my short 30 years. Hell, he had a three year Koufax-ian run while MLB had a unprecendented era of offense never before seen in 110 years of baseball. To top it all off, he did it the AL where the DH is king! Anyways, respect (read: M-O-N-E-Y) is all that Petey wanted and he got in the form of four years and 50+ million. My only question is why he didn't take the same years with slightly shorter money to go to St. Louis as has been reported? Wouldn't you rather go to a team that led the league in wins last season? I guess they didn't respect him enough. What a douchebag.

ps- John Halama signed with the Red Sox, good signing...short money, he is a much better pitcher than his stats....if that makes any sense

A Public Service Message

Don't have kids, and I'll tell you why.

A quick portion of my average day...

So, there I was. Drinking my drink and cruising around on the web doing my usual rounds and acting like the wholesome-Mr-Cleaver-type that I am. Then....the boys came home.
I have two sons that are 12 and 7 but act like they are women in their mid 70's. They have actually argued about the right order to put their shoes on. They drive me fucking insane!
Anyways, the eldest gets home first and does his homework quietly at the kitchen table while probably thinking up ways to torture his little brother when he gets home. I believe it took all of 3 minutes after my 7yr old got home before they were arguing. This time it was about what my 7yr old wanted to eat for a snack and then it went from there. It resulted in me forcing them to go out for at least an hour... and this is a mild day.
If there is any company that manufactures sperm stoppers like condoms/foam/birth control pills etc. and they would like a new campaign to boost their products 100,000%, just make a tape of me during my average day. Hell, I'll do it for free just to help out my fellow man. Shit, the booze companies could make a fortune off of me also. Then again, it was booze that got me the kids in the first place......

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