There is no God

First Willie, now this!

You know, it's not like Little V was looking for $10 million.

He is signing for $2.5 a year with a $3.5 million signing bonus. Hell, that's a tight end or a backup running back.

Not exactly breaking the bank, especially when you factor in the extra money added to the salary cap this year.

Fuck.

Fuck.

Fuck.

It's all my fault too.

You see, for years I refused to get a jersey of any player that I liked because the first couple that I got when I was a kid led to the players leaving town in short order.

I didn't want to doom him.

That was, until this last Christmas.

The Cod Gal and all my little heathens have wanted to get me a Vinatieri jersey for some time now, but I had always refused opting for other gifts. This year I finally relented.

My thinking was that they would never let an icon like Little V go. After 10 years and the 3 or 4 greatest kicks of all time he should have been safe.

Yeah, I nailed that one on the head.

Fuck.

- Cod

ps- I think it's a safe bet that I won't be getting a Big V (Jason Varitek) jersey for my birthday

Money, Money, Mo-ney!!

Well, I'm not quite the $6 million dollar man. I'm more like the $82,000 man.

(Actually, if you figure in the first surgery, I'm around $115,000)

------------------------

As you have probably figured, I received the bill for my latest back surgery.

$82, 425.71.

Not bad for a few days in the hospital.

Here is a little bit of the breakdown...

$39,207.69 for "surgical supply"... whatever that is.

I'm assuming that it was for the surgery itself. That probably includes all of the titanium, stainless steel and whatever else it is that they left/forgot inside of me.

$19,726.74 for the operating room.

Let's see, with me being in there for 7 hours that breaks down to about $2,818.11 an hour. Not bad work if you can get it.

And this part is for all you druggies out there....

$7,499.15 in morphine, demerol, ms contin, narco, flexeril, and methadone. That was for only 3 days.

(And you thought that your habit was pricey)

Next time I'll need to do a few "favors" to keep the price down.

more later....

- Cod

Not yet

Well, I'm still here. It seems that no matter how many fistfulls of painkillers I gobble, I still snap out of it and awake to another day in paradise.

Yesterday was a particularly good day at the Cod Mansion. Apparently the fruit of my loins decided it would be the proper time to get Daddy-O to consider how much he could garner for each child on the blackmarket.

Better yet! I'll start my own birth control company. Anytime that a new couple considers having a child, they must spend a day with my kids. It's safe to say that the population of this country would take a serious hit.

-----------------------

Well, it's almost time for another appointment with one of the dude's that pieced me back together. Speaking of Doctor Feelgood, he was recently filmed while holding a discourse on the human body, how it is assembled and his experience with it. It's very informative and helps to explain why I am the way I am.

Take a minute, check it out and learn something.

You can check it out for yourself here.

(thanks to Duke Crevanator for discovering and passing along the clip)

- Cod

One Tough Chick

I wouldn't want to mess with this lady. She probably eats raw meat for breakfast.

Could you imagine being her husband/boyfriend?

"I want sex.. now!"

"Ok, ok, ok. Please don't kill me!"

We have the technology to rebuild this man

Cod Nation, relax.

You can all now exhale, break up the prayer groups, blow out the candles at the vigil, take down the shrine and otherwise get back to your daily lives.

I'm on the mend.

I know that you're all relieved.

- Cod

That's one small fillet

It's a good thing that I never had to catch these for a living.

They would be a bitch to gut.

- Cod

Yes, please

0-60 in 2.5 seconds....

I'll be taking donations all week.

Throw on some armor and a couple .50 caliber machine guns and we might just have something.


- Cod

BS day, 2 February 2006

Well, the doctors finally explained exactly what they plan on doing to the ole Cod God on BS (back surgery) day, 2 february 2006.

First, they plan on hacking into my back through my old scar from my first back surgery, a microdiscectomy. The only difference being that instead of a few inches, it will be around 5 or 6 because they need to be able to get at my hip/tail bone area.

Once they get in, they have to cut away all of the scar tissue that has built up (which is the major problem pain-wise for me) around the nerve. After that, they will actually pry my vertebrae apart with a pry-bar and free up the nerve completely. My disc has completely collapsed and pinched the nerve, so they need to free it up and get that height back.

You'd think that they would be done after all of that joy and fun but no, they need to remove my collapsed disc completely and then stuff two carbon-fiber cages into where the disc used to be as well. They actually use a hammer to whack those bad boys into place.

That is all part of a spinal fusion, which most of you have heard of.

After the man with the hammer finishes up (probably some jabrone from Labor Ready), out come the cordless drills!!

Yeehaw!!

They will hold everything together with 4 screws and a couple of brackets. All are made out of titanium, of course. I don't want no stinkin' stainless steel.

Anyways, after all of that is done (4-6 hours later) I get to go up to my room.

They say that I'll be able to walk, at least a few steps, the next day. After my last surgery, I would have to say that that is quite optimistic, but we'll have to wait and see.

They also say that I can go home a few days later if I want to, but there is no rush... whatever that means.

And after only 5-6 months, I should be all better!!

That's all?

- Cod

Just plain nasty.

As if this shit wasn't gross enough...


- Cod

I'm in love

Will my man-crush ever cease on this man?

Yet another reason why I wear his shirt proudly and secretly wish to be his wife.

Epping is only 15-20 minutes away from here. If it weren't for that damned restraining order....


- Cod

ps- I'll either be his wife or be him... I'll take either

Good times

Well, its another cold morning here in NH (9 degrees) and I am awaiting the first of 6 or 7 Dr's appointments this week.

Why so many you ask? (I know no one asked, or cares, but I'm gonna tell you anyways so shut up) I get to have the pleasure of having more back surgery.

Woohoo.

The first back surgery that I had was relatively minor in nature compared to this upcoming clusterfuck. All they did was go in and trim a little of this, cut a little of that, and find the various pieces of my disc that had shattered.

This time they are going to need a few power tools to get the job done.

A quick aside... you'd think that they would use some sort of special medical-quality type drill to do it. But no, they have a regular old Dewalt cordless drill just like the one I use to build shit with. I don't know if one should be a bit worried when you are just starting to fall asleep from the anesthesia and you hear "Hey, where the hell is my 1/2 drill bit? I just got it yesterday at Sears."

Anyways, what they are going to do to me first is to hack me open and start prying shit apart. Yup, thats the exact words that the doc used.... "pry your spine apart."

That doesn't sound like it's a good thing for me, now does it?

The reason that they have to do that is because my disc has completely collapsed and they need to remove it. They'll get right in there and pry my spine apart so they can take out whats left of the ruined disc and replace it with a bone plug. Oh yeah, that "bone plug" is a chunk of bone that they will get by sawing it from my hip.

Good times.

You'd think that would be enough, but nope. There's more.

Also, they will be putting in some sort of titanium cage that'll keep everything in there together and contained.

Then there is a disc fusion that has to be done as well. I'm not sure if that was part of the whole "pry and plug" aspect that I talked about earlier. I'll find out on Wednesday when the surgery will be explained to me in more detail.

So, now it's off for a physical to see if I'm "surgery ready" or some shit like that. Then it's off to give blood (twice) so we'll have some on standby "just in case", as they say.

I don't know, anything that requires you giving up a couple pints of the ole "life juice" ahead of time can't be a good thing.

That's about it for now.... more later.

- Cod

If you're gonna go...

... take out something along the way.

This was one pissed of mouse.


And no, I haven't stopped laughing yet.

- Cod

My Relatives

I guarantee you that this guy is somehow related to me.

He has to be!

No one else besides me has luck like this.

Actually, I probably would have received a bill from the city for the streetcleaner that had to come by and clean up my blood.

On the opposite end of the spectrum...

Wheel Gun, it sounds like one of your band members hit the barn after the show.


- Cod

Too funny

I like how they itemized the extra $225,000.

- Cod

one autumn day

It was late in the 4th quarter, the score was 6-3 and Pocket Cod's team was losing.

Pocket Cod's team had the ball on the 1 yard line and it was 4th down. The clock showed that there was only one measely second left.

The crowd was going crazy, but Pocket Cod remained calm. He knew what he had to do. He had to get across that goal line. The goal line that was so close, but so far away.

Pocket Cod had been working for this since he was old enough to play football. He had been dreaming about this moment all of his life.

There he goes. Across the goal line and into the end zone.

He scored.

He scored in the Superbowl to win the game.

THE END

by,

Pocket Cod (with some help from Cod)

Tommy Cool

In four-and-a-half years as an NFL starter, New England quarterback Tom Brady has never lost two games in a row.

--------------

Also, Bill Belichick's father, Steve Belichick, died Saturday night.

How Bill even coached yesterday is beyond me. Although, with Dad having been a coach, I'm sure that's what he would have wanted.

Here is a good article on Dad by the always great Bob Ryan of the Boston Globe.

--------------

There is no way that people can be so stupid that this could possibly work. Well, then again.... American Idol is a hit.

- Cod

Domino!

He had it coming.

- Cod

My Patriots

a few things that were "borrowed" from Peter King's MMQB column...
(a must-read for any true football fan)

STAT OF THE WEEK I

Want to know why the balance of power in the AFC has turned upside down?

Games missed by defensive starters due to injury in 2005:
Indianapolis (9-0): 2
New England (5-4): 31

An Indy asterisk: Joseph Jefferson was slated to start at the safety spot now manned by Mike Doss, but he has been sidelined with a toe injury. I don't count him because Doss was the starter there last year. Jefferson was making the switch from corner to safety, so he was going to be a first-time starter there. The two missed starts are from Montae Reagor, and those hardly hurt because of the Colts strong four-man rotation at defensive tackle.

The Patriots are starting their fifth strong safety, Michael Stone. This figure includes Tedy Bruschi, even though he didn't start the season as a starter. The list: Bruschi 6, Tyrone Poole 8, Rodney Harrison 6, Richard Seymour 4, Guss Scott 4, James Sanders 3.

---------------------

I expected a little more out of the Miami running game. Heath Evans (who was cut by Miami October 25th and subsequently picked up by the Patriots) outrushed Ronnie Brown and Ricky Williams combined.

---------------------

I think the Patriots won a road division game without their starting running back, tight end, left tackle, right tackle, strong safety, right corner and one starting receiver. That's pretty good, I would say. Real good.

Ole Mr. King nails it on the head this week.

- Cod

No, not Michael...

While I would never make light of all the death and destruction that was recently unleashed by some cocksucker suicide bombers in Jordan, it does give me an excuse to link to a picture of Queen Rania.

I wouldn't kick her out of bed for eating crackers, if you know what I mean.

(stunning in black)

-----------------------

Surgery all around!

Let's see, first it was I.

Then the Cod Gal had disc-fusion surgery on her neck a few months ago.

Now, the Codfather.

The Codfather has been fighting a bad back since the blizzard of '78 caused the flood of '78 in my hometown of Hampton, NH.

While he was out being hero #1 (he was a police officer at the time) and rescuing dumb, old bastards that didn't evacuate like they should have, he got picked up by a wave and carried for three blocks where he was then unceremoniuosly dumped, back first.

All I remember, because I was not yet 4 years old, was a knock at the door and when the Codmother answered the door, I heard a loud "Oh my god!"

I immediately hoofed it around the corner to see what was up and there I saw my Dad sort of propped up in the doorway, soaked to the skin, and mumbling something about being hurt. There actually may have been some seaweed draped on him, but I'm sure that's my 4yr old imagination remembering that.

Anyways, the Codfather has always had a bad back. Now it looks like he will going under the knife (again). Hopefully, he has a better result than I had.

----------------------

Now, this takes all of the fun out of winter.... for obvious reasons.

There is no need to improve the bra, after the perfection that is the Wonderbra, was created.


- Cod

ps- There is always next year Pats fans

This man for President

I'm starting a write-in campaign for this guy.

He solves the terrorism epidemic with one brilliant idea.

- Cod

ps- thanks to Mr. B for sending this one in

Cam-Fucking-Neely!!

My favorite hockey player of all time, Cam Neely, will be inducted into the Hockey Hall of Fame tonight.

Cam was a man among men. He would pound the shit out of a couple goons on one shift, then go out and score the prettiest goal that you have ever seen on the next. To this day, I have still not seen another hockey player that has blended the two (toughness and finesse) with such command. Unfortunately, a cheap shot by that cowardly cocksucker Ulf Samuelson, ultimately ended his career.
In the 93-94 season, he became the third fastest player to score 50 goals. He scored his in only 44 games and Cam did it on one leg. He had been playing in every-other game because of a serious leg injury and did he complain? No! He sucked it up, and kicked some ass.

You know what? I'm going to stop. This man deserves his own column and I would do him a grave injustice but doing anything but and I haven't even gotten into his foundation for kids with cancer.

What he did was to buy a home in Boston so he could give the entire family a place to live while the children go through their treatments. That's how he started, it's evolved into much more than that. I urge you to check it out, if you can.

------------------------

I saw this on the news this morning and immediately thought of my Uncle Wheelgun. I guess that it's his lucky day.

(uh, I just re-read that... it's a bit disturbing that when lesbian cheerleaders are on the mind, my mind immediately goes to my twisted Uncle... maybe that therapy isn't such a bad idea afterall)

-------------------

You know, I've heard people say that they really want/need a drink, but this guy takes it to a completely different level. And then, after all of those miles traveled, he just gives up in front of a liquor store? You're on death row, junior. It's not like you're going to get back out of prison anytime soon in something other than a pine box. At least run down the street, or something. Give a fake name... anything.

It's obvious that he didn't break out of prison to go to a MENSA meeting. That's for sure.

------------------

Well, I hope that Peyton Manning enjoyed his time in the world of the unbeaten, because that is going to change around midnight EST. Hopefully, his buddy Kenny Chesney will be there to give him a hug afterwards because he's gonna need it.

Prediction...
Pats- 31
Mannings- 27

------------------

Speaking of football, did you catch that 60 minutes interview with Tommy Cool last night? Is there anything that he can't do? He even interviews well. I also liked that demonstration on how he and Deion Branch can look at each other and know what play that Tommy Cool is going to run. I'm surprised that they even showed it. You know how paranoid that Belichick can be. You can read a full transcript, or watch it if you'd like, here.

That's it for today.

- Cod

ps- I will put money on the fact that Brady will hold some sort of public office within the next 20 years.

A close call.

Let's all say a collective "Thanks" to everyone involved in the rescue of a friend of mine Thursday night. It sounds like everyone made it off ok, thanks to another stellar effort by our United States Coast Guard.

Unfortunately, it looks like he's going to lose his boat, but thank God (and that's saying a lot for me) that he came home to his wife and kids and I'm very happy for that.

Back to the Coasties for a minute...

These guys get overlooked all the time when people speak of the military, but they are as vital a cog in the defense of this country as any branch.

Yes, a few of them are "Ohio Hero's" and they do have their moments (like the time they had to throw me a line from 20 feet away and it took them 13 tries) , but those bastards sure can fly a chopper and they look awfully good doing it.

Trust me, I've seen it first hand.

- Cod

Glue isn't just for sniffing anymore!

I've been freaked out about some things that have happened while relieving myself, but never for this reason.

--------------------

Now, that's not so bad. It's a prank, albeit a prank that shouldn't have gone as far as it did.

But this one.... this one is just plain wrong!

You just don't glue a man's hot rocks to anything, anywhere. She said that it was part of some sort of love game.

Yeah right!

Call me old fashioned but if the Cod Gal said, "Hey honey, I have an idea to spice up our love life. Let's whip out some SUPER GLUE!!" I'd decline.

Immediately!

Unfortunately, this isn't the first time that a woman has done something atrocious to some poor schmuck's love rocket. They seem to think that it's ok to do that. Um... nope.

I wonder how you women would like it if your significant other popped the tire on the wheelbarrow(s) that you use to lug your boobs around in. That wouldn't be too funny, now would it? You'd probably kill a small child when they came crashing down to earth.

On that note...


- Cod

Aren't sports wonderful?

They offer grown men and women (and A-rod) opportunities when other avenues in life have been shut down. A way out of the gutter, so to speak.

Hell, if you are one of the lucky few that actually get paid to play a child's game for a living, you don't even have to learn how to read.

(Am I the only one that finds it absolutely hilarious that he "outs" his illiteracy in a book? How did he know that they were even writing that? For all he knows, it could have been a shopping list)

This reminds me of the sad tale that is Dexter Manley.

Man, what a player.

What a waste.

- Cod

ps- and that's saying something coming from me and all of my fulfulled potential

I wonder if he had to tag it

I'm going to try and start to post something, at least a link, everyday. Most likely it will be something that I find either amusing and/or disgusting. So, prepare yourself for anything.

If you have any suggestions, email them along to me at thecodgod@comcast.net.

Here is #1....

-----------------------------

This is the way that REAL men do it.

So, obviously I don't subscribe to such a method.


- Cod

Secretion of the mind

Well, I'm back from my monthly blood-washing (thanks for the tip, Keith!) to end the longest drought of my illustrious career as the preemminent blogger of our time. It probably won't be any good, but I don't care. It must be all the drugs that they keep giving me. Just call me Brian Wilson.

I see that some of my beloved Red Sox added a few trinkets to their trophy cases in the last few days. Manny, Papi, and Big V all won Silver Slugger awards two days ago. For Manny, this is his seventh in a row and 8th(!) overall. It was Varitek's first (should have had one the last couple of years) and Papi's 2nd.

I'm waiting for them to legalize the stomping Hippies.

This is second award of the offseason for Papi with him having won the Hank Aaron award last week. That is awarded to the best overall hitter from each league every year. Hell, Papi will probably need a wheelbarrow to haul away all of his the awards after all of this is said and done. Hopefully, the trophy on top of the pile will be the MVP, but we'll see. I just can't see how Mr. 3-run-homer-when-my-team-is-up-by-5-in-the-8th-inning Rodriguez.

**UPDATE**
Big V just won his first Gold Glove award for his stellar defense behind the plate. It's about friggin' time, dammit. Ok, I'm off to give him a full-body massage.

Well, the battle continues on this destroyed back of mine. I had my 7th(!) injection this morning and it didn't go very well. At one point I could actually feel the needle scraping along my spine. It makes this weird scraping noise that echo's up an down your body. The problem this morning was that I have so much scar tissue built up around the nerve that the medicine that the injection can't properly disperse to reduce the swelling. I think it's all a big waste of time and I'm sure that I'll have to have more surgery, but we'll see... I guess.

Frikafraka firecracker siss boom bah... bugs bunny bugs bunny, rah rah rah.

If they ever legalized hunting seagulls, I would buy a case of shotgun shells, a few hundred pounds of herring and go to town. I hate them more than squirrels... and we all know how I feel about those fucking tree-rats. (Where's my pellet gun, dammit!?)


Well, on that note...

Just another drunk

Having worked on the Party Boats for a number of seasons, I've had to deal with many a drunk over the years. Some result in a donnybrook (I've always wanted to use that word somehow) while others just end up being chalked up as another day at the office.

One guy that was memorable, at least to me, happened one warm Sunday afternoon.

Usually once you got through the Friday and Saturday trips, you could usually count on Sunday being fairly easy. You'd still get your share of drunks, but they were usually in recovery mode at that point and they ended up being harmless.

So, I was caught a bit off guard by this one particular dickhead.

We had gotten through the morning trip (8am-noon) with nary a problem, much to my delight. (On a quick aside, where else can one use the word "delight" without sounding like a pretentious douchebag? Hmmm? I don't know... maybe it's just me. Back to the story...)

While we did have a lot of people, no one gave us any problems. (their lucky, too... I would have slapped them naked and hidden their clothes if they did! that's right... I'm a badass... at least that's what my Mom says) It was while I was handing out the rental-rods for the afternoon trip that I had my first interaction with Mr. Personality.

He waited in line for his fishing rod patiently and when it was his turn he handed me his rental-rod ticket, grabbed the rod, told me to go fuck myself (something that isn't possible, by the way... I mean... um, so they tell me) and walked away.

I was kind of surprised by the whole thing, actually. You usually get the "is that a lucky one?", "how's the fishing been?" and "damn, you're sooo good looking" comments. Not a "go fuck yourself". Well, I didn't usually get them at that point in the trip. We hadn't even left the dock yet.

Surprisingly, my captain happened to be standing right behind me when it happened. He must have needed something really bad to have come out of the wheelhouse. You usually didn't see him at all... the lazy bastard.

Anyways, all he did was shake his head and say "Uh, keep an eye on him.. I guess."

Yeah, great leadership there. Let the 16yr old kid take care of the big drunk guy. That always works out well.

It was right around that time that he came back in and demanded a better rod. I explained to him that there was nothing wrong with his rod, that it would work just fine and all of the rental rods are exactly the same anyways.

He didn't agree. I believe that his exact words were...

Him- What the fuck does a fuckin' punk like you know? I've been fucking fishing longer than you've been fucking alive!

Me- (trying to keep from telling him to go fuck himself... I did work on tips, you know) There's no need to talk to me that way. If you'd like a new rod, we can get you one.

Him- Yeah, you'd better. (under his breath) Fuckin' punk.

Me- What's that?

Him- Fuck you.

Me- Fuck me?

Him- Yeah, fuck you.

Me- Have you been drinking today?

Him- Fuck you.

Me- Yeah, ok.

Him- Fuckin' punk homo.

Me- Yeah. That's me.

Him- You probably are. I know how you fishin' guys are.

Me- Didn't you just say that you've been fishing longer than I've been alive?

Him- Just gimme a new fuckin' rod. I want a new rod.

Me- There is nothing wrong with that rod, but you are more than welcome to look in the rod locker for one that you like if that is what you want.

Him- Yeah, right. You'll probably grab my ass or something.

Me- Listen buddy, if I were gay I would like to think that I could do a hell of a lot better than you.

Him- "........" (walks off)

This was proving to be fun. I had a drunken, belligerent asshole onboard to deal with plus that customer (insert rim shot here). Just what I wanted to deal with after a long weekend.

I headed up to the wheelhouse to talk it over with Captain Courageous. He (uncharacteristically) said just to keep an eye on him and don't serve him any alcohol against my recommendation. I wanted to deep-six his ass right back onto the dock, but I guess that ole skippy boy needed the money too much. He normally didn't let the drunks onboard at all. I've seen him reject whole boatloads of people costing him thousands of dollars at a time.

I didn't see Captain Fuck-Fuck (the drunk guy... I use that name because of his colorful use of the English language) for the rest of time that we were at the dock. I did take note as to where he had set up shop out on deck. He had conveniently (for me) chosen a spot directly under the portside wheelhouse window. It was the perfect spot for me to keep an eye on him while on the ride out to whatever hotspot that we were going to that day.

There wasn't much activity from Mr. Wonderful one the ride out. Although, he did tell me to fuck off (again) when I asked him if he would like to get into the pool.

(The pool is when everyone, who would like to enter, pays in a certain amount of money ($2-10) and then whoever catches the biggest fish, wins it all. We've actually had some several hundred dollar pools before. Unfortunately, I couldn't enter unless all the customers agreed and that only happened when a bunch of our regular customers would go out together for the last trip of the year. That was always fun.)

Instead of getting mad, I just winked at him and walked away. It was the first time that I had seem him speechless up to that point.

A little later on while I was scooping on the galley girl I noticed that he had stumbled into the cabin and was heading towards the head (bathroom). I kept one eye on him and one eye on the galley girls rack to see what he was up to. A lot of times you would catch people taking out their weed or bottles of booze before they got into the bathroom where the hoped to consume it without anyone watching. People are so stupid.

(My favorite was one time while I was filleting fish on the ride home and someone was smoking pot inside the bathroom. While that wasn't all that uncommon, most people don't do it when they have to ask me to move because I am standing next to the door and then proceed to light up while I am all of two feet away. This guy was a little more creative than others, though. He had brought in a bottle of air-freshener and would spray it as he was smoking. I would smell "Lemon Rain" then pot.... "Lemon Rain" then pot. After he came out of the head, I followed him over to his tackle box where he was putting the air freshener away. I said "How's that air-freshener work for bait?" He paused...thought for a moment and then started to say something but I cut him off. I just told him that "Lemon Rain" and weed is not a smell that we normally have on the boat. It tends to stick out and get the attention of the crew. He got the idea)

Anyways, he didn't fumble around with anything but the latch. After he walked out, I went in after him to see if I could smell or see anything and lo and behold, there were three empty nips of brandy.

Of course, he denied that they were his and told me to fuck off some more after I confronted him about it. I wouldn't have expected anything less, but he was starting to get on my nerves and there was nothing that I could do about it.

But Mother Nature could.

A few days earlier there had been a massive storm that had formed off the Carolina's and was supposed to nail us but thankfully, it had missed us by heading out to sea. Large storms at sea tend to send a large ground swell in all directions that can be felt hundreds of miles away. You can have a day where there isn't a breath of wind, but you would have 10 foot seas. It's actually a pain in the ass when you are trying to haul nets and stuff, but that doesn't apply here.

What does apply is that we were steaming into a large groundswell and it wasn't agreeing with Captain Fuck-Fuck. It was a southeast-based swell, so it was hitting us right on the starboard bow the whole ride out. Not only would the boat would slowly go way up and then way down, but it would go side-to-side as well. In my experience, that was the best combination for making googans (tourists) sick.

Our hero was starting to look a little green when we got to the first spot. After dropping the anchor, I headed towards him with the full intention of screwing with him a bit but he stopped me dead in my tracks when I saw him start to twitch.

I knew what was coming and I couldn't wait!

He got up, leaned on the railing for a moment and then hung his head towards the ocean...

This is it!, I thought.

For a minute there, I thought that he was going to make it and so did he. But then, Mother Nature let me know that she had my back by sending in a couple of sets of waves that were particularly devoid of any backside. There wasn't any of that slow up-and-down bullshit. These went slowly up, then quickly down.

And that was all he needed.

Let's just say that by the time he was through puking, I thought that we may have had a new long distance record set. I'm telling you, if it didn't go 6 feet, it didn't go an inch. Not only that, I think I saw one of his shoes come out of his mouth at one point. It really was quite spectacular.

Captain Fuck-Fuck was now Captain Puke-Puke and I was enjoying every minute of it.

Of course, I didn't miss a single opportunity to ask him if I could get him anything. I would ask him nicely if he would like a greasy pork sandwich served in a dirty ash tray or maybe a raw egg egg served in a backed-up toilet complete with all the fixin's. Hey, it's all about the service, right?

Between bouts of heaving ole Puke-Puke just kinda flopped around on the deck like a flounder. He would slither between sitting up to completely sprawled out on the deck where I would "accidentally" spray the hose or tip over the bait bucket with the nasty old clams in it (my favorite).

I didn't hear much from him the rest of the trip.

Surprisingly, he didn't even look at me as he was leaving when I told him "Have a nice day, you big stud" when he left.

- Cod

ps- And to think, he didn't even give me a tip.

I'm still alive.

Hopefully, I'll have the opportunity to post something later.

These are my people

*This will replace the former entries that were listed under the title "whaa?". It will be a collection of various web searches that led someone (or something in a few cases) to my blog.

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Well, since my last entry I've had a few more of you stumble onto my little blog here from various corners of the internet. How the hell the search engines made the connection to my blog in several instances, I'll never know.

First up... the sports related ones.

We twice had a PeytonManningsucks.com search that led to me. I'm especially proud of that one. Until he beats my beloved Patriots, he blows. Get over it, hayseeds. Tom Brady is the better quarterback and if I had a thing, just one little bitty thing, to do with convincing just one person that Peyton Manning does suck (.com), then this has all been worth it. (sniff)

Another in the sports related area was a search for Charlie Brown football stats. While I'm not positive that anyone did keep such stats, I think it would be safe to say that they sucked. I don't know about you, but I would have punted that douchebag Lucy instead. What a pushover. You know, he always reminded me a little bit of Wheel Gun, for some reason.

To wrap up the sports related searches, we have the 1985 Superbowl (HELL-no comment) and TomBradySucks.com. The latter being a totally unprovoked attack on Tom's character (a must read) by some delusional Peyton Manning lackey.

Now, onto the better ones...

Now, this next one we can attribute to one Captain Leech. You may only know him as the dude who likes unconventional sex with many gravity-challenged woman, but I know him as the only man that could get a band banned for life from The Rat in Boston, Mass... or so the story goes. Anyways, he snared me a match by offering me some friendly advice. He offered up that I should change my name to "The Cock-Sucking God Swallowith." As tempting as the name change was, I chose to keep my original name. It would break the Codmother's heart.

The actual search was for "cock suckin' boys". Obviously, a derelict of Bface-like proportions is among us. Certainly not the type of person that I cater to with my wholesome, family oriented programming. (dodging the lightning bolt)

Ahh, this next one is my favorite search of the week... "Older ladies showing their grey(sic) pussies blogs".

Wow.

So many ways to jump into this one, I don't know where to start.

Well, let's start with WHY IN THE HELL WOULD YOU WANT TO SEE THAT?!?!? Not only that, but why would there be a blog about it? Wouldn't it be easier to just search around on some porn pages? Also, why would you click on my blog to find that anyways? I mean, didn't you see my name attached to it? I understand that while I am a big pussy, I'm not gray... yet. And, I haven't written about it, so there. I wish I still had the link to what entry matched the criteria.

Man, I've heard of fetishes, but... yeesh!

Also in the world of adult-oriented searches we have the ever-present search for "facts on vaginas". While I'd like to think that I know a thing or two about the opposite sex and their plumbing (the Cod Gal is heard snickering in the background), I'm no expert and I generally don't claim to be... either by typed or spoken word. So, that's all I have to say about that.

If anything, that search gives me a chance to link to an old entry that I happen to like a bit more than the others. Here it is in all it's glory...(sounds familiar) Women Facts.

Another one of the fetish-type ones was a search for "ugliest black asses"....um, Next!

We had yet another search for "Cop Cock" that linked to my "Smokey and The Cock" entry. That makes it around 10 times, now. Maybe it's something about the uniform... I don't know. I'll have to ask The Codfather about it.

I just realized that most of these searches are either for things of a sports-related nature or something about getting laid in less than traditional ways. That either says something about me, or people that cruise the web. Probably a little of both.

Oh yeah, here is another good one... "The Maury Povich midget". First off, I didn't even know that he had a midget now. Second, how the hell did it come to me? I must have mentioned them both in one entry or another, but I can't seem to find out which one it was. I need to start saving the links when I get them. And to think, Maury was once a well respected journalist on CNN. How the mighty have fallen.

Anyways, a few more searches that linked to me were "Pam Smart", for obvious reasons. A "double kickstand" for my story about Derek and his out of control moped (scroll down when you get there).

A few other searches were for a boat called "The Codfather". Then there was "a dude jumping out of a window during 9/11" which was odd. It goes to show you how well the search engines key in on certain words because I sure as shit haven't ever written about that day. I was stuck in the middle of the ocean not knowing what exactly to do. It kinda sucked not knowing what exactly was going on, but that's another story for another time.

I'll leave you with this last search that landed some poor, unsuspecting soul on my twisted blog. "What does Yamada mean?"

- Cod

Woe is me

Rodney Harrison is out for the season.

I knew that was coming after watching his knee get twisted 12 different directions yesterday, but it's still jarring to see in print. It must be the finality of it.

No Bruschi. No Harrison. No Charlie Weis. No Romeo Crennel. It also looks like we'll be without Matt Light, our starting left tackle, for the season as well. That's not to mention the 4 cornerbacks that are hurt as well.

If Master Belichick is ever going to earn his money, it will be this year. It's a good thing that he dumped the ole ball and chain this winter.

Oh yeah, and from here on out Tom Brady will be referred to as "Tommy Cool". A name that I've been using for some time now, but not in print for obvious (Bface-related man-crush jokes) reasons.

Also, Adam Vinatieri will be known as "The Closer". 18 game winning field goals will do that for you. Fuck the two Super Bowl-winning-kicks... that 45 yarder against the Raiders in the snow to send it into OT is still the GREATEST KICK EVER!!

There is no debate.

- Cod

ps- maybe Big Bill's buddy Jon Bon Jovi can write him a nice song to keep his spirits up

What to write...

Having just popped in one of my reclaimed Cramps cd's (Fiend of Dope Island) from Bface and gazing upwardly at my kickass framed "The Cramps and The Lords of Altamount at the Filmore" concert poster (also courtesy Bface, but that wasn't mine to begin with like my cd), I decided to write something.

I don't what the hell it will be, but it will surely involve something stupid that I've done to myself... or someone else for that matter.

Yeah, that's it. I could write about how I must have somehow screwed up someone's life along the way. Although, in all fairness I didn't have much time to have done something like that.

Afterall, I've been with the Cod Gal since the tender age of 17 (?). It's hard to ...... AHH!! My Cramps cd just skipped, then stopped. What the fuck. (raising clenched fist to the air) Bface!!!

*We are experiencing some technical difficulties. We'll be back as soon as we can.*

Ok, I'm back.

I'm sure that Bface will be relieved to know that he didn't screw the cd up too bad. I'll let him off the hook this time. Although, interrupting "Dr. Fucker, MD" is grounds enough for an ass-whuppin'. I'll let it slide this time. No sense in going and getting myself all beat into a bloody pulp, right? (<------ gracious nod to my eldery brother)

Anyways, I haven't screwed up anyone's life, that I know of... well not permanently. It may have seemed that I did something horrible at the time, but I'm sure that I meant well and someday we can all look back, laugh about it and have a beer. Though, now is probably not a good time , but someday I'm sure.

Well, that was a waste of time. Maybe I can write about all of the good things that I have done for everyone that I know. That should be an easy one to write about. Afterall, it's not like I go around kicking kittens and slapping babies.... right? Well.... (any actions before I stopped boozin' may be up for interpretation)

Ok, let's write about that.

Let me think of something and I'll get right to writing....

"................"

"..............."

Hey! "Elvis-fucking-Christ" just came on. That is, quite possibly, the greatest song of all time. (like how I contradicted myself? I should be a politician, dammit) Just thought that I'd let you know.

Ok, back to the writing.

"..............."

Well, screw that idea. I can't think of an instance and I don't have all day, you know. It takes time to keep that couch warm, yo.

I could write about how my Patriots showed that they are still the big dogs in the NFL by slapping around the Steelers in that little playpen that they call a stadium. I could continue on about how Brady, Vinatieri and Belichick should have their own wing in the Pro Football Hall of Fame... but I won't.

I also won't get into how during this upcoming weekend the last 3 games of the baseball season will be played between the tied-for-first-place Red Sox and Yankees and how it will probably kill me. That's better suited for my Red Sox blog that I also don't write for.


I don't know.

Emmy-Cod is rumbling down the stairs now, so I have to go.

If I think of anything to write about, I'll get right on it.

Soon...

I'll have something up by tomorrow... I hope.

I've haven't been writing because I've been busy as hell doing various things this last week, or so.

This is the busy time of year for us monkey spankers, you know.

- Cod

Yeesh!

I was just stunned, STUNNED to find out what someone had searched for that led them to me. Actually, I'm not stunned that someone searched for it. I'm stunned that this blog popped up.

It didn't just pop up, I was at #4!!

I'll fill you in as to what the search was on my next installment of the "Whaa?" columns.


- Cod

ps- CptLeech strikes again!

We're not supposed to walk upright, part 3

If you didn't read the first two sections of this, you can catch up by clicking on the links below.

part 1
part 2

Now where did we leave off? Oh yeah, I had just received my surgery date.....

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Oh joy!

Surgery two days before my favorite holiday of the year, turkey day 2002.

I love turkey day because you get to see the family, eat great food and you don't have to buy any crappy presents for anyone. It's the perfect holiday, with the exception of the 4th of July. That has booze and explosions prominently involved. Nothing can compare to that.

Anyways, I just sat back and suffered quietly (the Cod Gal would argue with the "quietly" part) while waiting for my surgery date to come. Up until that point I had been getting through the days ok with a steady dose of percosets. It didn't kill the pain completely, but it made it so I could at least move around a little bit.

Then one morning about one week before my surgery, I woke up and the pain had become excrutiating literally overnight. I hadn't done anything the day before to aggravate the injury, so I was a bit concerned because I now couldn't even sit still. Not for more than about 30 seconds or so. I was flopping around like an epileptic mackerel going through withdrawls.

After my wife got ahold of the doctor for me, he told me to double my dose of percosets. After trying that for a day, we came to the conclusion that it wasn't doing anything more than making me feel like I was going to puke half the time. They were probably working a little bit, but I couldn't tell. I was in friggin' agony.

After talking to the doctor yet again, he said that there was nothing more that he could do for me outside of the hospital. He wanted me to check in to the hospital right away and he would be waiting for me when I got there. Doctor Feelgood was planning on loading me up full of morphine until the we had the pain under control.

While being loaded up on morphine for a week sounded like fun, I didn't want to spend any more time in that hospital than I had to.

The reason being that I have spent about 40 days of my life in our local hospital(s) for a variety of illnesses/injuries (one of which you can read about on this little section of cyberspace that I have stolen, here is part 1 /part 2 /part 3/ and part 4) and I have come to the conclusion that I would rather be at home doing nothing than sitting in a hospital bed doing nothing. Although, the bedside service at the hospital is always a plus.

So instead of heading for the hospital, I decided to tough it out in a percoset induced haze and wait for The Day. (insert dramatic music here)

--------------------

Alas, THE DAY finally came.

Luckily, I was scheduled as the first surgery of the day so I had to be there early. The few times that I have had surgery in the past, I have always preferred to be first, or as close to first as possible. It would drive me nuts to sit around all day waiting, and starving. The Cod Gal had some neck surgery a couple of months ago (trust me, it was from atrophy, (sigh) not from overuse) and she was scheduled for later in the day. It was around 11am, I believe and she didn't end up going under the knife until 3pm and coming out of it until 6pm. That's too late for me. I like to get it over with as soon as possible.

After getting changed into that horrible hospital gown, I had to lay around for what seemed like an hour (probably more like 20 minutes) with my nerves going batshit. Was it going to go ok? Was he going to screw up and paralyze me?... (which is always a possibility when doing back surgery) When the hell are they going to do this? Where is the nurse with my "magic shot"?

Finally, my doctor came in, we went over some last minute details and then off I went to the room of horrors.

When I got into the operating room the first thing that I was struck by was how big it was. This place was huge! Definitely bigger than my first apartment.

The 2nd thing that struck me was "what the hell is that contraption on the operating table"? They had some sort of metal whirlygig that looked like something a mistress would strap her sex slave into for some good, clean bondage fun.

I also wondered how the hell that I was going to get into that contraption of death. The nurse that I was chatting with while the other nurses set up told me that they were going to strap me into it after I was under the influence of the general anestethic.

Now, I am not a petite man. So, being the great guy that I am, I offered to climb up there for them (all the while secretly hoping that they would say no). Thankfully, they assured me that it would be no problem to do toss me up there without my help.

Phew! If I had seen myself in that thing with my bare ass hanging out and sticking up for all to see, I would have had to kick my own ass. (yeah yeah, I know Wheel Gun, I always have my ass sticking up or something like that... har har)

So, I was lying there talking to the nurse for a few minutes when the next thing that I knew...BAM! I was in the recovery room. Not only was I in there, but I was gagging and dryheaving left and right. It was not exactly the best way to wake up.

Apparently, the retching had something to do with a reaction to the general anestethic. I vaguely remember doing that once before when I came out of it, but I thought that was an isolated incident.

It was no big deal, I guess. After a couple of shots of compazine, I was ok and headed up to my room for the night.

------------------

The one thing that the doctors didn't prepare me for was the lack of muscle strength that I would have immediately following surgery. I guess I should have thought of that myself seeing as how they had to cut through my back muscles and all, but still... damn. I literally couldn't even roll over. It took every last bit of strength that I had just to do it so the doctor could change my bandage. The only way to do it was to grab onto the bed rail and pull like hell and hope for the best.

Surprisingly, the nurses had me up and walking, albeit quite gingerly, by later that evening. I couldn't believe it, but there I was shuffling over to the bathroom. (And thank god for that! I wasn't up for calling someone to help me out in there. No one should be subject to the horror that is my junk)

The best part of that first day was that I could already feel the difference in pain levels from before the surgery and after. It was quite amazing, actually.

I thought that everything was fine and dandy until I talked to the doc. He said the bad news was that my disc had broken into 7 segments and one of them had actually wedged up against my nerve, thus causing the massive increase in pain that I had talked about earlier in this post. Unfortunately, he said that it looked like it had injured the nerve, but only time would tell that.

The good news was that I was going to be able to leave the next morning after he came back in to check on me and made sure that I didn't have my spine sticking out of my ass, or anything fun like that.

True to form, he sauntered into my room around 8am, changed my bandage again and gave me the go-ahead to get the hell out of Dodge... but with some serious restrictions. No walking up stairs for at least two weeks, no driving for 4 weeks, no water around the incision for 4-5 days, and a few others as well. Basically, I had to take it as easy as possible. That was it.

[That shouldn't prove to be too hard, right? It's not like I have any stairs in my house... oh wait, all the bedrooms and the bathroom with the shower is upstairs. Ok, I can deal with that... I guess. Next, no driving for a month...that'll be a tough one. Has anyone seen the Cod Gal drive? I'm better off risking any damge to my back that I would incur by driving. It beats the injury that I would inevitably get when we get in a car crash with her at the wheel. (just kidding babe, you're the best!)]

I then eagerly phoned the Cod Gal to tell her that I would need a good wheel man for my daring escape from the hospital and that she should get in the Codmobile and get her ass over there pronto! She quickly informed me that she was getting the (friggin') kids off to school and that I should "shut up" and she'll "get there when I'm goddamn good and ready!"

Ok babe, take your time.

She rolled in a little while later and off to the car I went. This was one time that I didn't complain about having to be pushed in a wheelchair to the Codmobile.

Off to the Cod mansion!

to be continued....

Whaaa? part 2

A few days ago after compiling a few of the more odd searches that led some of you wackos my way, I figured that I was in the clear for a while before I would have to do it again.

Nope.

So, without further ado, here you go... you pervs.

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Our first search was a bit different. It was "Jason Varitek + hookers".

Now, each one by itself I can see. But combining the two together makes you think. Was it just some wacko that fantasises about the two of them together? Or maybe it was an angry Mrs. Varitek looking for anything to get him on. And if that is the case... Jason, I'm all yours. Call me. 1-800-Tek-Love

Our next category is a from the few "innocent and obvious why it matched" category. One is for the "cod world record" and another is for "blue hake pictures". I don't have the first, but the second one is kicking around here somewhere and it's a nice picture, as far as hake pictures go. They are ugly, slimy fish. (Soooo many jokes can go right here)

Although, one kinda weird search was "rare fish heads". Now, what in the hell would you want to do once you found some? Do you mount them over the fireplace like a deer? I don't know, maybe Barnes and Barnes are making a comeback. Maybe it's for a rare soup? If you still out there rare fish head searcher guy, let me know.

Next up is the strange/perverted category, or more commonly known as "my people".

First was a search for "Cop Cock". Now, I don't know if I am more weirded out that someone searched for that or that the search linked to me. Either way, no thank you. But, I could hook you up with the Codfather. He put in his years as a cop and I'm assuming that he is swinging a schlong. He may not have seen it for a while but if he has, I guess that it would fall in the category of "retired cop cock". Not that it matters, right Wheel Gun?

Anyways, our next contestant for "weird search of the week" was "football players + enemas. Hmmm, not sure what to make of that one. Is it someone looking to give one to a football player? Maybe it's the new thing to do. All the cool kids are doing it, don't you know. I know that I am. Been doing it for years and I love it! Wait, was that my outside voice again? I hope that no one heard me. Back to the story...

This next one will make Wheel Gun proud. The search was for "pimping ain't easy". Fucking-A right it isn't! I gots to keep my ho's in check, yo. Listen G, you cain't let da bitches be all up in your grill, homey. You gots to slap dem hoes back in check once in a while, B. Word. (you taught me well, Bob)

Now, our award winner for strangest search goes to the magnificent bastard that searched for "smokey cock -robinson -wilson -bandit". I don't even know where to start on that one. Maybe it's a new BBQ sauce. They do have some strange names nowadays. Any ideas, anyone?


Well, those are my people. My twisted, twisted people.

I feel like a new father every time that I see another bizarre search taht leads to me. Thanks Yahoo!

- Cod